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Do You Think I Have Poor Self Esteem?
I want to start by saying that part of this question is actually going to sound arrogant and I apologize for that, but here goes.
I grew up with a verbally abusive father who made me feel like a worthless piece of trash sometimes. I also went through a horrible awkward stage in middle school and my classmates made me feel like an ugly, disgusting monster. I've been called a POS, a pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of perfectly good air and other things along those lines. I'm afraid that these problems have caused me to suffer terrible self esteem issues which have negatively affected my quality of life.
For example, when I was in high school, a counselor gave me an IQ test, but didn't tell me the results. She told my mother about them later. This is one of the times that is going to sound arrogant. The counselor told my mom that my IQ was 140, but I'm having a very hard time wrapping my brain around that. 140 is a lot higher than I'd think it'd be. My dad always made me feel like a moron. I kind of always felt intelligent in some ways, but unintelligent in others. Like a combination of Brick and Axel Heck from, "The Middle." I'm good at history, but I suck at math. I've also always been interested in the weather and am good at meteorology and I'm decent at biology, but I suck at chemistry. I like to read, but as you'll probably learn in this writing, I don't have the best vocabulary. That and my dad's verbal abuse makes my IQ test results very hard for me to believe.
Now that I'm grown and have been out of my awkward stage for a while, I've developed some confidence when it comes to my appearance, but not a lot. The university I went to had this scholarship pageant every fall and once, this guy I know suggested that I enter it. I actually laughed at that suggestions and thought to myself, "He's either being really nice or he needs to get his eyes checked." These are not thoughts that I want to have about myself though.
Also, a friend of mine and I went to see the newer version of, "Beauty and the Beast" last spring and we both loved it. I made a joke about how much I'd have loved to have gotten to play Belle in the movie because the actor who played the Beast (the guy the Beast transformed into at the end) was so hot. My friend suggested that I could have played Belle, but know I couldn't have. Belle was supposed to be gorgeous. The movie is called, "Beauty and the Beast" after all. Playing Belle was one thing, but when I made a comment about how Emma Watson grew up prettier than I thought she'd be and wished I'd have grown out of my awkward stage that well, my friend (who has known me all of my life) rejected the notion that I ever went through an awkward stage. She lost all credibility to me at that point. Everyone seems to go through an awkward stage. Emma Watson was a cute kid, but she's a down right beautiful woman. I think of myself as a fugly kid who grew into a decent to slightly attractive woman at best and still tend to consider myself ugly at times. However, my friend didn't change her stance and while I can't help but to think that she was being nice. She did make me wonder though if maybe I am somewhat more attractive than I thought I was. I wonder if possibly I've been too hard on myself and wonder what would happen if I were more confident in regards to my appearance.
I wonder what would happen if I tried to be more confident, but I also fear becoming arrogant. I have a hard time judging myself properly and developing an appropriate opinion of myself. I feel like I'm always either going to be insecure as a result of others' negative opinions of me (such as that I'm ugly, stupid, or a POS) or arrogant as a result of other's positive opinions (such as that I am intelligent or could play Belle in Beauty and the Beast").
So what do you think? Am I too hard on myself? Am I not hard enough? I really do feel like this writing sounds arrogant, but I also feel like poor self esteem has ruined my life. What are your thoughts on my situation?
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Believe in yourself. have faith on God. you will be Ok
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Right now you are seeing yourself through a window that has a ton of dirt on it obscuring the true image. You need to learn how to wipe it clean and see your true beauty and intelligence that has always been there. Your dad has a problem not you. You have always been far better than anyone may have led you to think. He needs a psychiatrist.
The best thing you can do for yourself is get a referral from a doctor to a mental health professional who will work with you through the pain and poor self image until you discover who you really are and can flourish. You don't need parental permission for that either. You can see one on your own and have it all confidential.
Why wouldn't you be intelligent? They wouldn't lie to you or your parents about your IQ score but if you can't believe the truth have it done again on your own. There's nothing wrong with your volcabulary either and you are quite articulate
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It is funny but I could have written a part of this letter at least the part about your father and the verbal abuse. My father was just like that for reasons I won't go into. This type of abuse does have an affect on ones self-esteem.
As for being hard on your self; the hardest person to judge or critique is ones self. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. So this is quite normal. More so in women when it comes to physical appearance. Remember one thing about physical appearance it is only a wrapper on who you are. The real you is the person who resides just under that rapper and that is why that boy suggested you enter the contest because regardless of how you feel about your looks he saw the beauty of you that goes beyond the outer display.
Intelligence and education do not coexist. Einstein for as brilliant as he was could not balance his check book.
Now the best way I know of to correct the low self-esteem problem is with professional help. We know the cause is the abuse your dad gave you plus what you had to go through at school. There is more eating away at you that is locked away in your subconscious that needs to come out an be verbalized. I know because my therapist saw it and kept at me until I let it out. Once it was out she helped me put it in a proper prospective and deal with it. Once that happened I was able to build a good self-image and regain my self-esteem.
My suggestion to you is you seek therapy with a psychologist. If your still in college go to the health center and ask to speak to a psychologist.
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