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living situation effecting mental health
Hello. I'm a 26 year old female. I am currently in graduate school and nearing my last semester. This may be a bit long, as I have to explain my circumstances regarding employment and that may take a paragraph or two. First and foremost, I live in Miami. For those who don't know, Miami has the biggest gap in the country between earned wages and housing cost. Jobs that REQUIRE a master's degree typically pay $40,000-$60,000, while the average home cost is near $350,000. The typical/average rent is near $2000. Now, you can rent in an efficiency for much cheaper and there are apartments in certain areas that rent for $1200. This is for a one bedroom apartment and does not include electric or cable. Consider that someone making $40,000 as a starting professional, after taxes, makes roughly $2500 a month. If you rent the cheapest apartment, most of your check goes to housing and to your vehicle. Many people my age live with their parents, who purchased their homes during a time when housing cost was very minimal. I have been fortunate in some regards, and not so fortunate in others. As a child, I was extremely over-protected. I was not allowed to sleep in my own room or my own bed. I had to sleep with my mother. I grew up in my grandparents home. This meant that staying at the library late to study was considered scandalous. So, at 24, I moved into a graduate housing at my previous institution. But, I transferred because that institution was extremely expensive. I now have 1 more semester to complete of graduate school. I currently live in my mom's house (not in my grandparents house), but in the efficiency. So, I technically have my own place. It has a living room, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. I have two dogs and it's great because they have a backyard. My mom has borderline personality disorder. She is absolutely unstable. There have been times that she has kicked me out of the house because she disliked the way I brushed my hair. She has violently knocked on my door and grabbed me by the throat. She encouraged me to commit suicide. She closed a door on my hand violently, nearly fracturing my wrist. It is not uncommon that she displays her teeth at me, like a dog. Having lived with her, on our own, has made me eternally grateful for being raised with my grandparents. Even if I didn't have my own room, at least I was safe. As an adult, I've been able to find refuge in my car, in a hotel, or at a friend's house temporarily. But, I don't feel completely safe in this efficiency. There is always a chance that she will become violent. Last month, I accepted a full time job that had nothing to do with my career, in higher education administration (academic affairs within a university). I decided to take this position in hopes that I would be able to rent an apartment and flee the unsafe place. But, it did not work out with this job. It started out with sexual jokes and the office manager then started giving detailed descriptions as to how he would rape a woman. So, I left. I will not succumb to that. I am not going to trade one unsafe situation for another one. There were several incidents that occurred that led up to me resigning. This was just the final one. I was then offered a part-time job within my career at a local community college. The job pays very well. So, it's not such a burden to be working only part-time. In reality, it is probably best to be working part-time as I am nearing the end of school. I have to complete an internship this semester, where I was behind in hours because I had to work full time. So, this opportunity fell into my lap at the best time possible. The thing is that it is very difficult to get a job within my career without a master's degree. Everywhere you search for jobs, it says "master's required," which I totally understand. If the master's wasn't required, I wouldn't be working so hard to finish mine! :). So, to be able to get this opportunity before even getting my masters puts me in a really good position. It means I'll likely be the first interviewed because I have experience that others may not. I feel extremely blessed and I'm incredibly excited. I spoke with my advisor and mentor, and she really convinced me that this was the best opportunity. Everything about this is good and positive. There is only one thing. My mom pays for absolutely nothing. She works and her entire check goes to her car and shopping. She doesn't not pay energy, cable, nothing. And when she contributes even one dollar, she will remind you that she did so for months! Even though this job pays well for a part-time position, I don't feel that I can sustain the entire house on my own. She is using the majority of the energy, as I live in a furnished garage and she lives in the house. She refuses to be on a cheaper cable plan. I have dreamt of moving out for several reasons. Alongside her being unsafe, the family does not condemn her behaviors. They are always making excuses for her. My aunt... her sister... even told me that I was "not a child, but not a grown up either!" But, they sure see me as a grown-up when they need money or someone to babysit her grandchildren. They see me as an adult when the cable bill and energy bill are due. They see me as an adult when they ask me to pay HER bills and other money that she owes to various people. To the family in general, I'm nothing more than an ATM. I am under appreciated and expected to deliver at every twist and turn. I'm tired of being used. And this is why I want to leave. But, at the same time, what would really secure my future away from this toxic life is my career. Sure, here I won't be making much money, but I can do much better in another state. It's that degree that will grant me access to better jobs and more opportunities. So, the priority is to finish the degree and get the experience needed in order to get hired at a descent salary. At the same time, I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be dragged out by my hair simply because it's not as blonde as she would like it or because I'm not wearing high heels. I don't want to feel like I'm stuck here against my will and mistreated. But, on that same note, I need to finish my degree and get this experience, which is an opportunity not afforded to everyone. Please provide me with your wisdom.
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I agree with everything adviceman has said. I also want to stress that you can not leave any possible trail for any family member to find you. This would include deleting and banning them on facebook or other social sites if they have contact with you there. It would involve blocking them on your cell or better yet, getting a new number with maybe a new service. I know of college students who never made a change to their banking accounts and have one from when they were still minors and needed a parent to be on the account. If there are ANY accounts including your banking where Mom might have her name on it, have them take her off. As long as her name is connected to anything that is yours, there can be potential problems ahead. And as suggested, if your name is with companies accounts regarding anything Mom should be paying, then let these companies know to take you off. I also vote for your rooming with someone. The only other cheaper option is to look for a bedroom for rent in homes near the school. People whose own kids have moved out and want to get a little extra income will rent out rooms. If you don't have your own bath, then the common areas including bath will be shared. It might not be ideal and uncomfortable for a while until you have gotten the work experience and can move on. But it is way better than suffering mentally by trying to stay at home until then. I am proud of you that you've held it together, gone through school and took care of the adult bills and responsibilities that Mom should have. You will go far in life dear. Hang in there and make those changes.
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First things first; you must get out of that toxic environment. You have a couple of choices as to how to do this.
OPTION ONE:
The best choice is to find someone that is renting a room near school and your part time job or someone who has an apartment that wants to share expenses.
You school housing office may be able to help you find someone that is looking to rent a room to someone. These people are generally vetted by the school as a safe place for students. There are also real estate companies that specialize in placing roommates in apartments together. You will most likely find these in the personal section of the local papers. Since you only have one semester left I believe the best solution is to find a room to rent.
Once you find a place to live do not say anything just pack your clothes and any thing you actually must have and move out. DO NOT TELL ANYINE WHERE YOU ARE MOVING TO. If you name is on any of the Utility bills or cable call them and tell them you are no longer residing at that address and no longer responsible for them. I would go so far as to change banks as well. Make it hard for anyone to find you. If you have credit cards or recurring bills call them with your new address do not leave a forwarding address with the post office.
OPTION TWO
You still move out and do as above. The difference her is you find you need more money than your part time job provides. Okay not a problem. You take a full time job and switch to night courses or extension courses on-line. Switching to a night course will only extend your schooling by one semester. switching to on-line course schooling may take a bit longer.
My daughter in-law recently decided to get her masters degree. She can't afford to stop working as they amassed debt based on a two incomes. The solution on-line courses. This is her second year she is taking one course a year. It will take her a while but she is determined and she is very goal orientated. she is also a straight A student. It goes without saying we are all very proud of her.
I tell you this because if you want something bad enough you can find away. You need your masters degree for your chosen career. I understand that and I understand given your circumstances how hard that is for you.
The biggest problem to correct is your living situation. Once you fix that you will think more clearly and can decide which option to complete you degree is best. It may not be the fastest option but it will get you your degree while you are financially stable.
One other thing once you move out of your mothers home call adult protective services. I'm no doctor but your mother by your description may be bi-polar or suffering from other mental illness. By calling adult protective services or services for the aging as they may be called. They will come visit with you mom and step in if the think it is needed.
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