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Lying best friend
Ok so I've been best friends with this girl since I was 8 ( I'm now almost 14 ) here's a little bit about her she's adopted and her birth parents were abusive to her. Before she met me she was friends with this girl Who was super mean to me and this girl told her if she wanted to be friends with her she could not talk to me or be friends with me she told this girl that she was best friends with her and then when that girl wasn't around she told me I was her best friend but when this girl was around she just ignored me and when I asked her about it she said she was not friends with her anymore but to this day she still is friends with this girl ( this was happening when I was only ten and it still happens ) She also lies about random this and I think it's because she wants to make her life sound better for example she once told me that she was have this amazing birthday party but I found out from her mom that it was never happening another time she said she had a boyfriend and I found out that the was also not true and that she doesn't even talk to boys so basically she just lies about almost everything. I'm so confused about are friendship and I'm not sure what to do please help me!!
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I am 22 years old and let me tell you I had to drop ALOT of friends because of lies. Now this can stem from her birth parents not showing her respect and care and love that every child should feel. She felt abandoned and like noone loved her. She probably lied to people when she showed up to school or ANYWHERE with bruises. So lying is the only thing she knows how to do. Now I say sit down and talk to her. Let her know that you are a true friend and really care about her. Let her know that she doesn't need to lie to you about anything that you love and care for her, her true self. Also let her know how you feel about the lying about the other girl and how she should come clean. If the other girl don't want her to talk to you that is when she needs to either be a friend and say then I won't talk to you or choose the other girl. Either way lying to have both is not an option anymore and never should have been after that girl said what she said. Talk to her let her know that you will always care about her because you are her friend. And that she can't pretend she isn't friends with you anymore around the other girl or you can't be her friend at all. I feel either be real and true to you to attract truthful loving people or keep lying and see where that gets you.... Not far.! But definitely sit her down and really have a heart to heart with her and see what happens. And go from there. But don't just write her off just yet. See if she will change and if not then you have to do what is good for your sanity.
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I see two ways to look at the part of her being frineds with both of you but not admitting it.
1. She likes both of you for her own reasons and really wants to keep you both but knows the other gal doesn't like you and that you want to avoid her. So she's stuck in the middle. Based on that premise, its possible the lying to each of you about being best friends with the other is being done in the only way she can think of to hold on to both of you as friends. Lots of people in this age range don't know what to do when it comes to fighting between people they like.
2. She lies and does whatever is an attention getting manuever that gets her the results she wants and that may be having as many people as she can who give her that kind of attention. This wold not be a friendship that goes both ways meaning you both do nice things for each other. It can be mostly one way, only for what you can do for her. This kind of person does not make the best friend. There are better choices.
Being abused and adopted can be a past that created a neediness to feel secure and loved and needing some special attention therefore. But it is not necessarily so. In my own extended family, there is an older child who was abused and is back with her Dad. The Mom stole her from the divorced Dad. I have seen enough of this girl to see that she is not exhibiting any attention getting or other poor behavior. One would never know to look at her that she had abuse in her past.
If this friend truly makes up big stories all the time to feel more self important, you will need to decide if this is someone you want to be friends with. You can't change her, only accept her as she is. If you can't, then you need to stop being her friend. It's okay right now, just annoying to you, but things could get worse. If the lying continues, it becomes a bad habit she can't stop. She may use it as a tool or weapon, to get what she wants, or to get revenge. So even if you can put up with it now, there's a chance she could get mad at you in the future and make up stories she tells classmates to purposely hurt you. This is worst case scenerio and may never happen.
It's hard to ask of you at your age to do the better thing and have a heart to heart talk in private. If you can be okay with her juggling both of you, as long as you don't have to be in the mean girls presence with her, I see no problem. I had good friends in school who did not prefer to be friends with some of my other friends. Just too different personalities. So I would choose to spend time with many friends individually. There was only a group of 3 that I could have lunch with together who were also friends with each other. Life isn't that simple. What you could do if you can get over the fact she is friends with someone who treats you bad, is to let her know you are sorry for acting like you wanted her to choose between you and the other girl for friends. Tell her she no longer has to pretend or make up stories (try to avoid the word LIE as that makes people react by shutting down and not listening to anything else you have to say) SO she doesn't have to make up stories about not seeing her. All you want from her is a promise that she will keep confidence with you, and not share anything you talk about with her, your private sharings and conversation with the other girl. As long as she treats you well and keeps Any info from you just between her and you, then you will remain friends with her.
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