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Does it sound like I have an eating disorder?
I'm 21 and usually 85 pound or a little less, but 4ft 10in.
I've always looked different because of how short I am and I'm also pale. Instead of ever being called hot or sexy I've always been called "cute"or "pretty", or told that look like a doll. To be honest it kind of gets to me. I always feel ugly because I'm surrounded by tall blonde bombshell types even though people tell me I'm pretty all the time. I also feel like every time I see a photo of myself I look fugly because people take bad photos of me at weird angles. Meanwhile my friends always look perfect in photos! I think this also affects how I feel about myself.
It makes me feel better to be skinny. I figure at least I have that going for me. My father and my friends have always talked about how ugly they perceive overweight people to be so I always try to be skinny.
Recently my new doctor told me she wanted to see me gain 10 pounds by my next appointment with her and that I needed to be at least 100 eventually. I refuse to do this, because I actually want to be skinnier. Right now I can't see my ribs and I want to be able to so I'm kind of trying to lose weight. At the same time though I love food and I typically eat twice a day and then a snack or two. This week I've been sick with the flu and I keep throwing up, but I'm kind of happy that I'm throwing up and get a little disappointed when I don't see a lot of regurgitated food because my body absorbed the rest already. I also want to say that I'm not throwing up on purpose, it's just because I'm sick and I would never make myself throw up on purpose.
I've recently told two people I was trying to lose weight and they didn't even flinch. I was kind of hoping they would tell me I shouldn't and now I feel like I do need to lose weight until people do tell me I shouldn't. On top of this a month or two back I had a guy grab my stomach while I was a little bloated (from pms) and tell me that I could lose that weight. He was laughing about it, but it made me want to do just that. I stopped being friends with him, but I still think about it all the time. I also think about how when I sit there's a little overlap flab of skin. I want that to go away and I don't want a little pouch at all when I lay down or stand up.
I'm feeling extremely self conscious and hoping that being sick takes some pounds off of me. If it doesn't I think I'm going to try something that does. I don't think I have an eating disorder though? I'm not anorexic or bulimic because I love eating food and hate the feeling of throwing up. I kind of want to be 75 pounds, maybe 70 but that still seems like a lot...
I just want to feel pretty.
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Anorexia does not mean you don't eat. Anorexia also has a lot to do with body image and feeling fat or overweight. While I'm not a doctor I would say that your doctor feels you are underweight and by her saying she wants you to eventually weigh 100 pounds that you are a small framed girl. The weight chart for your height has on the low side a weight of 102 pounds for a small framed girl.
Your target weight of 75 pounds is 27 pounds underweight and is very dangerous even lethal if not corrected. Yes I said lethal for the body has just one primary concern which is to keep the brain alive. TO do this the body needs a certain amount of calories per day. If the body does not get the calories it needs it first goes to what it has stored which is body fat. You probably have little to no body fat.'
IF there is no body fat to draw on then the body has no choice but to shut down what if feels it doesn't need. How it determines what systems to shut down I can't answer maybe your doctor can. It shuts down those it determines it needs the least. It could start in a woman with the menstrual cycle, then the kidneys, the liver and eventually the lungs and heart. Finally the brain dies and your parents plan your funeral.
If you think I am just trying to scare you, you’re wrong. Yes I am trying to get your attention for I have watched a friend’s daughter die from anorexia it is a horrible disease. Your doctor wants you to gain weight and you want to lose even more weight. THAT IS THE DEFINITION OOF ANEREXIA.
The first thing you need to do is to admit to yourself is that YOU ARE ANEREXIC. Once you admit this to yourself your almost half way to being cured. Then see your doctor and admit to your doctor you are anorexic, though I believe she is already thinking that. You also need to tell your parents as you will need their support and the support of your best friend or friends if you are going to get healthy.
Hospitalization is always an option but may not be necessary. IF you live alone you may want to move back in with your parents so they can monitor you food intake while you change your eating habits.
As a male I will let you in on a secret. While we may admire the model types who may look great in fancy clothes. Those are not the women most of us look to date and marry. If you take the fancy clothes off the models the y look a lot like little boys and many are ashamed of their bodies when naked. Having your ribs sticking out does not entice a male to make love to you.
Men date different types of women. But we all marry one type of women. The type of women we marry are healthy child bearable women that we can bring home to our moms. At 4'7" and 75 or 70 pounds mom will take one look at you and ask her son if he crazy. She will know you are not capable of bearing a child and that you are sick or sickly.
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I do not know what BMI chart your Dr. is using but according to the chart I bring up, a weight of 90 lbs for your height is considered healthy so you are perhaps just a little underweight. BMI is body mass indicator and here is the chart for you to see for yourself.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
The chart doesn't differentiate between men or women and doesn't take into account bone structure. Bones weigh too. So depending on whether you are what they call 'bird-like' which I translate into fine boned or if you have medium sized bone structure or big boned, how much weight you should weigh will change. The bigger the bones, the more you weigh on a scale but you may not have enough weight. I did look at charts for Asian women who are typically smaller framed and shorter than other races and you are in a pretty good spot if you are fine boned. If not, you may be close and only need to add 5 lbs. So a gain of 10 would still be okay and you wouldn't be overweight.
Now as to whether you have an eating disorder...you don't yet as you explalined how much you eat and you don't throw it up. However your thinking sounds exactly like that of females who have eating disorders so if what I call distorted thinking, doesn't change for you, you will soon have an eating disorder. Then you would need counseling from a professional who deals with eating disorders.
Due to your height, and being slim, yes many people will consider you 'doll-like'. Being pale of complexion will give you that porcelain or china doll look which is something that Upper class women used to strive for from Renaissance period (14 century) to 19th century. It is not often you find both a petite person with paler skin but that doesn't make you abnormal or any less pretty. Hispanic women are often really short and sometimes shorter than you so you are not alone in being 'vertically challenged' as a friend used to tease me, and i am 5'2.
There will always be men who find the porcelain doll look more to their liking. Not all men are the same in their preferences. At your age bracket tho, many males have not yet figured out which type of woman they are most attracted to for more than a passing fad. If you look up short female celebs. you will see there are many who are only five feet tall and yet look sexy and have guys who are 6 ft or taller. Apparently it doesn't matter to some men. If you feel good about yourself, people will subconsciously pick up on that, men too and you will begin to get more admiring looks.
If you need a boost in self confidence, let me know and I can share something you can do that works. It worked for me and I found it in a womens magazine long ago.
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A doctor is the only person who can make any kind of medical diagnosis about you including an eating disorder. If we so much as guessed at that and were wrong it would be harmful and of tremendous disservice to you.
That said, you and I both know that what you are doing is extremely self-destructive and harmful to you now and potentially long-term. You know it isn't right or you would not have written in looking for guidance. It's good you can recognize this as NOT your thinking and as a negative belief and view of who you are.
Throwing up to be thin or doing everything you think you need to while underweight and in general is of big concern and must be shared with the doctor no matter what or you won't get better and may put yourself in potentially life-threatening circumstances if it continues. You need to be honest and ask and accept help from her and with your family too.
What you really need is a psychiatrist NOT a therapist that this doctor can refer you to. You need to discuss with them the reasons for all of this behavior and learn to love yourself, purge the negativity not the food and live your life free of this issue. The sooner you do this the better.
Your doctor knows you are underweight or he/she wouldn't have told you you need to gain weight to be healthy. You ahbve to level with them and tell them exactly what you told us and seek help as right now you are headed for trouble but still have time to fix this before it becomes a huge problem which it seems headed if you don't act.
As far as people who are slightly overweight or have a little baby fat it's fine. You have to stop looking at yourself through a dirty window pane or you'll see distortion where there is beauty in and out. So what if other people think it's ugly? That;s where they are at and you don't have to accept their view about yourself or anyone. Consider the source and their ignorance.
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