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Is it a bad idea to message my ex-fiance from years ago just as a friend?
Hello, I know this sounds weird, but lately I've been wondering how my ex-fiance is doing. We were engaged when I was 19 and had been together for two and a half years. Basically we were young and dumb and didn't know how life worked yet. We were fresh out of high school when we moved out of our parents and tried to get our own place and things just kind of crumbled from there due to events like financial troubles, disputing friends, and not sharing common interests.
Anyways after we broke off the engagement we didn't speak for six months because we had a really bad breakup, but then we decided to just be friends. For about a year and a half that worked out, we would just hang out every once in a while, and we both dated other people. I moved away to a different city eventually, but he would still come see me every once in a while and I him. Then he started wanting me back and I made it clear I didn't want him the same way. I was even dating somebody else at the time. After that he pushed me away and said we couldn't even be friends anymore and asked me to block his number. I didn't though because I thought he might just be drunk (he was at a party) and then he texted me again the next night and I answered him. Well he wound up getting mad at me for answering him and asked me why I answered him when he told me to block him so I got mad and really did block him.
It's been almost two years since then and I still hear about him every once in a while from old friends back home. I was thinking about messaging him just to ask how he's doing, but I don't want to stir up any trouble. I'd just like to find out if hes doing okay AS A FRIEND.
I'm currently dating somebody and have been for 4 months and don't want any conflicts arising. I see my ex-fiance as somebody who was my first boo you know and care about him as a person for everything we went through and I also want to find out how his family is doing because I was friends with his sisters, and how his kitty is (I really loved his cat), but I would never get back with him and love my current boyfriend.
Do you think it's a good idea or a bad idea?
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For some people, when they have loved but split, the other person will never go out of their mind. My 2nd husband is a good example. His ex has no family but him, his Dad and a daughter they had. She is still near and dear to him as a person, cus if you are a truly loving caring person, you can't callously turn off your concerns for a person, even if you couldn't live with them. And she is a particularly difficult person with her issues but her and I are on friendly terms. So I know what you are saying IS a possibility, its just not a possibility with him as far as you know. Even though he may have changed his mind since a couple years ago, you don't know that. You must operate as if nothing has changed and go with his last wish to not have any contact and be blocked on your phone.
Now, if as mentioned you may be friends with his sisters and parents and want to see them, then there is no reason why you can not except that if calling his family, let them know you'd love to see them but that as far as you know, last instructions from him were not wanting to have any contact so plan a meetup with them when he is not around and they Need to know this bit.
I don't know what your new guy is like but it takes time to build trust in ones partner and for most people, it isn't built in 4 months time so even tho you have no feelings for the ex, you did have a real relationship with being engaged to be married and some guys can get quite jealous of that, not seeing any reason as strong enough to make it worth seeing an old friend just to check on them. He may just believe you still have feelings for the guy.
You need to realize why he made that request in the first place so you can honor his request. the easyest way I know is to put yourself in his shoes or his situation. Lets say the circumstances were switched, that you are the one who after the breakup and the keeping in touch found yourself falling for him all over again. However he was dating someone else and said he didn't want you anymore in the same way. You would have felt heartbroken all over, suffer from the rejection and find that every effort to continue to meet as friends when he asked, just isnt the same now. At this point, every minute spent with him on a visit is just a reminder of what you have lost. To quiet the heart ache some, you would choose to not be in contact in any way shape or form. I have heard this same story told by many people sometimes the males, sometimes the females. It isn't a situation that happens to only one sex.
So his request was entirely reasonable when put that way of looking at it thru his eyes.
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Probably not a good idea.
He was really clear about what he wanted. He did not want to be friends anymore. There is no reason to assume his feelings have changed. Reaching out now would be a fundamentally selfish thing to do. You're seeking your own happiness and to satisfy your own curiosity, even though the only thing you know for sure is that he asked you not to contact him.
It's totally unfair to try and be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you.
If you want to know how his sisters are because they were once your friends, contact them, not him. He's told you he's not your friend. Until he chooses to contact you and tell you otherwise, you should respect that.
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