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I was home alone and had a breakdown that scared me a lot.
I am 18/F
I have been feeling kind of off emotionally/mentally for about 5 months
In the past couple weeks it has gotten much worse. I cry nearly every day. I feel lonely a lot unless I am with my friends. I am a Christian but I don't really know if I am anymore.... like I believe but I don't act on my belief. I always want to be alone in my room when at home but then get unbearably lonely.
Yesterday, I was home alone and had a breakdown that scared me a lot. I was working on packing because I am going to university, but I really didn't feel like packing. My room was a disaster so I went to sit in the living room with my laptop. While sitting there, I got this sudden wave of negative emotions. I wanted to scream, and tried to, but couldn't. I subconsciously started digging my thumbnail into my arm, and by the time I noticed I had almost drawn blood. I suddenly realized that I was very tempted to do that over and over. By that point I was crying and shaking. I was terrified that I would hurt myself badly or break something.
I eventually texted a friend and asked if I could go to her house because I was afraid of what would happen if I was alone for 3 more hours. (I didn't tell her that, I just asked if I could go over) she asked if I was okay and I just told her I was lonely and bored. I wish I had told her more but I hate talking about my feelings. I have been feeling off for months and never told anyone. And now I am going to university and won't see my friends for months
I don't know what to do with myself
Also, this is not the first time I have done that with my thumbnail, but usually I don't go far enough to bleed. Also occasionally I will scratch myself(in a very small area) until the skin is raw enough that it will scab over later.
I don't know what I am asking but maybe someone can figure out what I need.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
There's no doubt that you are in emotional distress. The compulsion to harm yourself and/or cause yourself pain is common among people who are suffering from anxiety and depression and are trying to release some of their pain through physical harm. You mentioned that you tried to scream but you couldn't so you tried to evoke a response through self-harm. It is irresponsible for total strangers to try and diagnose you but it's clear that you need to reach out for professional help. There are counselors at Universities. That might be a good place to start. Do not be afraid to keep looking until you find a good therapist/counselor in whom you can trust and feel safe to talk about what is bothering you. Not wanting to do talk about your feelings is precisely why you need to. If it'll be a while before you leave, then reach out now. It's important.
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I have a daughter who at 17 was feeling like you, very depressed. I was the kind of Mom who had private daily chats with each of 3 daughters and they were comfortable talking to me about any of their issues....except for one...there were no signs and the daughter hid it well, but she suffered silently in depression and never told anyone. It wasn't until she had a baby at close to age 22 that post natal depression kicked in and pushed her over the edge where she feared harming herself or the baby and began to see a professional for that.
I still live with the knowledge that she suffered while I thought all was okay and there were no signs. and believe me, I was looking for all sorts of signs for depression, that my kids may be on drugs, etc. I know better than to blame myself as I was doing all I could. NOt all parents may feel that way. Your parents need to know so they don't live with guilt in the future wondering if they could have helped you somehow.
As far as ones faith, I simply have a hard time praying to God to heal me when I have caught a simple viral or bacterial infection and feel so crummy that I can not focus on prayer well. I do so but it feels like I am doing a poor job. The good thing is God knows your needs before you even ask. A simple 'send angels to comfort me right now or God, help my body to heal faster and give me a clear healthy mind again asap. You dont need a long drawn out chat with God.
I can't know what is causing this for you. And sometimes, we would rather not know what it is cus knowing is even scarier. But what is actually scarier is not getting diagnosed and treated, even if its something really simple that can easily be corrected, but end up so depressed one commits suicide. Talk about guilt for parents...this is one of major reasons why happy married couples break up, the loss of a child at any age. Yes, you need to think about yourself but realize that whatever you do or fail to do to get help, will affect those around you, those closest, family, relatives and close friends.
It may be a little of being scared to leave the comfort of home and a routine of high school and friend you are familiar with. Change is scary for everyone. Its just that some of us are better at hiding it when we are scared but forcing ourselves to do what we know we need to do.
Since this hasn't been an ongoing thing for the past couple years, but recently as the time to prepare for college draws near. You may not actually consciously feel afraid, but it may be affecting you more at a subconscious level which can bring on the behavior you mentioned but without you fully aware that these fears or uncomfort is what started it. What caused it to get so far out of hand? I am not a medical Dr. But I know from experience and reading up on it, that if our thoughts are not the best, then any actions that follow will be the same or worse. So negative or distorted thinking or self defeating thoughts can all cause a person to exhibit negative, unhelpful actions. You do need to talk to someone. Get used to it first by perhaps talking to your friend. Then take the step to tell your parents so they can help. Students while in college can often still be on parents healthcare plan until they finish college so this may be something they can help you with. I would also suggest that your parents look at this website of a Psychologist who now teaches thru books about the existance of non medication methods to deal with this. Cognitive behavioral therapy. There are even some counselors who are doing this too. You need to find a professional who uses this method of CBT to help you. It may be a bit of anxiety. Heres the site to share with your parents so they can help you get hooked up with the right person. I'd ask on site for referral to Drs. in the area of your college so you can go to appts. easily.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I don't beleive you have the clinical depression my daughter has that requires medication but there is always a chance as these kinds of things seem to start in the teens. But since it hasn't been long and coincides with you going off to college, Its more likely something that is going to be temporary and short term if dealt with professionally in the right way. Please don't remain silent. YOu're not in a state of mind to get the help yourself as you are frozen in this state. Tell the parents and allow them to help you but DO tell them of Dr. David Burns website as they need to know this to make the best possible connection of help for you.
Good luck and God bless!
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What you need is to talk to someone. I am 18 as well and I don't like to share personal stuff and emotions with others, not even with my close friends. But recently I did start talking about my private life with a friend and it honestly is the best thing ever. Trust me, the relief is worth opening up. You will suddenly feel like your burden is not only yours anymore. You've shared it with a friend and if that friend is as amazing as mine, then they'll make you feel much better. Just by saying this, what you just wrote here, to a friend, it will make you feel much better.
And also, could this breakdown stuff be connected to you leaving for university? Maybe. I know that when I will be packing for uni I will cry so hard and feel like I'm about to go nuts.
So all in all, I assure you that when you share your problem with a friend, the loneliness will be less, much less. You just need a nice long deep talk with someone late at night who will listen to you and understand you. Trust me, that thing is like a life remedy.
Also if you want to continue sharing stuff, you can always send me a private message and I'll be happy to listen :)
Good luck at uni!
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