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Anger issues with my family peaking
I am 20 from and currently pursuing my Engineering. I have 2 more years to complete Masters so i live off my parents' money. My Parents especially dad are what you say "perfectionist". Whatever i have done since child, i was subjected to what can be said as "constructive criticism". While i accept fully any type of criticism and learn from my mistakes, criticizing every decision i have ever taken, rather practically everything i have ever done pissed me of since i was a kid. I ended up turning a people pleaser. I used to get angry but i somehow suppressed it. Now after so many years i find myself difficult to carry it further. It is like i have reached a peak. In recent times i find myself exploding with anger, taking everything in hand and destroying it. Be it the tv, computer to vent my rage. i still somehow manage to control myself. Let me give an eg: I am a regular goalkeeper for my soccer team. My dad insists i should play as a forward,which i used to but i sucked. I was never picked up in the playing XI. I started Goalkeeping in the interest of the team and so as i get an opportunity to play. I worked hard and it has earned me respect and praise from all my team mates and coach. However my dad feels i am running away from fear and goalkeep because i do not want to run.He says i ll hav to stop playing if he sees me goalkeeping. I dont think this makes sense ! I do not know how long i can control my rage. Talking sensibly wont help. He gets angry and wont talk and so i keep calm. I need help. I do not have any control over my anger now !!
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Let’s start with the fact that you’re an adult know and have been since your turned 18. I understand dad is paying the freight for college though that does not give him the right to control your life. You father has control issues for now he is using money and college to control you or at least that is the way it sounds. There is an alternative to having dad control you with his money and that is to take out student loans to pay for the remaining two years. You can also talk to financial aid to see what if any grants or scholarships you may qualify for. This is an option open to you and something you can use to get dad to understand you will not allow him to control you.
Before you go that route you need to get these anger issues under control. These are deep seated issues brought on by years of your fathers control issues. This forum and I do not have a quick fix for this problem. For his you need talk therapy with a psychologist who is someone who can help you get control over these issues and control over your life. The student health center should have someone that can help you with this problem. I would also believe you are suffering from mild depression as well because of these issues. Both of these problems can be helped with talk therapy.
As for the soccer game; if I were you I would tell your dad the following. "Soccer is a team sport and I am part of the team." "Goalkeeping is the position I play best and is where the coach wants me to play and where I am most beneficial to the team." "If you don't want to see me playing this position don't come to my games but I will play the position that I am asked to play if it benefits the team as a whole."
Of course put that into your own words but tell him that. You do so as part of your declaring your independence. It is a small step that you need to do to show him he can no longer control you. You also need to say just that to him as well. "Dad I’m and adult and I will make my own choices in life." "You need to declare your independence now or he will control you until the day he dies.
As to financial aid and student loans; if dad is using his financial aid to control you then if you can get financial aid in the form of student loans, grants and scholarship you can take another step to declaring your inde3pendence from him. Check into this with the financial aid center at school. See how much aid you can receive. If it is enough to cover your costs to complete you degree then I suggest the following.
Once you are sure you have the financial aid you need you can tell your dad. "Dad I appreciate all you have done for me in regard to college but I can no longer allow you to use that aid to control me." "If you wish to continue to pay for school because that is what good fathers do for their children I will accept it with the greatest of thanks." If that financial assistance come with strings that allow you to control me then keep you money and I will accept the student loans I have arranged for."
Then accelerate your studies by going to school during the summer and intersession as this will limit your loans. You will then graduate with somewhere in the amount of $70K in loans which you will need to start paying back six months after you graduate.
First and foremost is to go to the student health center and arrange for talk therapy. It is time for you to take control of your life and only you can do that yourself with a little help from a psychologist.
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