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I want to run away, what do I do?
22/f
My first counselor was in high school, she saw that I had a hint of depression. During this time, I was 18 years old. I was taking 27 credit hours (wasn't a choice because I was also a high school student), working 24 hours/week, and my boyfriend at that time and I weren't doing so well. The next two years, my depression had worsen, my boyfriend (same one from high school) was "dragging me on" and I was waiting for him and didn't completely leave him until I was 21. During this process, I didn't realize that my well-being was winding downward because I was so focused on my relationship. Since then I've been having trouble feeling better. I still feel very sad and I sometimes feel the need to cry for no apparent reason. I sometimes feel sad when I don't even have a reason to feel sad.
I think my anxiety is due to my current relationship with my boyfriend. He has broken my trust several times, and we've been going to couples therapy to try to rebuild trust. But I would sometimes get random anxiety attacks out of nowhere--shortness of breaths, sweaty palms, rapid breathing, mind racing, and feeling as if I'm going crazy. I'm not thinking about anything in particular, but I do fear that something bad has/is going to happen.
I feel as if my life is falling apart. When something good happens, I feel that something bad/terrible happens to me right afterward. For example, yesterday my boyfriend came back from a business trip. I was excited and looking forward to him coming back. Not feeling depressed, I was being very productive in the morning--cleaning, took the dog out for a walk, etc. But when I was about to take the dog to visit my mom, my car was not working at all. This may be a coincidence, but it seems as if something bad is always going to happen even if I feel great.
I don't like my current job (I'm a graphic designer), and I'm trying to get my alternate certification in teaching. However, when I was studying for the EC-6 generalist test, I received a notice that the EC-6 generalist has been discontinued and was replaced by another test. I was advised to buy another test that related to the current test, meaning that I had to start over. My family life is stressful. My family is about to lose the house, my mom (also has depression and anxiety) tends to focus on getting a new car instead of trying to save this house, always being lectured by my mom (regular conversations turns into lectures), and when I'm not being lectured, my older sister tends to complain to me about everything happening in our home or in her current life. I feel as if I don't have a place for myself. When I go home, I'm always being bothered and I feel that the environment at home does not benefit me in any way. When I stay at my boyfriend's house, I feel as if I'm taking care of his chores, taking care of his dog, etc. There is not a place for me to actually relax. I miss my room; I miss my stuff; and I'm just feeling miserable, yet lonely at the same time.
The only reason why I haven't moved away and started over is because I know that my family needs me. If there was any hint that they would be okay without me, I probably would have packed everything and left. A lot of people thought it would be best for me, some say it would be very difficult, but I feel that it would be so much easier than to wake up to my current life.
I don't know what to do, or how to feel better. I've done counseling, I've done different types of exercises to help me feel better (I'm not taking medication, I wanted to do everything naturally), but it only helps with a short amount of time. Most of these things are environmental and not biological. Since my family is going through the same stressors and we don't have any other family members that have depression and anxiety, I'm not sure what I should do.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I will start with the part of you noting that you have done counseling. There are two main styles of counseling for depression and anxieties. One kind is linked with the idea its all due to chemical imbalances and usually some medication is given. Most people drop their medication as they feel worse on it. The second type has been around long enough to have a good track record. One of the Psychologists approached by his peers with what is called the CBT method, Cognitive Behavorial therapy, decided to try it on his worst untreatable patients and they improved or were cured. Today he gives lectures to other Drs. Has written books on the subject. Because of him, I know there is hope, it has helped family members. The anxiety part he covers on shyness/social anxiety are the exact same things I did on my own as a teen, coming across the same info via another source and it helped me. So I know this works. He does say that there are only a few people who truly need medication but If I were you, I'd rather have a Dr. trained in CBT making that determination. Most improve or are cured in just months of visits rather than years of visits. Once you mom, sis and anyone else in the family is cured, home life will improve even if the house is lost. Having a clear mind is a good thing for planning a better future. If your family isn't willing or ready to ask for this kind of help or dont even think they have a problem, you'll do better to find someone else to ive with who is a more positive person.
That all said, here is a video I want you to watch of a talk by the Dr. I am talking of, Dr. David D. Burns and a link to his website. You could get one of his books to read and work thru but I've read it and can tell you its very hard to self diagnos which exact method in the book will best help you. So its best that you contact him and ask for referalls of names of Dr.s in your area. I know you're disappointed with lack of help so far from the professional section, but if trying just this one more thing does the trick of taking away depression and giving you hope, its worth it, isnt it?
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Good luck dear!
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I agree it sounds like you are depressed. You need to be properly diagnosed as to which type of depression you suffer from. I suffered from clinical depression for many years before I was first diagnosed.
The first time I was diagnosed and treated I did so without medication. Then I was involved in a life changing auto accident and the depression returned. Even though the diagnoses was still clinical depression this time I needed medication to help me see things more clearly and it made the therapy much easier and much more helpful.
One thing about therapy is it works best when patient and therapist work well together. I was lucky the first time and hooked up with a great therapist. When I needed therapy the second time he was not available and I went through2 others before I hooked up with the third one who I clicked with and worked well with.
If the therapy did not work for you don't blame the therapy blame the therapist. If you were to comfortable enough with the therapist as someone you could tell your deepest and darkest secrets to then you had the wrong therapist. Remember one thing about therapy. What is said in therapy stays in therapy no one will ever know what is discussed without your written permission to release anything.
My suggestion is: That you be properly diagnosed as to what kind of depression you suffer with. This starts with a visit to your family doctor for a complete physical and you ask to be screened for depression. The screening is nothing more than questions the doctor will ask you from which the doctor can make a diagnoses. Most of the answers to the questions you have written to us about having the symptoms. The reason for the full physical is to rule out any organic cause for your depression.
Once you have a diagnoses find a Board Certified Psychiatrist to treat you . The Psychiatrist is mainly for medication. Your therapist will be your primary care giver for treating your depression. Since Clinical depression is generally caused by a chemical imbalance of one or two chemicals secreted into the brain. Even though this is more of a medical conditions, the fact that the chemicals are secreted into the brain the Board Certified Psychiatrist is the better doctor by training to provide medication and treat depression.
I was treated this way and my depression is now in remission. I cannot say I'm cured as I have had 2 bouts of depression and depression runs in my family. I have been taught what to look for and what triggers my depression.
My life is different now then what it was when my last bout of depression was triggered so there is little chance of it returning. still thanks to a great psychologist and a very good psychiatrist who medicated me in the beginning I am now over my depression and love life again.
I've spent a lot of time talking about caring for your depression. I've done so because it is important to improve how you feel before you can tackle the other things you have written about as they are greatly affected by your depressed state of mind.
I would not suggest changing jobs until you have found a good therapist and discussed this with the therapist. I do suggest moving out of your mothers' home as it may be one of the triggers of your depression.
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"The only reason why I haven't moved away and started over is because I know that my family needs me."
Your family does not need you. Your family will do perfectly ok without you around. Other families all over the world do fine without you - what makes your family so special?
Dump your b/f. Same comments apply, btw: your b/f does not need you to do his chores, take care of his dog. Millions of guys all over the world manage perfectly fine without you around to take care of things. Your b/f and his dog aren't that special. You are the one making such a big deal of this.
By all means, consider seeing a doctor for some anti-anxiety pills. But beware of making a lifetime habit of it.
The secret of depression is that it gives us power to get rid of stuff we don't need.
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