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Am I A Liar, Too?
24/F
Sometimes I feel like I am turning out like my mother, which terrifies me.
She’s a compulsive liar and most recently told me horrible lies about her own mother, after I tried telling her that she needs to learn to cherish her while she still has a chance. Since, she will regret not doing so.
My boyfriend’s mother grew up knowing something painful and it followed into her adult years. Her mother was married to her father, who my boyfriend's mom was close to, but from the time that she was eight years old, her mother was seeing another man and dated him for 46 years while still married to her father. Yet, her mother recently passed away, and she managed to have a close relationship with her. When she finally died, my boyfriend’s mother broke out in tears.
My mother concocted something even worse, villainizing her mother.
She said that when she was 17, she was almost raped and when she tried telling her parents, they made no big commotion about it. It was as though, it actually happened, she could tell me so many little things. The name of the guy, the outfit she was wearing, etcetera.
She then told me that my grandmother insisted things like this don’t happen in our family. Then, she, also, said that my grandmother (who I know had her own share of affairs) attempted to set her up with her boyfriend, so that she would have a date for her senior prom.
Apparently none of this stuff happened. My grandmother was so upset that my mother had dreamt up such a lie. When I first told her that my mother had nearly been sexually assaulted, she was very shocked, and said that my mother had never informed her. She (my grandmother) is a very hard woman and doesn’t cry much, so she reacted by yelling and telling my mother that she was a liar. Yet, you could tell that she was hurt and upset that her only child was making up something so painful, and making her look like such a shitty person.
It’s a wonderful way for my mother to bite the hand who feeds her. My grandmother has taken care of her for nearly 58 years. Her entirely life, mostly. She, also, watched her kids when both of my parents had to go to work. Now that my mom is sick and unable to work, my grandmother who has COPD, does things such as taking care of her when she is a diabetic coma, and making sure that she eats before dialysis.
Additionally, whenever my mother is in the hospital, she calls her every day to find out how she is. It's very difficult for my grandmother to go anywhere, which I'm sure is that only reasons why she doesn't visit her when she's in the hospital.
I’m pretty sure that my grandmother is telling me the truth and not covering for herself, because my father who has been married to her for 33 years has NEVER heard about this. I think that somehow, especially since she claimed that my father was the first and only man she slept with, that it would have come up at one point.
When I asked my sister if my mother had ever told her about being nearly raped, which I had asked my mother, she said no. My sister was nearly raped, so it kind of confuses me that she wouldn't encourage her daughter to call the cops and press charges, that way he couldn't do it to another woman.
Instead, she informed me that it is bad news to bring a rapist to trial because the defense will make you look like a slut. Okay, that just pisses me off that my mother would tell me that. I have never been raped, but if it was, it's nice to know that I would be encouraged not to press charges.
This is not the only cruel lie that she has told. She said that my other grandmother (whose now dead) sold her food stamps to earn money for alcohol, which is a lie… I think that knowing that made my dad cry if I remember right, and it’s one of the reasons why my aunts and uncles (her children) hate my mom now.
It turns out that this story was probably actually discussed on Dr. Phil, which is where my mother came up with her story.
Growing up with a mother like mine, I try really hard not to lie, but it seems like I never get my information correctly. So, doesn’t that mean that I’m technically lying to people?
I’ve been telling people that my boyfriend is going to graduate that semester for nearly two years now. He’s finally graduating in Fall 2015. Then I also said that my cousin, who is pregnant, is leaving her job to raise her baby, which I strongly disagree with. My grandmother then told me that’s not true. My cousin is not leaving her job, but she is taking time off of work to go on maternity leave. I, also, told people that my cousin was not really in love with her then fiancé, now husband, which is something that I reciprocated from my mother but that’s beside the point. Yet, I also feel like people are telling me these things, which is why I’m telling these stories.
Whenever I find out that something that I told someone is untrue, I always tell them that… but it’s still lying, isn’t it?
Is it normal for other people to do things like this, like the game of telephone that most of us played in grade school?
When does lying get really bad? Am I doomed to become like my mother?
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Here's a rule to stick with in life, if you weren't there to see/witness it for yourself, or hear straight from a person what others are 'saying' they said, then you don't know for sure that it is true, it's only speculation. If you must gossip, then when passing on a story you've heard, you could say, "This is just speculation, as I have no way of confirming it, but ...." However a better choice is to not share other peoples stories because unless you have witnessed the event, you can not prove the story you want to tell in true.
That is why I don't believe anything I see in print about celebrity's unless they were being interviewed live by Barbara Walters or some such person and I heard the facts from the horse's mouth so to speak. Even on the news, I've heard people say, I never said that, they spliced things I said to give a different spin on it. People are gullible but people also are more interested in the 'dirty laundry' of other peoples lives than living a good life which isn't as attention grabbing. It's like that song called Dirty Laundry. The lyrics are soo true:
Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies
"We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie We love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry
We can do "The Innuendo," we can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry.
I have someone in the family telling horrific stories about their childhood and yet the person is suffering from mental illness and not taking their meds. by their own confession, so we can't be 100% sure that all this persons stories are true. Due to the illness, it's more likely that all of it is made up in their minds and by actions we have witnessed, the person is becoming very unstable.
You can't change or improve your mom. That is her life to live and only in her control to improve herself. And most people don't like change or refuse to believe there's something wrong with the way they operate in life.
As to reasons why she might do this, it doesnt matter, your only concern should be how you live your life. If you feel you are really struggling with this a lot, you may want to go to see a counselor for a while. Your mind is so muddied up listening to Mother from birth til now that you need a clear perspective in how to handle her stories so it helps to see a professional. That way you can be sure if you are doing something that is destructive, you can learn how to do better or perhaps what you perceive as you being like mom is not true at all. Good luck dear.
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No one is ever doomed to become like their parents. You can always differ and change as you please. I wouldn't say that is Really lying considering that you thought it was true. However, you shouldn't believe everything you hear, and probably shouldn't start telling it around until it is definite and confirmed. That way, you can avoid looking like a liar. (Even if you aren't one) it would seem that your mother could either have schizophrenia, or is some severe kind of liar, which could be compulsive, pathological, etc. and there are many reasons why one could be that way, or do those things.
Hope this helps~
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