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I don't know what's wrong with me
Female, 18.
I'm under the suspiscion that I might be suffering from depression - or something close to it. I have already been diagnosed about three years ago with hypothyroidsm, so perhaps this adds to the factor. I haven't been taking care of myself - more than usual - I procrastinate too much and then I have tiny breakdowns where I cry alone about how stupid and worthless I mean. Because I know in fact that I am the one doing things wrong, yet can't bring myself to fix things. I have extreme low self-esteem issues and I think I have many phobias that need taking care of - I can't stand being locked up, I hate large crowds because I feel uncomfortable, I fear loads of responsability, I have stage-fright even just to speak at times and I have a completely irrational fear of reptiles, amphibians and throwing up/vomit in general. I feel like I'm letting myself go and instead of pushing forward I'm being dragged back by my low spirits. I have been loathing going into Facebook simply because I see my friends being so happy and since I don't find anything happening to be happy, I get angry at them. Its horrible on my part. I'm a nice girl, but sometimes its hard to be so and I come to moments like these where I just don't want to do/be/think anything and just... dissappear. To magically have all my problems erased somehow... which only gets people angry at me or something and makes me feel worse. I just realized that my thoughts are being perhaps a bit toooo negative and I might actually need help here.
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hey ya! i dont know if i'll be helping you but hopefully it makes you feel better. i was once really depressed too. i suddenly found myself with a lot of responsibilities i felt like drowning, that people around me seem to cope with swimmingly and im the only one struggling with it. i felt like a complete loser, how can i survive in this world if i can't even cope with little responsibilities. it's like i can't even walk. my self-esteem was so low and then slowly, even small problems felt big. i was an international student and i couldn't even cope with getting my passport status renewed, even though it only takes me a trip to the office to let the staff know. i was neck-deep in problems that kept piling on, and i myself knew it was all my fault. i didn't wanna deal with the problems, let it fester til i get into real trouble. at one point, i totally gave up and became a recluse. i couldn't even get up off my bed, many times i woke up screaming in my head "why am i still alive?! why can't i die in my sleep?! what's the use of me living in this world?!". it was just... dark.
but finally i had enough and realized that i had hit rock bottom, i should just crash. i ran away from all my problems and left everything. i went back home to escape from all the fears and the responsibilities and the problem and i just didnt care. but you know what? it took a while, but i felt better. i too was the nice girl and being selfish was just unthinkable to me, but you know what? being selfish made me happier. maybe my solution is not an encouraging one, instead of fight, i chose flight. but what im trying to say is, i think like how i was, you also know what your real fear or main source of stress is. i think you know what is the thing that will make you happy, but maybe you lack the courage to do it. most people think it's bad or a crime to be selfish and so they keep their sadness to keep others happy. it doesn't have to be that way. if you're feeling depressed and you know what it is, change something. you have to change something, no matter how absurd or selfish it is. change to make yourself happy, be selfish and think of yourself first. anyway it's long but i really wanted to share my story.
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I can write about how your hypothyroidsm is making you mentally unstable but you already know that. You, as a human being, have all of the control to change your outlook on life/yourself/etc. I suffered from depression for a while and i learned this VERY simple trick. write down all of the things that you're upset about. Stressors, things that are making you mad, sad, annoyed, anything. Write them all on the pieces of paper. Now seperate them into things you can control and things you cant. This is allowing your to see things that are completely out of your control and you shouldn't beat yourself down about things you have NO CONTROL over then there are things that you see that YOU control. This will completely help you. You're not alone. You control your life.
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Thyroid conditions can certainly mirror many of the symptoms we associate with depression and acute anxiety. Feeling 'out of control' and that we are 'losing it' are very common. These are often what prompt unknowing sufferers to visit the doctor, where the condition is identified. Once under control via treatment and medication the symptoms are also controlled or eliminted. I suggest your first action is to get the thyroid conditon reviewed and go from there. It's one of those conditions that is purely physiological but many of the symptoms have strongy psychological/emotional effects. Hopefully this willl sort things out. Try to stay as calm as possible until you know, don't try to guess ahead and jump the gun (as you might say) and self-diagnose depression just yet. Personally I have known people actually relieved to find that it was a thyroid condition causing such turbulent sensations and feelings, having felt that they were in the grip of such a severe psychiatric 'breakdown' that they would need to spend the rest of their life in care. So I appreciate you might be experiencing some powerful feelings. Make an appointment soon and get things moving in the right direction.
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Ok well, for one thing let me just say medication for depression is not ALWAYS the answer. Theres been a study done where alot of people who are on certain types of depression meds need more and more over time and then end up killing themselves or harming others after missing a dosage time just ONCE. ((so think about other ways to get back your feet without those first))
What i WILL say here is it sounds like you need to get out. everyone has to start somewhere with everything in their lives, and everyone is "a beginner" at some point in everything we do. Maybe you could try starting out by taking short walks around your neighborhood, even if its at night when no one is around. You could walk a pet outside or bike, just getting some fresh air everyday can really help chemical levels in your brain and get fluids moving and in turn will help with sleeping and feeling better.
you have to try to just put one foot in front of the other. Dont look at the bigger picture for right now just take things slow and handle one thing at a time. You seem like your overwhelmed when you think about everything thats wrong in your life.
Also, facebook can have a great way of making peoples lives look ALOT better then they actually are. lol. So try not to take pictures and comments to heart.
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