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Narcissistic Boyfriend
So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years this month. I can honestly say he is the one I want to spend my life with and we've discussed plans to get married within the next couple of years. He's funny, charming, and as cliche as this sounds, he's been my rock through some very hard times. I recently lost my father and he has been supportive in every way.
However, he is slightly narcissistic and it drives me crazy. I rarely voice my feelings when he does something small that upsets me, because I don't want to cause an argument if I can simply get over it. So when I do confront him, it's because I am very upset. But even when I calmly tell him why he has upset me, he tells me that I'm overreacting. He never thinks that he does anything wrong.
For example, we have a long distance relationship. He said that he'd be leaving Monday to come stay with me for a couple days. Monday came and I was so excited. I called him to see what time he'd be leaving and he said "I'm not coming until tomorrow. My boss really needed me to take an extra shift so I couldn't say no." I asked him when his boss asked him to do that, and it had been several days before and he just didn't tell me. When I told him that I was upset, he got angry and told me that I was being inconsiderate and that he has a responsibility to show up for his job. I totally understand that and had no problem with him picking up a shift for his boss; I was upset about him not telling me that during one of our many conversations about our plans for Monday. He told me that I was overreacting and that just because I was going through a hard time doesn't mean I can treat him like crap. I told him that it's unfair to turn every fight around on me. If I'm upset with him, he never apologizes. My being angry is a result of something else like "being on my period" or "going through a tough time." HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG.
And it's not just when we fight. He thinks that all of his interests are exciting and mine are not. While I listen to him talk about football for hours on end and I do actively listen and respond, when I talk about something I like, he immediately says things like "why do you like that? that's so boring"
We go to the mall and he complains the WHOLE time, even though we never spend more than 2 hours there and he has stores that he likes to go in. In fact, we go in the stores he likes, and he shows me every little thing that catches his eye, and if we spend more than 5 minutes in a women's store, he starts complaining or talking about how ugly everything is.
He said he hates the mall because walking around for that long hurts his back. (I suppose he wants me to feel bad) but when he wants to golf, we'll spend anywhere from 2-5 hours on the course and his back is FINE.
I don't know if he acts this way because he's an only child and his parents worship the ground he walks on, but I'm about to go crazy. Normally I wouldn't stand for this kind of behavior, but otherwise he's an amazing boyfriend, and really does do so much for me. He's not selfish by any means, he takes me out on dates all the time, and really does treat me like a queen... but he's also very into himself. That's why I don't know how to bring this up to him. He'll get mad and think I'm being ridiculous, even if I point out the facts and all the times he's been rude to me.
How do you tell a narcissist that they're doing something wrong?
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Sounds like a very difficult situation you're in. If you plan on being married to him, I'd say just get used to being treated like this for the rest of your life. In my opinion if I were in your shoes I sit him down, face to face and before voicing any opinions I'd say this: "We are going to have a serious conversation. There will be no yelling or interruption one another, we will be civilized. You may leave at any point, but if you leave don't bother on coming back because if you cannot handle sorting through something as small as this, we weren't meant to be."
Then explain to him your side, tell him what he does you don't like and how it makes you feel so insignificant. Make him understand that this is a relationship, you two are a couple and couples are two people. That means you have differences and similarities. Both sides are very important and vital to the relationship.
If you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with him, make sure he values your opinion and you yourself because you are your opinion. And if he doesn't value that he doesn't value you.
In theory he will apologize, you will apologize, and then live a much happier and respected life.
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The answer to 'How do you tell a narcissist that they are wrong', is you don't. They won't listen. The harder you try to tell them they are wrong, the more you are feeding their ego. They look at you trying to explain the facts and their brain thinks that you are an idiot. Plain and simple, if you can, run as far away as you can from him and cut off all tied. I too, dated a man who was just like this. It only gets worse. Almost everything you do will end up feeding his problem and it weighs on you. You give up on even the big stuff after a while because it wears you down to the point you've got no more fight left. Then depression sets in. You end up feeling like you're nobody because it all revolves around him. Then, who will you be? Get out now, while you still have strength left to do so. I didn't even know how bad I'd lost 'me', until months after I got out! I'm still learning how bad it was! No matter what you decide to do, know that you are worth more than he will make you feel! Eventually, you'll be a dumb rock in his eyes, but know hat you're a diamond!
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Hmm, you say he's a good guy but you had a heck of a lot more things to say about what's not right. I've had opportunity close up to see what a narcissistic husband is like. Made friends with a neighbor and her husband was one. As her friend, being over alot, he began to try to treat me the same way...all the stuff you mentioned.
You want to know if he acts this way cus he's an only child? NO, this has nothing to do with being an only child. This is actually a mental disorder. You can find it in this listing of mental disorders:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And here's wiki's description of the disorder. I call it the "God complex" because a person with the disorder believes they are superior to anyone else, and want to take away your personal choice and make them all for you. So it may SEEM like they are doing lots of nice things for someone, but if something else is asked for, they become like a wrathful God and want to make you pay.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Considering that his parents already believe he is perfect, they are either lying to themselves or totally oblivious so they won't be of help to convince him to see a psychologist.
So is there a way to tell him he's doing wrong? NO Because they won't take anything that hints they may not be perfect, and all knowing. My worst incident was popping in just as the neighbors husband was finishing making a meal. I was offered a glass of wine. He invited me to eat with them but I said I'd already eaten. He was pissed that I didn't want to eat the meal he cooked. He said that a lack of appetite was a sign of depression and I should go see a doctor. His statement was ludicrous, and when his wife dared to remind him I said I'd already eaten, he turned on her. "You dare disagree with me? Take that wedding ring off right now, put it here, you and I are done forever!" and he pounded the table with his finger. She went quiet and said no more. He placed a plate of food at the end of table where I stood sipping my wine and said sit and eat. I thanked him but said I was full, maybe another time. He turned on me and in a raised voice shaking a finger, he advanced on me saying, "I know what's good for you too, so sit and eat." But he came at me so fast shaking his hand that when he got within a foot of me, I panicked and flung the contents of my wine glass at him and then made a quick escape. Another time while over there, I corrected him on something that she and I had done together, I think a movie we were discussing and who acted in it. He insisted it was a certain actor, I told him that it wasn't the guy. His angry response, "You dare to insult my intelligence?" And it scared me. I could never be in relationship with someone like that. Over time, he only got worse and worse. They moved away and the lady lucked out in that he died a year ago.
There is no such thing as an amount of narcissism that is okay and healthy. Relationships or marriages with a person like this will be really destructive. The best thing is to avoid getting into that relationship or leaving it. But it's not that easy to be rid of a narcissist even if you leave. My advice, leave him. If he threatens you, pesters you, get police involved.
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