|
It's too overwhelming
I certainly feel as if I have run out of options. I don’t know the people I live with anymore. I am frustrated day by day in my own home. Yesterday, my mother tells me that I’ve been so apathetic lately, that it seems like I don’t care. She says, “You’re not happy.” Maybe, because of a lot of things that has happened lately, I can’t say I’m 100% happy. But, I’m not sad either. I just feel like I’ve lost control and I don’t know how to feel. If I get happy about something, somebody always finds a way to do or say something that tries to take away my happiness. If I’m sad, they just tell me I’m ungrateful and whining for no reason. I can’t ever do anything right.
I know that some of you have read my posts 1000 times. If you have read them and are tired of reading them, and cannot offer me any help other than criticism, please refrain from doing so, because I get enough of that. If you haven’t helped me, or have anything else to say, you are welcome to write here.
I was a pretty happy child growing up. I had a great relationship with my family. I didn’t live with my dad because my parents are divorced. But, I still had a good relationship with him, for the most part. He cared about my life. My mom was a little suffocating since I was her only thing in the world. But, other than that, she was like my best friend. I would tell her everything and she always seemed to be there for me.
When I first started college, I found out that I was adopted. A few months ago, my cousin, who was also like my brother, who was my closest friend, passed away from cancer. After that, my mom thinks it’s ok to act abusive. She claims that it’s because after he died, she’s never been the same and that she’s been through a lot in her life. But, it’s no excuse to be abusive. It’s almost like she’s going crazy. She starts screaming and throwing tantrums. She’s always telling me that I’m not good enough. Recently, I went on a trip with my boyfriend and we missed our transportation to get back (it was a bus, not a plane), and they were giving us credit to come back the next day. She told me beforehand “don’t you dare call me if you miss that bus!” So, I called my dad when I got stuck because I was scared, frightened, and nervous. I was also full of water park water and I longed to take a shower. I got bitten by ant, which I’m severely allergic to, and for a while, lost my eyesight and my tongue fell asleep. I also had a battery that was dying, so the only person I could think of calling was my dad. Because of this, my mom didn’t speak to me for days. Only when she was throwing things. My aunt came to me and grabbed me by the wrist, pulling my hair, and saying that I had to apologize to my mom for calling my dad. And my mom screaming: “you have no right to call your father.” Not only do I have a right to call my father, but I’m 21 years old, and I’ll do as I please. What my aunt did was assault.
I told my mom that I was going to move and she started to go crazy, threw herself on the floor and started pulling her hair and screaming “NO! NO! NO!” Then, she told me I couldn’t leave the house till I was married. Then, my grandmother promised me that once I graduate, she and my grandpa will buy me an apartment, which is in December. I just don’t believe anything they tell me anymore.
I use to want to be a psychology major since I was in the fourth grade. But, because of the problems I’ve had at home, I’ve never been able to study at home. It’s a vicious cycle. So, I didn’t do well on some pre-recs (mainly math and science). So, I decided to go for sociology because it seemed similar but a little easier. But, I feel like a failure. I really do. I feel like a failure to my family and to myself. I just want to graduate because I don’t want to be in this school anymore. I could always pursue another degree in psychology elsewhere. This school is getting too big and I just don’t want to be there anymore. There are plenty of university’s in my area. I really feel depressed because it’s too much to handle. I’ve been a good daughter, and don’t even question it for a moment. I’ve never done drugs, never come home drunk, get good grades, work, do a lot for school. In my spare time, I read the bible and go to church. Yet, she treats me like a criminal. I’m tired and I feel hopeless. She just lost her job. I thought that now, working, I’d finally be able to afford things for myself. But, now, she lost her job and asked me “will you help me with finances?” She uses my card for things and I see myself overdrawn sometimes, and I don’t know why.
I’m just tired. I feel helpless.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First off all, your mom cannot prevent you from moving. At 21 you are of age, which means like you said, you can do as you please. Judging from your situation living in a different place than the woman that is abusing you, seems like your best bet. If you are worried about how you will afford an apartment, try to get a few roommates to help you out; in her last year of college, my cousin rented a big house with a few other girls, that is just a suggestion.
Also, if you cannot afford an apartment, is there a way that you could move in with your father? Or that you could inform him about what's going on at home, and have him help you with rent and you'll pay him back after college? I have no idea what your father's financial situation is like.
If your mom is still really adamant about you staying in her house, give her the ultimatum by informing her about how much stress she is causing you by being abusive and that either she finds a way to resolve this, by going to counseling, or you are going to move out of the house. Everyone goes through a rough time but that is no reason for your mom to treat you the way that she currently is treating you.
I hope that I was able to help!
]
More Questions: |