Member Since: April 4, 2011
Answers: 2
Last Update: April 5, 2011
Visitors: 689
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I am a terrible procrastinator. I generally start papers a day or two before they're due, and I usually don't have too much of a problem with that. This semester, I'm taking a class in an unfamiliar subject and I'm finding it really hard to write. I'm currently in the middle of writing a paper that was due yesterday, but I am so stressed about the fact that I'm having trouble writing it, and on top of that, the fact that it's late and not even half-done. Every time I think about it, it triggers an anxiety attack. How can I calm down and get through this? (link)
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Try not to think of how much work is left, cause that will only freak you out. Remind yourself that you are an EXPERT procrastinator - you have done this before and can do it again!
Tell yourself to just sit down and finish. If you're feeling the writer's block really badly, make an outline of the rest of the paper you have to do, then just flesh it out. If you're stuck because you don't know something, jot that down and then research it online.
And when it gets down to the wire, I always tell myself to just write what I'm thinking, even if it's BS. Just get it down. You can edit later. Priority is finishing!
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I really don't know how to handle my wife, how to talk to her or deal with her. We're a young married couple, I'm 26 and she's 21, been married for over a year now and been together on and off for seven.
We both want kids. She wants kids now, and I want them some day. I'm not ready to be a father, certainly not ready to be any kind of role model for anyone, and we've both got school to get through. Thing is, she'll be done with school in less than two years and I want to go to med school, which with the late start I got due to not having the money to go is going to be at least another six or seven years.
She wants to have her first kid at 25. We both know this isn't possible, but because she has the baby bug now she sees 25 as a compromise.
That's not going to happen with me. I try to avoid this conversation because that is the flat out truth, I will not be having kids with her when she is 25 and I am 30. I will still be in school, possibly med school, I will not be able to be a father during that period.
She wants a definite date, and I can't give her one. She puts it on me to answer her, and this conversation comes up about every month or two ending in a fight each time because the answer never changes. The truth is that I don't know. I'm an undergrad at a shitty community college. I don't know how long it will take to get back into a decent university via transfer, I don't know that I will get into med school the first year I apply, I don't know how things will be five years from now.
But we always come back to her point of view. "This is my priority, everything I'm doing I'm doing so we can have kids". As condescending as it probably is, I cannot take her seriously. She's 21, I'm 26 and I'm not ready to be a father, and knowing that its literally biological clock issues that keep this on her mind make it difficult for me to have any level of patience with her when she gets all over me demanding answers and timetables and making veiled threats about "maybe if our priorities are this different we need to rethink things". When I get angry at her for making empty relationship threats during irrational periods I'm the asshole. When I tell her the truth I'm the asshole. When I try to avoid the conversations entirely I'm the asshole.
I know that what she feels is real and visceral, but she knows we cannot have kids any time soon, she knows I hate her pressuring me for answers that I do not have, timetables I cannot be sure we will be able to meet.
She flat out told me it's my job to comfort her, to give her what she needs here. To me, that's unreasonable. This is a partnership, and she uses that very word against me because she has an emotional desire to have kids which in many ways outweighs the logical rational knowledge that it cannot and will not happen right now.
I'm reaching the end of my rope. She's got a billion reasons why it needs to happen as soon as possible. Every one of them is, to her, entirely valid. If I disagree with her I'm not being sensitive to her needs and feelings. If she disagrees with me her thoughts are right and mine are wrong because she's the woman and she will have to carry the thing. I mean, she's repeatedly used the "my body won't recover from the pregnancy as well if I'm older" line to justify wanting to have it sooner. She's quoting autism statistics and studies and yelling at me that the five percent increased chance of complications from 30 to 35 is something that needs to motivate me to move my ass.
She wants to see me freaking out as much as she is. Her biggest problem is that, at this point, I don't think about kids. I have too many other goals to accomplish before they are a realistic possibility, I'm fighting for us to have a cohesive life that isn't living paycheck to paycheck before kids are a desire or consideration for me. She is angry at me, I feel like, because she is a woman with hormonal urges to have kids that make her think about this daily, and I am a dude who has nothing of the sort so I am focused on our goals, the things we need to and can accomplish. She wants me to obsess about children as much as she does. She knows it isn't and won't happen, because whatever biological clock I might have is entirely overridden by logic, and it makes her mad that I don't get it and don't feel like being harassed by her because of it. I can empathize with her when she is prepared to be reasonable, but right now she is not, and I'm getting really goddamn sick of it.
Therapy is not an option (uninsured and broke) so keep that in mind and if you're under 25 you do not have the life experience to give me an opinion I will respect (no offense intended) but if you're over 25 give me a perspective, ideas, anything.
Paging Rahzie to the front. (link)
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So, I'm going to give you the flip side. I'm a woman, older than 25, and in school right now (health field related). Harsh points first, then I'll end positively.
First, I think the reason why you're in this mess is because... you're really self centered.
You site empty threats on your wife's part, but consider that they might not be empty, or that they eventually won't be empty. This issue causes many divorces. Down the road, she may realize that if you don't sh#t or get off the pot, she could end up childless, while you could always end up having babies with a younger model down the road if you two get divorced. That thought might put her into action of finding someone new who clearly wants kids sooner rather than later.
Also, consider that, like you said, you are still in community college. You might never get into med school. It's extremely competitive. I have several friends who finally got in after 4 or 5 tries, but they started way younger than 25. You are putting your life on hold for something that might never happen.
People have kids in med school. Yes it's rough, but it can be done. If you want to wait another 9 years for you to finish school/residency, that might be unacceptable for your wife. Also, having a baby in med school is harder than having a 4 or 5 year old who goes to school and [hopefully] sleeps through the night.
Don't discount the bio clock or the statistics. For example, how do you feel about terminating a down's syndrome pregnancy? What if you wouldn't, but she would, but you want to wait to have kids to the point where it puts her at a greater chance for getting pregnant with a down's baby? (% starts increasing at 30) Women have a lot to worry about when it comes to health/bio clock that I don't think men can even BEGIN to understand or relate to. Acting like you do and then telling her she's crazy is pretty much a one way street to only getting laid if you agree to have unprotected sex when she's ovulating. It's really dumb, man. I admit, 21 is more than out of the safety fertility net, but once you hit 25-30, you are looking at the beginning of the end, and you are telling her that you're not even going to start when she's 25. Frankly, she is being rational when that makes her mad, and she's being even more rational by trying to set a timeline. The next rational step would be to leave if she wants kids more than she wants to be with you (assuming you don't want them).
And uh, yes, the body thing is totally rational. Your body bounces back so much faster when you are young. Teenagers having babies isn't a good idea, but they leave the hospital in their skinny jeans after delivering... compared to the 35 year old who will have 20 (or more) extra pounds she'll never be able to lose. Not to mention, older women are more prone to getting things like gestational diabetes and pre eclampsia. Can you relate to that? Um. No. So don't tell her it's stupid. Being pregnant is really hard on your body, and the older you get, the worse that is.
All that being said, 21, in my opinion, is really young... and yeah, she sounds EXTREMELY emotionally charged. From someone who has a uterus and raging PMS from time to time, and the occasional emotionally charged "discussion" with the love of my life... your responses may be the part of the reason why it's gotten to this point.
Here's what might help from you:
Saying something like... I really want to have kids with you because I love you. And I really want that to be a wonderful experience. You acting this way - do you think it'll help this be a loving experience? Do you think fighting like this puts me in the mood to make babies?
Giving her some type of realistic plan or working with her to discover a plan. Women are planners. Maybe you guys could post on a med school discussion board and ask med students advice about having kids in school, read the responses and talk about it. Maybe you could babysit together. Give her SOMETHING to show her that you are at least thinking about what she wants instead of completely discounting her thoughts and making the decision for her.
Focus on saying what you think in a loving way, not "you're stupid and irrational."
If things get way too heated, tell her you really want to focus on your marriage and take a break from baby makin discussions... and deliver on your promise. Woo her as if you might lose her (as if you're still dating). Think of what initially attracted you to her and tell her that. Be romantic. That will REALLY soften her up. And you don't need money to do this. You have two hands - use them! Give her a back rub.
She married you because she loves you. And she wants to have your kids... becaue she loves you. That is flattery in it's highest form. She wants to get fat, probably get some throbbing hemrrhoids, forever change her body and life... because she wants to have YOUR children.
Last thought. Be honest with yourself. Do you really want kids? Can you give her a timeline she can be happy with? If not, you need to tell her in a way that allows her to leave the relationship if she wants to. She is 21 and has plenty of time to meet someone new, fall in love, and have kids. If that's not you, don't be selfish... if you love her, you will want her to have what she wants out of life, even if that's not you.
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