Gender: Female
Location: New Zealand
Occupation: Student
Age: 20
Member Since: April 3, 2010
Answers: 10
Last Update: April 7, 2010
Visitors: 2117
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Well recently my circle of friends have been splitting up bc of hidden resentment, one person has taken advantage on the rebound.
Now i have a few things i can say but its a bold action...most of my friends are passive and pessimistic...and thats usually the way I am.
I might make some people mad and I might be missing a few points, and most people are stubborn...but I made an oath to restore the groups former glory, that I would pull my hair over this until i go bald.
I want to fix a wrong and bring back this strong familial bond..
Im not sure if boldness is a better approach if people get upset but some advice in this general situation please? (link)
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Hi
So it’s easy for me to say this because I’m not in your situation AND I’m out of high school but if it were me I would just tell your group to grow up and that life is too short and too stressful to have to deal with this. School is stressful enough. It’s your group that is meant to be there to help you with the stress not add to it.
I don’t know if I would walk away if I was in your situation, in saying that I don’t know what their behaviour is. All groups go through their share of problems and usually it is because of immaturity..which is totally normal at your age!
You can’t keep the group together if you have all just grown apart. Maybe there is a few of you who could decide you want to remain friends but are just ‘over’ some others.
It’s ok for your friends to drift apart. I have experienced this with my group of friends in high school. I am now good friends with about four of them the other four while I still think of them as friends they are just completely different people to me and have different values.
You can stick together and then after high school see how it goes and you will eventually realise who your good friends are.
I personally would probably (if I had enough guts, but I think by that stage I would be so mad and over all the drama I would just blurt it out and then walk off and let them decide the next step for themselves) anyway I would say something like this..
Look guys, I love you all but this is getting really ridiculous, we don’t need all this drama. Some of you have done some pretty mean/bitchy stuff and I just want to know who is prepared to apologise and who is prepared to forgive. If none of you are then how is this group going to work? Do we really want this tension for the rest of our high school days? I for one don’t and I don’t want to keep this group together if the same stuff/shit is just going to happen again. We are friends we need to respect each other and make each other happy and if we can’t do that then what is the point in being a group, because that is not what friends are and we all deserve more.
You should say what you like but really life is short and you don’t want to look back on your high school days and regret the time wasted arguing over little things. And I know they don’t seem little to you or to anyone in your situation but when you leave high school and leave that life behind you will be faced with new challenges and those of your past seem so so minor and insignificant.
I don’t know if I have helped you but the main thing is that if someone is treating someone in their group the way you have briefly touched on then that is no friendship, maybe they just need a wake up call, they are probably all angry and confused and don’t know how to handle their emotions. But if it is something more and truly vindictive then that is no friendship and so you should think about what’s best for you and find some good friends who want cause you to pull your hair out.
Another option is to take them all to the guidance counsellor, that’s what they’re there for. Let them sit in a room (with an adult to control the situation) and express their feelings. That might of course work and solve the problem or cause a bigger rift if no one is willing compromise, and again is that the kind of person you want to be friends with?
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My life has hit rock bottom. I have no hope left for myself. This year has been one of the worst years I have faced in the 20 years of my life. My college grades are anything but good. My dog passed away last month. My boyfriend of 8 months who I love, is hurt because i lied to him that i was a virgin. He won't even talk to me properly. I have absolutely no friends who I can talk to about anything. I want to end my life. I just cant continue living in pain each day with no one around to take care of me or just hold me and say that "It's gonna be okay". I try to optimistic but I'm just too lonely. What do I do? (link)
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Hey,
so life is a like a book in that life is made of chapters. You can have a bad chapter (like what you are experiencing now) but it is important to realise that you will soon come to a good chapter.
I know when you are experiencing the bad stuff you can’t see how it could possibly get better, how you could possibly be happy, but trust me one day you wake up and realise you haven’t thought about death in awhile, that you are happy and you can see your future, whether it’s is as a mother or in a career or travelling around Europe when you are older.
First off you need to talk to your boyfriend. He needs to realise that you are human and made a mistake. Explain why you lied about it, how you feel. If things don’t get better consider moving on, you need to steer your life in a positive direction and him holding it over you is not fair on you or him.
I don’t know how he is feeling. Maybe he is embarrassed that he was a virgin and you were not (if you have had sex) or that when it comes to it that you will be more experienced than him. He has no right to your body and the fact that you have had sex before is nothing to be ashamed of and he does not have the right to make you feel ashamed.
It’s easy for me being on the outside to tell you to talk to your boyfriend but that’s what I think you should do. Tell him you’re sorry for lying. Why you lied to him. How you feel. Explain you are feeling like no one loves you and that you think your life isn’t worth holding on to. If he doesn’t forgive you or offer his support he isn’t worth holding on to.
Life is precious and when you are going through a bad patch it is so so important to realise you deserve to be happy. One day you will look back on this time and shake your head and wonder how you could ever of thought of ending your life, so full of promise.
Please realise suicide is the most selfish thing someone could ever do. Your boyfriend may be mad at you but it would destroy him if you were to kill yourself. Your poor family, I’m not sure what your family situation is like but I can assure you they do love you and for the rest of their lives they will have to live with the guilt of not being able to help you. It will shatter the rest of their lives.
Can I recommend you read some ‘chicken soup for the soul’ books. It really puts your life in perspective. They are stories about uplifting people or teenagers who write about experiences they have had. Loss of friends/family (from accidents, suicides). Stories about hope. Happy stories! Chicken soup for the teenage soul could be a good place to start (even though we are no longer teens at 20!). It is very eye opening reading stories from teens who had tried to commit suicide because they didn’t see a way out or future until one day something changes and they realise how blinded they had been by their own pain, to forget about hope.
Another thing is to look at what you are studying at college, are you passionate in it? I studied for two years, failing a lot until I finally realised I was doing something I had no motivation for. Now I am doing something I love and it is a lot easier to study. If this is not the case though then it is your current relationship with your boyfriend that is causing your hard time a college. Therefore it really needs to change in order to ensure the rest of your life stays on track.
If he doesn’t forgive you then he can’t honestly love you, lying about being a virgin is not that bad. If you cheated on him ok he has every right to be upset and not forgive you, but this seems so minor to cause such disruption in your life.
It also sounds like you need something in your life to relieve stress. Sport is a great way for meeting new people, having something you can escape to to sort out your thoughts. Social is a great idea. Use google to find your nearest club for say tennis, netball, soccer, cycling, I don’t know what ever you are interested in. There may be book clubs, movie clubs, photography clubs. Just go along and be open to new experiences.
Volunteer your time at not-for-profit organisations. Do you have a local YWCA? You need to get out and mix with new and different people, making new friends. There are so many organisations out there! Try googling for some in your area. It so easy to feel lonely but it is just as easy to do something about it, find the courage to want to help yourself and take a risk.
Are you religious? My sister has started going to church groups after feeling lonely, mixing with people her own age she has a great time.
There are lots of clubs and groups at colleges. Join a social college sport team or some other type of club.
You can also approach your tutor/lecturer for extra help if you need it. Approach someone in your class if they would like to start a study group, you can help each other. Perhaps lighten you course load. If you find it too stressful drop a paper and do what you can manage. Later on you can always increase you work load.
Remember this: there is ALWAYS a way out, ALWAYS something to live for. And I promise you you will live through this time in your life and come out stronger.
Please if you don’t feel you are improving go see someone. Colleges have excellent health services available. See a counsellor or psychologist. (lots of people do!..and that’s what they are paid for by the college). Talking about it makes it so much better. If you need help dealing with your boyfriend ask your mum perhaps, or a counsellor. There are so many people who will want to help you, let them, first by opening up.
I feel for you, you remind me of me a bit. I lose myself in books and watching anime. Do you have a love? a hobby? Everyone needs something to escape to.
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kill me now! iv had belumia 3 times already and it gotten really bad to the point it tore my family apart.every time i had it it was triggered off my stress or family issues, but this time everything is good im not stressed, im not overwieght and there are no family issues..i even have a seriouse bf now so i like everything in my life at the moment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND!! i started to get bad thoughts about food about a week and a half ago.. i told my bf about them and he said if it get worse we will get help. but the last few days have been bad... iv started throwing up again and feeling horrible when i eat food.
i havent had courage to bring myself to tell my bf. im so scared how can i get there thoughts out of my head???? i dont want to screw up all the good things i have going at the moment :( :( :( (link)
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Hi,
My best friend has had bulimia for around four years now, so I’m going to try and help you by touching on my experiences as a friend with someone who has an eating disorder.
To start with I have had a best friend who became severely anorexic, my twin sister has had depression due to eating issues (she was a gymnast) and my friend who is still battling with bulimia.
The most important thing is that you go see someone to talk through why this might be happening and they can then help you.
It took my sister at least a year of seeing someone for her to finally come right. She mentions how she use to be scared of food and never realised something was wrong until she started to get better. My parents are really supportive and fortunately could afford the NZ $150 visits to go see a top psychologist.
There will be free services available through government run organisations or eating disorder organisations. A school counsellor would be a good place to start. However their knowledge and skills about dealing with this type of thing I think would be pretty limited.
Do you go to school? Does your boyfriend go to the same school as you? When I was at school my friends and I approached our school counsellor about our friends eating problems. They were not going to go themselves because they believed nothing was wrong/did not want help/were embarrassed. You don’t seem to be at that stage yet which is why acting now is really important. If you can tell you friends (maybe one or two close friends) they will then feel the need to approach the counsellor to help you, meaning if you ever feel you don’t need to go, you’re getting better etc your friends will be there to ensure you do get the help you need.
Because bulimia is a disease that can stay with you for life I feel you should approach your parents and ask if they would support you to go see a top psychologist. It can cost around NZ$150 a visit. Or do you have a job and can support yourself? Perhaps offer to pay a bit of it.
I cannot express enough the importance of seeing someone. Weekly visits are important because you can talk about what is stressing you out and they will offer you ways in which you can deal with it. My sister would talk about her family, pressure to get better for us, school pressure, and other stuff).
Please understand that there is no ‘quick fix’. It takes time to understand where this issue came from, how you can deal with it when it arises, and how to handle it if things are not going to well at the moment.
Please do not let it go on longer before you get proper professional help, the longer you leave it the harder it gets.
The thing is you might have to face ‘screwing up’ the good things in your life before you can get better. Always remember your friends, family will always be there for you and be the ‘good thing in your life’.
It is so hard for a friend or family member to help someone with an eating disorder. Maybe you might lose friends over it..they can only go so far with you, but family will always be there for you.
I fell out with my friend who had anorexia. She would lie all the time and when she finally got better she was a different person to who I knew (obviously, she had missed out on her teenage years and so was going through the stuff I already had). Three years later we are now friends again as we have both matured.
As a result of my friends battle with anorexia it did unfortunately lead to her parents getting a divorce and issues with her sister.
My bulimic friends’ family is fine, want to know why? They don’t know how to handle it and so they choose to ignore it. They tell her she is being stupid and needs to get over it, they eat junk food in front of her, hot chips, that kind of thing. I can’t say I know how you feel but I can say one thing at least you family cares. I don’t know what your family situation is like at the moment but at least you know they care enough to argue over it, to feel pain and frustration over it. My friend is living in a house that offers her no support and as a result she has no motivation to get better.
I’m sorry if I am not helping you, this is a really close issue to me and I could talk about it for ages.
Another thing is that it is so easy to get into a routine and get comfortable. My friend won’t go out, she won’t let anyone see her. She has a routine and she can’t get out of it. She is at the stage where it is easier to continue with it and even though she doesn’t want to be bulimic she doesn’t have the determination to push herself a little bit out of her comfort zone. Please do not allow this to happen to you. With family support it shouldn’t.
FAMILY support is the most important thing (that is if you are living at home?) you need someone to support you whenever you are having these feelings.
Dinners should be meals that are healthy so that you don’t eat the food and feel bad and then continue eating more. I do not understand how it works but for my friend she decides if she is having a good day or a bad day. If her family is eating ‘junk foods’ then she will eat them too and that makes it a bad day and so for the rest of the day or night she will eat a lot of food. And then vomit it up.
I don’t know at what stage you are at with this disease but if there are certain foods that trigger your bulimia talk to your family/boyfriend, make sure that these foods are not in the house. Make sure dinners are not foods that you consider ‘bad’ or ‘fatty’. Could be anything from hot chips, pasta, rice.
For people without eating disorders pasta and rice are healthy foods and can be eaten but if for you you do not see them that way then you should try and avoid them. Eat salads, wraps, foods that are light and will not cause you to stress out when eating them. Obviously you need a variety of foods but if you are at the stage where eating certain foods make you want to vomit them up then avoid them. Later you can try a small amount of say rice/pasta, having your family there to serve it to you. Don’t have any left over. See what it is like to eat a small amount. Can you handle it? If not you are not ready, if you can then that’s great but don’t push yourself too fast too soon. Be prepared to fall back into old habits. Do not see it as a failure, it is all part of the journey to get better.
With anorexics it is easy to see something is wrong however with bulimics it is not, unless you know what to look for. It is important that your family understands that you are sick and even though it might not show it is just as serious as anorexia . Also as with my friends they had a bit of both. My friend was anorexic (not severely but she lost a lot of weight) before she became bulimic and my anorexic friend did throw up sometimes as well.
Another thing is how you see yourself. My friend is my size and sees herself as fat. I am not fat. It doesn’t matter what you say to her she believes she is fat. Bulimia is a mental disease and so it affects how the person sees themselves. I hope I am not scaring you I just want you to be aware of the seriousness of the disease and how bad it can get. You are not at this stage yet that is why it is so important you get help now while you want it.
The strength it takes to stand by your friend with an eating disorder is huge and I can tell you now your boyfriend will not find it easy. You should take your boyfriend with you to some counselling sessions so you are on the same page. Also having sessions with your family is vital.
I am sorry that this is so long, there is also so much more to say. If you would like to keep in touch let me know I am happy to give you my email address if you need someone to talk to or have any questions.
Before your family can support you they need to understand. Once you start lying to the people you love it just gets easier so don’t fall into that trap, talk to your boyfriend about what you are going through. He is your support person and you need to trust each other. Always remember your family loves you unconditionaly.
Whoa this is long...hope I didn’t lose you along the way.
Best of luck :)
PLEASE get help.
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