24/f, my boyfriend is 23/m.
Please don't think I'm ungrateful, it's just that I'm... not used to being treated well, or being appreciated.
I've been in two abusive relationships, one right after the other. My last ex liked to buy me things out of the blue, but somehow always held it against me (e.g. "I got you [blank] and you didn't [blank]! How could you be so ungrateful?"). The guy before him never gave me anything without getting or wanting something in return.
My current boyfriend is beyond wonderful. He somehow treats me like a princess and an equal; we don't play mind games with one another, and I really trust him, which is surprising, given my history. He loves to get me little things to make me smile. For instance, he picked up on me feeling kinda down one day, so he showed up after work with a stuffed animal, saying he thought I could use a fuzzy pick-me-up. I know, "why the heck would anyone complain about that?" But that's part of my confusion...
I feel so... strange about taking presents from him. He talks about all these things he wants to give me, and it's sweet, but it's not practical.
It also frustrates me a little, because while he's living with his parents, working part time, and able to spend his money however he likes, I'm living on my own; I have a cat to take care of, I'm working full time, have medical problems, and can barely pay my own bills. There's so much I want to do for him; so much I want to give him, but I can't. He understands perfectly, so far, but I guess I'm a little afraid he'll start holding it against me, or something.
I haven't mentioned any of this to him yet... I'm not really sure if I should, or how to do so.
What should I do about this? Should I even do/say anything? Or is it time for me to shut up and enjoy a healthy, happy relationship? Is this part of a healthy relationship? After my ridiculous past and boyfriends from hell, I'm not sure I know anymore.
Help a girl out? :)
Baby girl, I have been on both ends of the spectrum here. I've been with guys who have showered me with gifts, and most of which weren't even boyfriends at the time, and I've also been with guys who didn't give me squat unless it was a special occasion, or they thought it would make me happy because I'd been bitchy for a while. From what it sounds like, you've got a good man, and all he wants to do is make you feel as special as you make him feel for giving him an opportunity to be with you.
For girls like us, that's a concept insanely hard to grasp. We get so caught up in the idea of feeling like we have to repay him that we almost forget to show them that we appreciate them.
Your man has a job, and lives with his parents, which means he can do anything he wants with his cash, but he makes a constant effort to spend it on you. That has to count for something. Not only that, but it has to show you that you mean something to him. Since he's not really getting anything in return than you know that he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart...not because he expects anything in return.
The reason that you feel weird is because you have never been with anyone who has ever placed any value in you...therefore...you've placed no value in yourself. That makes it extremely hard to accept his gifts. The first thing you need to realize is that you deserved to be treated like the princess you are (and you are a princess). He understands that you can't always return the favor, and he's reasonable enough to know that you would if you could.
Girls like this (myself included) get to a point where they don't feel like they deserve to be treated as such. That gets dangerous because if you find yourself with someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you should be, you stick with it because you either don't feel like you deserve better, or you feel as though you can't get better, so you stick it out just for the sake of being with someone.
Once you realize that this man obviously cares a great deal for you, and once you realize that you deserve to be treated just as special as he is treating you, accepting his kindness will get easier and easier.
As for your financial situation, if he's as sentimental as you make him out to be, you can always make something for him. Just make sure its personal and from the heart. I've done everything from poems, to mix cd's of songs that remind me of him/us, to actual recording (I don't know if you sing or play anything...that's just one of my ways to make it personal). You don't have to spend a lot of money, and it is way more intimate than anything you could possibly buy from a store. Judging by the person you've made him out to be, it doesn't matter what you give him. He'll love it because it came from you.
So remember,
1. He only does it because you mean so much to him
2. He's reasonable. He knows you can't match his gifts, and he's ok with that.
3. When you can't buy it, make it. Cook a special dinner! They say the best way to a man's heart is through is stomach lol!
4. Screw your old boyfriends! They missed out!
You'll be fine. It's a rough transition, and painstakingly difficult to do, but you'll get there. You and your relationship will be all the better for it!
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(Rating: 5)
Wow, you hit home on a lot of things I didn't even realize were going through my head. Thank you times a million.
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