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JunieBazinet
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I'm just an average person. I love to help people out :) it makes me feel better about myself. I've been in a lot of situations so I can most likely relate to a lot of your problems. I know what it feels like to not have anyone to talk to about your problems, which is why i'm an advicenator. I'm ready to help people and be there for everyone who needs advice or just a companion to speak out to. I'm always here if you need me, don't hesitate to drop a question or even just a vent/rant note about a problem to my advice column inbox. I respond to all of them regardless of the topic. I'm upfront and abrupt about my answers and never sugarcoat. Take my advice or not, but i'm just doing my job :)Played volleyball for over 10 years, also a coach. I love to try new things. Currently I'm trying the new sport of tennis and learning about my passion of photography.
advice
Hey guys. I really need someone to talk to and I have no one. I don't even have one person. So, I hope that maybe someone out there will here my cry and give me the advice I need. I appreciate first of all that you are reading this. But, I really need practical advice. Not just someone telling me to talk to my mom or something like that. Because obviously, I wouldn't be at this point if I didn't "talk" to her. I have sat her down and talked to her about this. But, my mom doesn't listen. Not only does she not listen, but you never know what kind of mood she's in. She may say ok and the next day she goes and does it again.
First of all I'm 20/female. I live with my mom and my grandparents. My mom and I have good and bad days like any other family. Sometimes we fight. Other times we're friends. But, it's gotten to a point where I've lost all my energy and I think I'm starting to get sick over it. About two years ago, I suffered with anorexia and bullemia because of the stress. Now, I feel like I just get sick all the time because my immune system is suffering.
My mom has been a very "obsessive" person from the time I was very young. When, I got into my teens it became a problem. She was overprotective but not in the sense that she wouldn't let me do anything. She would let me go out, but back then when there was myspace, she would go into mine, read my messages, check my e-mails. She had all my passwords and if I changed them, she would throw a TANTRUM. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm talking about the tantrum of a small child. Like crying. So, I would have to give her the passwords. If I didn't, she would threaten never to speak to me again. She would sit beside me when I was on Instant Messenger and tell me what to tell people. I had absolutely NO secrets from her. Like, not even a secret a friend told me would be a secret from her. She would find out. It made me really upset but I thought it was a small price to pay since she would let me go out and stuff. There are some kids whose parents don't. So, I thought I was lucky in that sense. I knew I had freedom I only craved a TINY piece of privacy, like having my own private e-mail account. But, like I said. I thought it was a small price to pay.
So, fast-forward. When it was time to apply for college, she really wanted to me stay here. She didn't want me to leave. At this point, I was just starting to get over anorexia and bullemia and I felt like I needed her and like I needed my family nucleus. But, I may have been wrong. The day after graduation, I was contemplating just doing summer here where I live and transferring in the Fall to a university in the state but outside my city. The day after I graduated, my mom dropped a major bomb: I'm adopted. I don't think after I heard that news, I was ever the same again. She didn't sit me down and talk to me. She didn't take my hand and say that she decided to adopt a baby. This is how it happened. I was crying because I was really upset about the school situation. I was crying hysterically too because the night before I had a fight with her. I was mad for a variety of reasons. But, I went to a very small school. 75 people in my graduating class, all girls school. These were the richest people in my city. I wasn't rich, but I've always been content. However, everyone in my class drove to school senior year. I was the ONLY senior who didn't drive because my mom was too afraid to let me drive. I just wasn't where I wanted to be in life and I was so angry at her because of the night before. So, she woke up really upset and so did I. She pretty much told me while we were fighting that she wasn't my mother and that my dad wasn't my father and that his kids really were and those are the kids he lives with. Every time I think about being adopted, it's really hard to think of it as this loving, beautiful thing, which it is. But, because i found out that way, I associate it with fighting and people leaving and it's just something I'm not comfortable with.
The day of my orientation, I couldn't even sleep over at the dorms (which some students due at orientation so they don't have to drive back the next day), and I couldn't stay there. I went into this really big depression. They were talking about fraternities and sororities and all the clubs offered and I was nowhere near listening. My mind was elsewhere. The same day of orientation, my biological mother had e-mailed me back. That same day, I had a relapse and went back to my eating disorder until February of last year.
I can only imagine how much better I would have done in school, all the things I would have joined, all the friends I would have made, if I wouldn't have found out that way on that day. I know there's never a right time but there is a right way. And it's not shouting at someone and telling them in an argument. If she had held that secret in her for 18 years, in all types of circumstances, why now?? She claimed that the reason she spied on me all those years was so that someone would not tell me. She wanted to delete the myspace message before someone sent me a message saying that i was adopted. There were people in my school who knew because they knew people in my family. I swear I had no idea before that day. I look like my parents. I'm their daughter. But, I'm so upset because they don't understand what I'm going through and they don't want to understand.
All my mom does is fight with me. She makes a mess out of my room and has no respect for the fact that I just need my own little space to study. She really doesn't care. I have talked to her about it before, but she continues to throw things around my room, on my desk, etc. She doesn't log into my facebook account anymore, but she got her own. I made the mistake of telling her who the guy that I like is, and she looks at his facebook day and night. That's not about protecting me anymore. It's about being a nuisance. I'm TWENTY! I'm not trying to say I know everything about the world. I know I'm young. But, I think I'm past the stage where my mother has to spy on me to get information about me. If she wanted to know more about my life, she could start gaining my trust and i would tell her.
Even when I have friends or go out with new friends, she ALWAYS has something bad to say about them. It's more like she wants to be my only friend. I don't know what it is. But, talking hasn't helped and I've lost all sense of how to take care of this situation.
Help!
xoxo
hey. first of all, i'm so so SO sorry you had to go through with all of this :( i'm only 18 but i can't imagine what it must have been like to be in your shoes. Another thing, i'm always here if you need someone to talk to ok? always.
Considering you're 20... you're legally an adult.. why don't you just move out?? sorry if it comes off in a rude way, but seriously.. i'm graduating in 3 months and going to college this fall. i'm 2 years younger than you and i'm already a step ahead of you because i'm moving out and you're still stuck with your mom.
I know it may seem like a bad thing to just leave, but in all honesty, if i were in your situation, i'd just pack my stuff and leave. you're legally an adult, you can legally do that. even if your mom throws a fit over it, id just leave to get away from all that drama. of course i would still keep in contact with her just in case there's an emergency and she needed you.. but its YOUR life. YOURS. not hers.. you're the one who is going to be living it in the next few years. YOU make those decisions, not her. at this point, she can only give you her opinions and advice, but she cannot tell you what to do. yes she will be mad if you move out, but you know what? don't you just want to prove to her that she can't control you anymore??
seriously. stop "talking" to her about it. stop "fighting" about it and JUST DO IT. telling her your feelings is not getting you anywhere. she may listen or not listen, but there's no way she will officially understand how you feel unless you TAKE ACTION AND DO IT.
moving out sends the message to her that you're a mature adult and ready to take on YOUR OWN LIFE. if you just talk about it, she won't believe it. but if you actually go ahead and do it, she will finally realize that you're serious about it and understand it more clearly.
you're 20.. you shouldn't have to deal with this anymore.. i can't believe you're still stuck in this situation. if i were you, i would have left the moment i knew things were getting out of control and just prove to her that this is my life not hers.
there's nothing really else you can do either.. i mean you can't really "talk" to her about it because it wont solve anything. the only thing i can really think of as a solution is to just move out and live your own life. get a job and get your own apartment and live your own life. soon enough, your mother will realize that she needs to let go and let you grow up and be an adult. you ARE an adult. you don't need to go through with this anymore. you and your mother need to face the truth.. 20 years old means its time to move out and start your own life.
hey dont be afraid to inbox me if you have any more questions ok?? i'm ALWAYS here to listen and help if you need anything ok? :)
(Rating: 5) Thank u so much! I am taking ur advice and moving out in september, hopefully :) I didn't do it earlier bc of the expenses... And fear. But ur right. I am because this is my life and I know I'm going 2 be doing better in school too having my own space and coming into my own home. I need 2 function as an adult. Thank u for shaking me! I will message you :)