Member Since: March 7, 2010
Answers: 69
Last Update: April 17, 2010
Visitors: 4664
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20/F
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have two very close friends who have been dating for a while. We go to parties at their house fairly often. When I get drunk, I'm very open, and I have showed my boobs a few times (I know it's bad). The thing is, I do these things because I was raped, and in a weird way it makes me feel like I have control again. It's hard to understand unless you've been through the same thing.
Anyway, my boyfriend was cool with that, but lately my male friend has been asking to see them A LOT. Him and his girlfriend are in a very open relationship, so she doesn't care. Lately, though, he'll walk up without asking in the middle of a room full of people at the party and pull my shirt and bra down. He always pulls me on his lap and says that if I wasn't with my boyfriend, him and his girl would have been all over me and that if me and my boyfriend break up I better come to them first. I know this is all my fault because I laugh when I'm nervous and I have a problem saying no, but it's starting to bother both me and my boyfriend. The last time we were at a party, I was so drunk I could barely walk and I was walking to the couch and he grabbed me, pushed my head down, and acted like he was having sex with me. I would try to talk to him about this, but he's a big guy, very short tempered, and has a house full of guns and weapons. The last time a girl told him she wasn't okay with the way he acts, he got really upset, so I'm really afraid to say anything. The thing is, he knows I was raped, so I don't understand why he acts like this sometimes.
I know it's my fault, you don't have to tell me that, but is there any way I can ask him to stop without him getting mad? He takes everything to heart, and if I said I'm uncomfortable with it, it would be pretty bad. (link)
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a male perspective: i am answering because I am concerned at the amount and intensity of hatred against males in the advice you have been given.
You have described unacceptable behavior with respect to personal boundaries, no question. That is not, however, the point, nor the source of the problem, which is:
When people get drunk, they do stupid things!
You admitted to stupid behavior, you described stupid behavior by your friend, and i would bet that all four of you and others have done stupid things when you are all drunk. So instead of setting the stage for chaos to enter your life:
STOP GETTING DRUNK!
Get some counseling as others have suggested, for rape survivors, alcoholics, whatever you feel you need. If you do not stop this drinking pattern, it is very likely that you will end up in some sort of bad situation that will have permanent and far-reaching consequences. It is like playing with matches in a room filled with dynamite; eventually something is going to go boom! For your own sake, please put the matches away.
Good luck.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you. You're probably right. The only thing is, this guy does these things when we're both sober, too.
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