about

advice

17/F
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because I'm not Christian. We had been dating for about 3 months, but we have been good friends for the last 3-4 years. I worried religion might be a problem before we dated, but he promised me it wouldn't become a factor in our relationship and he respected my beliefs. The first 2 months of our relationship went very well; we were both really happy and loved being with each other. It was after that when things started to change. After going to church one Sunday he told me it bothered him i wasn't christian. Of course i was angry, because he promised me religion wouldn't become a problem. He wanted me to go to church with him, but i refused; I wasn't going to change myself or do something i didn't want to do for a boy. We came to the conclusion that he would have to think about it, but I wasn't going to change for him. I spent that next month worrying about how he was feeling and worrying about him breaking up with me, because he seemed different. But he promised me everything was fine and he had no intention of breaking up.
Finally it happened; initially we wanted to take a break, but it quickly turned into a break up. I was devastated...we were so great together except for the religion part. I felt so deceived and lied to. He told me that "God told him to break up with me". I began to wonder if that was just a copout for him, because maybe he just didn't like me anymore and needed a better excuse. After all, how can anyone argue with God? So now, I feel extremely depressed. I miss him so much...he became my best friend. We were so involved in each others lives. I keep holding out this hope that he will realize he made a mistake and want me back, because i still want to get back together. I only wish that he could find whatever it was that allowed him to be with me regardless of religion in those first 2 months. He recently told me he would get back together with me if i became christian, and that hurts even more because I just can't do that. He also said he still wants to be good friends...but how can I do that when I still have such strong feelings for him? I know i should forget him and move on the way he seems to have moved on, but I'm finding that really difficult. I still love him. What now?

What a terrible situation to be in. There's an expression that says you should never discuss religion and politics with your friends, but when someone feels so strongly about their religion it's hard to keep it out. He isn't going to change, although maybe his feelings about dating you will. I really hope you wont give in and convert just for him, because where's the sincerity in that? It's not like you're suddenly going to become a strong believer like him. So where does that leave the two of you? You seem to be stuck.

You should talk to him and bring up my point about sincerity. I feel that you should never choose a religion because of peer pressure or fear of eternal punishment. You should choose a religion because you truly believe in it, and that's not something you can switch on and off for a guy. Is he really going to force a non-believer into church on threat of breaking up with her, then expect her to truly believe that religion?

I feel like following a religion without even believing it is a form of sacrilege. It's like you're trying to lie to God. I'm personally unsure of my religion, but there's a possibility that Christianity is real so I'm not going to go in and lie to God to save myself from a hell I only partly believe in. In the church I grew up in, they preached about "accepting Jesus into your heart". If you don't truly believe, there's no way you can Jesus like that. I wish your boyfriend would understand that.

Definitely talk to him about that. I'm not sure if it will do anything, but he needs to hear it. In the end, there's no way this relationship is going to work if one person tries to force the other person to change. Even if you give in, you wont be happy about it, and obviously there's no potential to get back together unless you do.

Personally, I've never thought this kind of forcing beliefs on your loved ones was very Christian. When the choice is,"Either be a Christian or I wont love you," how are you going to have a healthy relationship with either your boyfriend or God? People should never be forced into a religion because there's no way they're going to truly believe it when they're forced. People can try to force themselves to believe, but they'll definitely have doubts, and when they do they will certainly feel guilty for it. It's not fair and it's not a good way to spread one's religion.

Other than telling him these things, there's really nothing you can do unless he reconsiders his belief that a Christian shouldn't date a non-believer. I've known and heard of plenty cases where it worked, even between Christians and atheists. Heck, my best friend is Christian, her boyfriend is atheist, and they've been together for two years and plan to get married! But if he's decided that this is the absolute truth then no success stories are going to change his mind. And if he wanted you to change something so profound as your religion on his behalf, he will probably want you to change other things as well. Like, "Oh, that music is un-Christian, you shouldn't listen to it," or "A Christian woman wouldn't wear those clothes," and so on. That's not how a relationship works; it's take it or leave it, you don't get to keep the good parts and throw the bad parts in the garbage.

I know this is painful for you and you want it to work out somehow, but you need to move on. If you have close female friends, they can be very effective distractions right now as you struggle to forget him. Have sleepovers and pillow fights, go to movies together, whatever you can do as a group that takes your mind off of him. The love and the hurt will still be there, but they will lessen over time. Eventually, you can start looking for a new relationship with someone who loves you just as you are, rather than needing you to change in order to accept you. In the meantime, I hope you can distract yourself from the pain. Good luck.

[view]

(Rating: 5) Thank you for taking the time to read my question and answer. It has helped me think a little differently about things.
<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker