About Darby
My name is Darby. I'm seventeen years old. Feel free to e-mail or message me with any question. My e-mail is yo.darbyjay@live.com I will answer anything to the best of my ability. I decided to join this site because I love giving advice and have been told that I'm good at it. I get on every day. Usually a few times. You can also add me on AIM: OiScumPunk@aim.com.
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E-mail: yo.darbyjay@live.com
Gender: Female
Age: 17
MSN: yo.darbyjay@live.com
Member Since: April 26, 2009
Answers: 614
Last Update: December 23, 2009
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okay so we broke up like a little over a month ago and i've been talking to his sister and she says that he has no social life since we broke up, and he's been being mean to his friends and stuff and he was doing better with me (he had a social life with my friends-guys&girls too but now they kinda don't like him cuz he dumped me). the last month while we were dating he would lie to me and tell me "his mom wouldn't let him go out" or "he had homework" and he never used to do this for like the first 6 months we were together. she says hes lazy but he still likes me. i guess what i'm saying is that i miss who he used to be...we were planning on hanging out when school is over, so my question is, do you think i can get him back the way he used to be during the first 6 months? how? things were perfect last summer and i want them to be this summer too. and please don't tell me to just move on, if worst comes to worst i know that i can. i just want to give this a shot because i do miss who he was. thanks so much. 17/f hes 17.
It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with a bout of depression. Whether or not it's a clinical, diagnosable depression is another thing. The only thing that really matters is how your ex is feeling. Even when he was with you, he wasn't wanting to hang out. Whether this change came gradually or suddenly doesn't really matter. What matters is that he no longer had an interest in doing the things he loved to do before.
When people get depressed their family and friends would probably often classify them as 'lazy'. That's because a lot of people with depression are feeling hopeless. They don't see any point in socializing, meeting people, or going anywhere with people they did hang out with at one time.
Did you have get a clear answer from your ex as to why he was breaking up with you and why he started making up lies in order to not hang out with you? Because he did this, but still wanted to hang out at the end of the school, it makes me think that he does miss you too.
There, of course, is no 100% guaranteed way to make him be like he was the first six months you were dating. But since you're wanting to try to rekindle things, start with first things first.
If you don't know already, find out why he didn't want to hang out any more and why he broke up with you. Even if you do already know, revisit that idea while talking to him. If he says that his feelings just fizzled out, ask him if he thinks that would happen again. Ask him what he thinks made that happen.
If it was something else, of course just ask similar questions accordingly. Don't take answers like "I dunno". If he wants to get you back, he's going to have to at least communicate how he is feeling now and how he was feeling then. If he doesn't do that, as much as you don't want to hear it, you're only setting yourself up for more heartache.
If you don't talk to him on the phone now, start doing so. Let him know what's been on your mind and let him talk so you'll know what's on his mind as well.
Take things slow. Don't just jump into a full-blown committed relationship. Start hanging out just as friends. Go see a movie. Go to dinner. Go to the skating rink/bowling alley/park. Go wherever it is that teens in your town hang out. This will be good because you'll get him out of the house. He doesn't seem to be getting out much at all nowadays. He's probably not going to want to go out somewhere where he'll see a bunch of people from school at first. So a movie or dinner would be a good place to start.
Once you guys have gone on a couple dates, see where you're at. See how your feelings are. Are you still wanting to date? Are you wanting to push the friendship further? If so, make a date to hang out at one of your houses. You'll get some privacy where you'll be able to talk face-to-face about moving your relationship along to the dating level.
In the end, you're only an individual. As much as you miss who he was, you can't make him be that again. If he is struggling with a depression, be a shoulder of support for him to lean on. He should also go to a therapist or doctor and get evaluated if he does believe that depression might be playing an active role in how he's feeling.
If he doesn't co-operate with you or you see that he's not wanting to change, you'll have to move forward. You don't really need to think about that thoroughly right now, since you're in the beginning stages. But keep in mind that you need to not let him treat you however he wants. He's not going to be able to be 'lazy' and be in a committed relationship. Relationships take time and effort. If he's not willing to put forth that time and effort, he's best forgotten. Just keep that in your mind as you make the advances towards rekindling your relationship.
In the meantime, just have fun with it. Like I said, don't move too quickly. It's hard to not get your emotions involved since you've already dated before, but try to push them off at least for the first couple dates. Don't let them play a huge role at the very beginning. If he decides that he doesn't want to put for the effort and try to start a new relationship, you'll be left heartbroken right at the beginning of summer. Just play in smooth and have a good time.
Good luck!
Darby(:
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