Ok, this is a little odd to be posting, but I would like opinions and don't really have people I trust to ask without it causing extreme weirdness. Just a warning: it may get long and rambling. I have a lot of thoughts regarding this, and they get jumbled up.
I've been married 10 years (I'm 30/female). At the start of our relationship, he was very open about sex. We enjoyed playing with other people (spanking, teasing, toys, but not intercourse), but that changed over time. It seemed gradual at first. We didn't involve others, but we still had our games. Now, that has pretty much disappeared (unless you count a swat here and there). I miss it. I miss the involvement with others, the sexual sociability. I've met a couple people who swing, and I would really enjoy that. My husband and I love each other very much and have a lot of trust for each other. The adventure and fun just have gone away.
I try to talk to him about it, but it always feels weird, like it may be uncomfortable for him. But it could just be me feeling weird bringing it up after all this time. How can I talk to him about it and rekindle his interest? There is a local swing club I would like to go to so we can mingle with other couples and see how the lifestyle works for them, see if it is really right for us. If I could get him to go with me, that would be great. But he just isn't a club kind of person, swing or otherwise.
I am also afraid that he will think I want this because he isn't enough. That isn't it. I'm just an outgoing woman who enjoys variety, and I want to share it with him.
Sometimes, it occurs to me that I may never convince him to even consider it. Really, if he considers it, we check it out, and he doesn't feel comfortable, that is fine with me. I'd just like him to know that it is something I want to explore, and to know he'd consider it for me. When I think that he won't even do that, I start thinking about seeking out experiences on my own. I don't want to sneak around. His involvement is important. I just don't know how to tell him without it being weird.
And it isn't that I need more sex. It is about experiences. I think he would benefit as well. And I love the thought of him with another woman with my consent. I don't know why. I just do.
So, how can I tell him that I want this? What can I do to encourage him to just go with me to this club one time and see how it works for other people?
It would seem I could just say all I put here, but I can't. I can't seem to figure out the right timing or words to let him know how I really feel about it. I feel like I haven't even expressed it right here and I come across as a needy slut or something. That really isn't it. It is just a part of our life that I miss, want back, and want to expand on.
How would you go about this?
Honestly, I don't think you sound like a needy slut at all. I think exactly what you put here, minus the part about wanting to seek experiences on your own if he doesn't want to with you, is perfect to tell him.
You've covered absolutely everything in your question. You've covered why you want to do it, where this want is coming from, and you've even said that you're okay with not doing it as long as he goes to the club ONE time with you to check it out.
Every question I was going to ask was answered as I read on. I think you should tell your husband that you loved that part of your sex life when you first were together. Tell him that you miss that. Make sure you tell him that it is NOT because he's not enough for you. Explain it exactly as you did here.
Tell him that you just want him to go to this swing club with him one time. Tell him that you understand that he doesn't like clubs, but this is just something you want him to do for you one time. Let him know that if he goes there and does not enjoy it, you won't ask to bring him back.
I think it's great that you're ready and willing to be understanding and compromise with him on this. It's good that you understand that not everyone has the same sexual taste as you, and that you don't want to force that on your husband.
Just make sure that if he doesn't want to do it, you don't go find these adventures on your own. If he's not willing to do the full swing thing, ask him if he would be willing to do what you did at the beginning of your relationship. Not full intercourse with others, but the spanking, teasing, toys, etc..
Now you just have to find out when to tell him this. That will be your hardest part. I can tell you've put some thought into this, so when you really fully tell him what you want, it's going to be difficult to get out. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and calm. Perhaps the next time you're in bed, before you have sex, you could bring it up. Say, "We should do what we used to do..." and just elaborate from there. Or after you have sex, when you're laying together and cuddling say, "Wow. That was great. You know what else would be fun? ..." and go about it that way.
Either way, you need to tell him fully how you feel and what you've got in mind. You don't want to let yourself get to the point where you would rather cheat than just talk to him about it. I know you've mentioned it, but you really need to sit him down and tell him what's up. You never know, he might be willing to do this for you. If he was willing to fool around with others, it shows that his mind is open enough to at least approach him about this.
Good luck!
Darby(:
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(Rating: 5)
Thank you. The other answer to my question gave a lot of insight on what I can do after talking to him, which is great, but you really answered my main question. Thank you for your input, it really does help, especially the supportive attitude. It helps ease my nerves a bit.
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