I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He is 41 and I am 24; we have overcome a lot of obstacles and personality conflicts, but most of all was his alcoholism. His drinking has been a problem in the past; he used to humiliate me in front of his kids and call me names and kick me out of 'his' house; but the last couple of years it has mellowed out to just an annoyance. He no longer triesd to kick me out of the house; and he doesnt talk shit about me to his kids nearly as much when hesdrunk - but, i confess, it still does happen occassionaly. Despite all of that, I am still here, in a house with BOTH of our names on the lease; and we are now engaged and we would have celebrated our 5th anniversary together 2 days ago. Trouble is, he never came home on our anniversary. He knew I had plans for us to go out to dinner and that I was home waiting for him with a gift. After worrying all evening, night, and the next morning; I finally got a hold of him. His excuse was that he got drunk, swore to me there was NO other woman around, and that he crashed at his daughters house. The next day he went away for the weekend on a job 300 miles away. He apologized profusly over the phone and told me he feels horrible for putting me through that heartache and that I deserve so much better than him; but that he wants to make it up to me. He promised to talk to me the next day in more detail; but failed to call me. When I finally got a hold of him, he was telling me he is 'done' and I need to move on because he will never change. After a couple minutes of hearing this, he switched to saying he wanted to talk to me when he got home about it and that he did love me; and that he would call me later that night before he went to bed. Now he is out with his work buddies at a bar (he left his cell phone with his son who told me) after telling me he would call before bed. It is 1AM and he still hasnt called. His actions and his words arent matching and I am so confused. I love this man with all my heart,I have made him my whole world, but I dont think I deserve all these lies and deceptions. Especially since everything seemed normal up until our anniversary. I dont know if I have the strength to leave him; but I dont think I can accept this behavior any longer. I haven't even had time to react properly. Ive just been crying wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to get things back to normal. I think after 5 years, this relationship is worth saving; but why would he get so destructive and then constantly start lying to me and breaking my heart? I really dont think he was cheating, I believe he would just tell me he was so the breakup would me easier. But I cant be positive. But I jsut dont understand or even know what to do! I dont want to become the psycho girlfriend who keeps calling every 5 minutes; but waiting for him to come home to finally discuss this is killing me, and I feel like Im going crazy in the meantime. Does anyone have ANY advice on how to handle a self-destructive man??? What can I do to make everything go back to normal?? How do I find the strength to move on and start a whole new life after 5 years?
At this point, with your age differences, you should be at completely different points in your lives. You should be getting out of school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, or whatever else you may want to do. You're still very young.
Your boyfriend should already have a steady job and be calming down. He already has kids that sound as though they're adults or almost adults.
A 17 year age difference is hard to overcome. I realize that you have been with this guy for five years, so it makes it extremely difficult. When you're in a relationship with someone for that long, you do make their life a part of yours.
I am going to be honest here and tell you that it is time for you to move on. This relationship is not healthy at all. It is not fair for you to have to keep checking up on him while he goes out drinking with friends.
You're the 24 year old. He's the 41 year old. He should be way way way more mature than that at this point.
He is an alcoholic. Nothing is going to change if he doesn't get help. The only change in your relationship will be the downward spiral that it has been from the start.
He humiliated you in front of his kids and threatened to kick you out of the house at the beginning of your relationship. How is this sudden in any way? He's never been nice. He's not suddenly being mean. He's been mean from the start, even if he did mellow out for a while.
At your age, you should not be tied down in a relationship with someone like that. You need to leave this man as soon as you can. It's not going to be easy, but he is not your responsibility. You should be with someone that is starting their life as an independent adult, like you. Not someone that is in their middle age and an alcoholic and a liar and a mental abuser and a complete jerk.
He's only going to hold you down, and you will regret staying with him until the day you die if you don't get out while you can.
This relationship is not going to get better on its own. It will only get worse and worse and worse.
This is your decision to make, but I think you know what the right choice is.
-Darby.
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(Rating: 5)
Thank you so much for the advice. It helps hearing other peoples' inputs, and you put a lot in persepective for me
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