about

advice

This is gonna be long...I'm just looking for opinions here, this is obviously something I need to figure out for myself. But, I need some outsiders to look at this situation for me. I'm too stuck in the middle to step out. I'm 21, and a girl.
Guy #1 - Jeremy. He's 23.
Jeremy and I have almost three and a half years of history together. Unfortunately the history isn't all positive. He was emotionally abusive for the entirety of our "official" relationship, and caused me some major issues (depression, anorexia). We dated for awhile in '05-'06, but broke up because he was having depression issues and couldn't handle our relationship on top of all that...but we never really broke up. We stayed friends with benefits for two years after that. We both felt that we had no time for a real relationship, and it wasn't really one until recently. At some point I realized he wasn't treating me well enough, so I wrote him a goodbye letter and told him I never wanted to see him again. He gave me back my key, and left. A week later, he called me and begged me for another chance at friendship, and after much hesitating, I agreed. He was like a completely different person. It seemed that he'd had some sort of epiphany while I was gone, and changed for the better. He started complimenting me, being really sweet, and just...yeah.
That would've been fine, except that Jeremy's family hates me. They threatened to cut him off financially if they ever saw me again at one point. He's had some major issues, including ankle surgery, a...sexual problem (blocked vein, or something), and because he's been couch-ridden and all that, we haven't been physically very close lately, and I've been hanging out with other people. The thing is, recently, Jeremy has become the sweetest man I've ever met. The other night, he came over and brought my favorite wine with two pounds of strawberries. We melted dark chocolate chips I had and dipped strawberries in chocolate all night, and cuddled. It was, like, perfect. He's doing and saying all these things now I used to dream about him doing, including playing with my hair like he never used to.
Guy #2 - Erik. He's 27.
I work as a barista in a coffee shop. Erik's one of the regulars. We started really hanging out one night after I'd come home from Jeremy's house and gone straight to the coffee shop, upset after having been kicked out by his parents. Erik asked why I looked so upset, so I bitched to him At some point, I said, jokingly, "I need a drink." He said, "well I can't help you with Jeremy's parents, but I can definitely help you with that." So that weekend we went to the bar and he bought me a drink. We talked, and connected, and he surprised me a lot. My first impression of him was quite wrong, as he came off as kind of a computer geek and nothing else...but he's really intelligent, strong, cute, likes to have fun, likes to laugh...He's also an amazing kisser. When I was little, I used to write little romance-type-stories, and the guys always used to tangle their fingers in the girl's hair when they kissed, and Erik does that exactly the way I envisioned it. He's like, freakishly perfect for me, aside from being a little out of shape...but guys I date always wind up at the gym with me anyway. Only problem I seem to be having is that he's shaping up to be quite possessive. Erik has been in California for a week. I hung out with Jeremy once while he was gone, AT my coffeeshop. Erik's friends called him and told him I was hanging out with Jeremy. When I called him later, I had nothing to hide, and I was about to tell him. But he was being so cold, I finally asked what his deal was, and then he said "I was informed that you were hanging out with Jeremy." I feel like his friends are stalking me, and it's a little creepy. Then again, I've never dated a guy who didn't become possessive and jealous if they didn't start out that way. Yes, I've already discussed this with him, but it's still a factor...it's drama I don't want or need. I'm in my last semester of my undergrad, and the last thing I need is to be distracted from my schooling.
Anyway, Erik's family appears to like me. Erik and I think alike. We're both Scorpios (not that I put much stock in that...Jeremy's Cancer.)...Erik has a job, has his life together, and doesn't mind whipping out the credit card every so often. He lives with his parents, but he's looking for his own place.
Jeremy has no income, still lives with his family...but even with all the crap going on in his life, he's taken me out to lunch, brought me strawberries, brought me chocolates...he's trying really hard to do everything he can for me...but I can't help wondering if he's not doing it because he thought he was losing me, and he'll just snap back to taking me for granted as soon as I commit.
Both guys know about each other. This is all out in the open. I took my time telling Jeremy about Erik, but when I finally did, after agreeing to not contact each other for a week, he said, "I'll be damned if I let Erik prance in with his contact lenses and web design and take you from me." Which, I hate to admit, is kind of romantic, in a way...Jeremy is a guy who doesn't apologize, doesn't chase girls, and doesn't beg, but he's done all of that recently for me.
The idea that the bad-boy is trying to be a good-guy to keep me close to him, is willing to overcome his commitment phobia and commit to me, has even threatened to leave his parents' house and never speak to them again if they didn't back off about me, and has basically turned into prince charming, is pretty enticing.
But I also feel that I can't ignore the fact that I have a thing for Erik...can I? I mean if my relationship with Jeremy were what it was supposed to be, that wouldn't have happened, would it? I'd like to just kind of see them both and figure out who I really want, but they both gave me the "me or him" ultimatum, so I have to make a decision quickly.
I admit, I'm a little afraid that going back to Jeremy will turn into what it was before. I'm afraid to lose him, and I almost feel that if we did get back together, it would be for good. I've had dreams about marrying him...
I'm also a little afraid that Erik will turn out to be some horrible jealous, possessive man, and that I'll be in a worse hell than I was before.
At least Jeremy can back off. He's willing to give me a week apart, knowing full well that I could be hanging out with Erik, and trusting that I'll make the right decision...but our history has been bad - he hasn't treated me right in the past, I've tried to kick him out, his family gives me headaches, and I just...argh.
I don't know who to pick, which way to turn, or how to go about picking.
Help me...

Hey,
That does sound like a very hard decision. Both guys are equally caring and almost equally heartbreaking. It sounds that Jeremy is a way nicer guy and in the long run you could possibly get by how his family treats you and just be happy with him. You could both have a job to support yourselves, move sort of away from his family, and live together. Jeremy already treats you with respect, does cute things for you, is understanding, and does it all from the heart.
Eric seems way more controlling and defensive than Jeremy. Sure he is nice,and sweet at times, but if he has to send his friends to check on you to see if you arent with another guy when you havn't even confirmed you two were dating, it already seems possessive. Believe me, you do not want to end up in an abusive realationship, like you said. If I were you I would try to stay away from Eric because the closer you get to him the more possessive he may get.
Jeremy sounds like he can change, has changed, and will stay a changed in a good way for you.
Are you to choose a guy who has everything you ever wanted and more, but with a family that troubles you?
Or are you to chose someone who has everything and more, but has a history of 'stalking' you, and becoming jealous easily?
Its all up to you.
Good luck :)

[view]

(Rating: 5) good point........
<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker