I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
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I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
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My mom is in her early 80‘s, I am in my early 50‘s. I have no idea how to handle her any more.
Ok this is going to sound weird but here goes. Here is the background: I go to the 99 cent store and I have purchased beautiful sweaters, blouses, pants, blazers. All top quality - Liz Claiborne , Ralph Lauren, New York & Co, to name a few, plus unknowns but in top quality. I don't buy the crap. The cashiers and customers all tell me I get the great quality stuff. My friends and relatives ask me if I purchased them at Lord & Taylor's or other expensive stores. I have tons of clothes from the 99 cent store. Also one of the blouses I purchased back in June was a pink paisley and when I showed it to my mom she held it up and said in a nasty matter-of-fact way "Oh this is not new" However, when we went to visit my Aunt (one of her remaining sisters) in Vermont I wore the blouse going up on the bus and when my aunt saw it she said to me "I love your blouse, I wish you could have gotten me the blouse you are wearing" And this was after my mom gave her vest from Kohl’s and I gave her necklace as a present.
Also at another time: I was getting ready for an interview. I put on a teal button down blazer. My mom started to criticize my blazer saying it was too big in the shoulders, but I could not see where it was big. Then I wore it for one of our religious holiday when my sister, brother-in-law, my two nephews and Anita and her husband came over to celebrate (have dinner) with my mom and me and Anita commented on how much she loved the blazer. However, before any one arrived my mom said “You look really nice”
Today I was at the computer on the Internet going thru my email. I didn't pay attention as to how this came about but somehow my mom and I were talking about a brand new winter coat I purchased at Lord & Taylor's. Actually she purchased it as a birthday present. As my mom left my room I called out to her and said “Where is it written that name brands are better than non-name brands, she then came back into my room and said “Listen you are a snob” I asked her how and she said “Well you only wanted the coat from Lord & Taylor’s, how come you did not like the one from Kohl’s” I started to tell her but she cut me off telling me why.
And then she left to go into the kitchen. About five minutes later I was still annoyed so I went in to the kitchen and said “But the clothes I buy at the 99 cent store are of good quality” She said “We are not talking about used clothes we are talking about new vs. new” This got me angry and I told her that the clothes I buy from the 99 cent store do not look used” My mom said “But the clothes you buy there are not new, lets say you purchased a Ralph Lauren at the 99 cent store it is not new but it was new at one time and it would be more expensive at a department store” I said to her the red sweater I am wearing does not look used she retorted back “Yes it does, it is a little pilled” I told her it is lint that just has to be brushed off but of course she disagreed. And yes it was lint. I bushed the lint off in my room.
Then we had some fight, we both said really nasty things to one another. One of the nasty things she said to me “Well the other day you wore a sweater that is for a little girl, it was made for a little girl”
I told her that I get compliments on my wardrobe. I don’t know what to do. She is constantly putting down things I like, but then in the next breath “Oh I think you dress nicely”
Then today when we went to the movies (and at dinner) I said to her right after we purchased our tickets “you really did not mean what you said about the red sweater and the other sweater, you just said it because you were mad” Then in one of those tones that implies I didn’t mean it but I said to annoy you tone “Yes I meant it” Also this is what she added at the restaurant “As long as you ask me that is my answer”
I don’t want to fight with her but she makes me say things to her So what do you make of what she said? Do you think she just said those things about my sweaters to annoy me.
Also should I write her a detailed letter explaining how I feel, and in the letter include the dialogue we have had and then rewrite the dialogue the way it should have been to get my point across to her
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You have several problems here, the number one being that you two have built a confrontational relationship. For whatever reason, you both feel you have to confront each other, instead of conversing with each other. If you were not related, you would not even talk to each other if you could avoid it. Odds are, you have been doing this since you were a teenager and neither one of you are adult enough to stop doing it. At 80+, she should really know better, but I know that there are many who are older that don't, but I can't fault her too much, you are no different at 50+.
The other reasons aside, why do you continue with such drivel? You are not your mother, she has her tastes, you have yours. I am nothing like my parents and I don't value what they did. Some people buy brand new cars and others buy them two years later. The first buyer eats up all the depreciation, the second gets it for what it worth. We need the people who only buy new, otherwise we can't scoop up the bargains that they get rid of after using them a few times.
I have learned that you should never give some people the details of the things you buy, because some people can't help being critical. Remember, complaining about someone is just another way of saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm better then they are." I'm not sure why I should have to be telling you this, surely you have seen this in your mother in 50 years of dealing with her.
I do have to wonder when the answer is so simple on this one, why you keep coming back for more. Why when she changes her opinion on your clothes from minute to minute, do you continue to bait her? Does her approval still matter that much to you? She must have a serious hold over you that you try to live your life with her as the puppet master.
I'm going to tell you how you can fix this, STOP TALKING ABOUT CLOTHES WITH YOUR MOTHER. Don't bring it up, if she does, just say this old thing and walk away. Anything else that puts you at odds with her, stop talking about it. You don't want these things to be what you remember about your mother, so talk about things you can talk about, not compete in.
Be well dear lady and just consign yourself that you and your mother are just not going to agree on some things. You are not going to change an 80 year olds mind.
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Rating: 5
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wonderful, wonderful (A trillion wonderfuls) advice. You rally helped thanks. I am going to copy and past and print out this answer and carry it with me wherever I go thanks again
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