I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
I am not here for the ratings and could careless what you rate me. I will tell you things I know, I will tell you what you don't want to hear, but most of all, I will tell you things from my perspective. I have experienced a lot in my life, I have not lived with my head in the sand and I'm a realist, you want someone to blow smoke up your as*, don't read my writings, (I don't do fairy tales).
I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
Answers: 285
Last Update: March 27, 2013
Visitors: 27017
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There's this guy who was my first boyfriend. We dated for a year and a half in middle school. It was very much a middle school relationship. In the fall of last year, he contacted me again for the first time since middle school. In eighth grade he moved, and I moved in 9th grade, so we haven't spoken to each other in about six years. He lives a state away from me, about 6 hours away. Anyway, last fall he wanted to come visit me, and I agreed since it might be nice to rekindle an old friendship. Anyway, a day after arriving, he wanted to date me. I of course refused. The problem with him is that he has never been single since middle school. He's also only dated three women, with me being the first. So basically, he dated me through out Middle school, then another girl through high school, and a third girl afterward. He can't stand being single, and he even told me that his girl friend (whoever that is) is his best friend and that he spends all his time with her and they do everything together. His life is even more messed up than mine is, which doesn't bother me, but it has led to him being pretty directionless. Though I consider myself pretty directionless, he's more directionless than I am and has given up on more things. He's tried being a computer web designer, a police officer, a marine (which didn't work out because it turns out he's partly deaf and colorblind), an arcade mechanic, and now works at Walmart. He hasn't even turned 21 yet. He has a very idealistic view of relationships and wants to find his one true love and believes that we may be fated to be together for an eternity, since I was his first girlfriend. His mom is a drug addict, and he was abused by a lot of his mom's lovers in the past, so I think he really just wants someone to give him the type of love he didn't have in his youth. He also wants a long term relationship, because he doesn't want to be like his mom and go through 4 divorces with abusive men. So basically, I think he only wants to date me because he doesn't want to be single. I do feel very attracted to him sexually, but two people dating each other because one wants a girlfriend and the other wants sex (I'm not sexually active, but I am sexually frustrated) is a stupid reason to start a relationship. I know him pretty well, and I like him as a person, but I don't love him, at least not in the way described in pop music or romance novels. He wants a long term relationship, and I sort of just want a short term fling, and I don't know if this relationship could last for the long term, since we're at very different places in our lives. I will graduate college in a year, and he's just working at Walmart. I don't look down on him for doing it, it's just that my future will probably involve me moving somewhere after I graduate, and I have more goals than him, and I don't see him following me to where ever I go. He says he likes long distance relationships, but I'm terrible when it comes to them. He contacted me again recently, and wants to visit me again. I know he also wants to visit me as a way to escape from his problems at home. I am tempted to let him visit me, but am unsure about pursuing a relationship. The thing is, that I have liked guys and I have lusted after guys, but I have never lusted after a guy that I liked, and I don't think I have ever been in love before, not the way other girls on here talk about it anyway. Am I just being too picky in my relationships? A lot of guys have wanted to date me, but I keep saying no because I either like them but am not attracted to them, or I'm attracted to them, but don't feel we have anything in common. Why can't I just find a guy that I like, love, and lust after at the same time? Is there something wrong with me? Should I just give my ex-boyfriend a chance and hope love develops somehow, or is love supposed to be instant? What does romantic love even feel like and why do I seem incapable of feeling it? I used to think I was asexual, but I don't think I am because I have a very high sex drive, so I don't know whats wrong. I do want a relationship with someone though... (link)
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You are absolutely incredible and I mean that. Control is a very important thing in life if you want to grow and I am proud of you. You are still trying to find yourself and understand what it is you are thinking and feeling, it is obviously not time for you to drag another person into your life to complicate it.
Think about this for a time, see if it makes sense to you. Love is most often given first, look at the bible, it is taught to love thy neighbor and to love they enemy, do you think that love is meant to be the complicated emotion here, or is it like that is the most complicated? I would put it to you that you already love this person and have for many years, but your degree of liking him is not very high. Yes, physical attraction comes into play, actually, it is rather important when your young, but being able to fall in like with the person your going to spend your life with is the most important thing.
The degree that you like a person is what will get you through the hard times. It is what will get you through the tragedies, being fired, losing your parents and oh so many things that I guaranty are going to happen to you. (Never stop being picky.)
Remember what you are, a Human Being, the marring of the Human animal and the Spiritual being. The human animal has all these urges that you speak of and it is real easy to give into them. The spiritual being is there to learn to control the animal. Feel the feelings, understand the feelings and learn how to use them at the proper time. Every one wants the animal in bed at times, but we want that animal to mean something, not just a memory we hold dear from a ship that passed in the night.
Being all you can be does not just apply to the armed services, being everything you can be applies to your mate, to yourself and to your spirit. Find yourself, then find a guy that will be everything to you, than be everything to him. I will guaranty that you will be happy with him till the end.
Much love my sweet, good luck on your journey, don't hesitate to write again.
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Rating: 5
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Thanks. It's hard to wait, especially when my friends are in relationships, and two of them got married recently, and I'm still in the look for someone I like enough to date stage. My mom gave me similar advice. I will tell him not to visit me.
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