I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
I am not here for the ratings and could careless what you rate me. I will tell you things I know, I will tell you what you don't want to hear, but most of all, I will tell you things from my perspective. I have experienced a lot in my life, I have not lived with my head in the sand and I'm a realist, you want someone to blow smoke up your as*, don't read my writings, (I don't do fairy tales).
I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
Answers: 285
Last Update: March 27, 2013
Visitors: 26959
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I will be a senior at a private 4-yr school and will graduate with a BA in astronomy-physics and possibly a math minor. My problem is that I feel burned out and don't like academics anymore. I was going to go to Grad. school but now I don't know if it would be best for me. I'm a mediocre student (B's, C's, sometimes A's) which is due partly to me being unable to handle all the math and partly due to personal problems. I had 4 major knee surgeries my first two years of college, which didn't affect me academically, because my first three semester classes weren't hard for me, and plus being on crutches really cuts down on social time, so I did homework a lot but still had plenty of time to relax. I got most of my A's during this period. My mom also has Bipolar disorder which is stressful for me and causes my family financial difficulties. My fourth semester, my mom sliced her stomach open with a razor while I was eating breakfast. She cuts herself when ever she has an episode, and this was the first time she did anything since she had a psychotic episode my Junior year in high school and tried to kill her self twice. My parents also told me they were afraid of bankruptcy (though this never happened). As a result, I failed the mid-term I took after coming back to school and got my first C in physics. I had major panic attacks afterward and nightmares about my mom killing herself. I also had somatic symptoms like not feeling my arms and legs are part of my body. I made it through by talking to a school therapist. My mom hasn't hurt herself since then due to a medication change. Unfortunately, I had more problems. My Junior year, I decided to live of campus which was a disaster. The house I lived in had mold in the basement, a leaking foundation (we had 55 gal of water) and electrical problems as well as several other problems that are too long to go into. After that was handled, I thought I could finally concentrate on school, but then all my housemates got into huge arguments and I ended up losing a large number of friends over the ordeal. The main cause of this was one girl who got off anti-depressant mediation, but still..I also overloaded on credits that semester and struggled with academics as well as having my panic attacks return after not having them over the summer due to all the stress. Then, this spring one of my friends committed suicide. I again had nightmares and panic attacks and went through a very intense grieving period. I went to college expecting to make a better life for myself and have only become very unhappy. In high school, I told myself if I work hard now, I can relax later, but later never comes. I also feel like a screw up because now I probably can't get into grad school even if I wanted to, because I have too many B's and C's in upper level classes. I'm constantly stressed during the school year because I rarely have free time any more, and while I still have some friends, I did lose many last year and my current friendships are shaky. And when I do try and relax, I feel guilty that I'm not doing something productive. I also feel very unmotivated and don't feel satisfaction and fulfilled from academics any more. It's had to feel satisfaction when I can only do mediocre. I can spend hours working on a problem, only to be told how to do it better, then I do it better, and am told how to do it even better than that. The problem is never done. It feels futile. My friend killed himself because of the stress from college and not getting into Columbia and I have two friends who took semesters off due to stress. The stress just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I can't help but think Grad. school would be worse than this. I got a job working as a hostess/buser at a restaurant and I feel much happier than I have in years working at this job than I have doing anything else. It's because I get many things out of this job that I don't get in the rest of my life. I get to serve people at the restaurant and please others and possibly make someone's day better, which never happens in school. I also get praise for doing well and instant criticism when I do something wrong which is better than the stress of waiting a week or more for a grade. I get paid instead of struggling to pay for school through financial aid, scholarships, and working. I feel much more productive and like I'm doing some good at my restaurant job. School currently just feels futile. There's no satisfaction, and I don't think changing majors would help. Although being a hostess/buser makes me happy, I can't do that with my life because of my knee problems. I can do it now, but I already have arthritis, so it's unlikely I can continue to do it for the long term. I've thought about being a writer instead, but it has no financial security. What should I do to be happy? I don't want to take pills because they screwed my mom up pretty bad and they make it so she can't concentrate or focus on anything. It just keeps her alive. I don't want to end up like my mom. What should I do? I think I just need a change in direction in my life, but what would be a good change in direction? (link)
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Welcome to real life young one! There is one word that comes to my mind when I read your words and that is passion. I read that loud and clear in your words, but, I will come back to that.
I am not going to tell you to put yourself and your future into the hands of a deity and blame him when your life gets screwed up. I'm also not going to tell you that you can do anything you want, because I would be lying to you. Life isn't about faith, or doing what you want, neither one puts food on the table and a roof over your head. Life is about finding your passion.
For some that may be religion, for some it could be family and children, yet for others it could be knowledge. There are so many things it could be, but if it is success you seek, you must confine yourself to one. I have always said, "Had I focused on one of the many things I can do and am passionate about, I would be a millionaire by now." But alas, I am a jack of all trades, doomed to jump from one passion to another, till the day I die.
But, you know what, I'm happy. I make money. I have a great wife and tolerable kids, lol. And, I really enjoy living. It was hard getting here, I have lived pay check to pay check, gone hungry, lived on candy bars and chips and the good grace of others and I enjoy my life. If this is what you want, work at jobs that make you happy, don't bother trying to build a life that makes you happy.
School is not about what you are being taught, it is about proving that you can learn. It is about finding what you like and what you excel in. It's about finding your strengths and weaknesses, then working on your weakness while using your strengths.
Life is all about focus and attitude and yours sucks right now. Regain that and you'll realize how much you whine about so little. There are many people out there facing so much more then you do and they shine like diamonds among coal. You you are a piece of coal among diamonds. You stick out just as good, but coal doesn't shine.
You are a great writer, anyone can see that, but I will tell you that you are right about the struggle it is to make money at, (I speak from experience), but two of my books were an act of passion. Passion you must yield to, don't look back and say, "I should have done that".
If I may leave you with this thought, if you're still even with me. When I was young, this would be about 1980, I was going to school for computer programming. I hadn't been going long when I came down with something that kept me out of school for about two weeks. I like to think that it was actually an illness, but I'll confide in you that it was not. I was sick of school, as far as I know, it is not a real illness, yet. Anyway, I went back, none of my teachers had a problem with this, except one, my Accounting teacher. He took me to his office and told me that I might as well drop out, because I would never be able to catch up to the class. Here was a man who didn't know me from Adam, but he somehow knew I wasn't smart enough to catch up.
After arguing with him for a good 10 minutes I realized that no mater what, this man was not going to let me catch up, so I dropped out and didn't go back. I returned to college about 15 years later, achieved a 3.81 gpa, including 4.0's in all my accounting classes. I did this while raising three kids, working a full time job, buying our first home, etc...etc... Yet I still consider this a failure, because I allowed one man to tell me what I was, or was not capable of. I let him take my focus from me and I did not maintain my attitude. I could have been a part of the rise of the computer, instead of watching it from the side line.
Don't let anyone take your power from you, not even yourself. Make Grad school take you, don't take no for an answer. Your future is not their's, it's your's, don't take no for an answer, make your future, find your passion no matter what it is.
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Rating: 5
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Thanks. You seem like a very objective and honest responder. Motivation is definitely my biggest problem. I used to be very passionate and motivated about astronomy and school and certain that I would work in astronomy and be a writer on the side. I know people with harder lives than me but who are more successful with higher grades because of passion and motivation. If I got it back, I think I would be fine. I just let it get lost among everything else that was going on. I just don't know how to get motivation and passion back. At the moment, I am doing as well as I am in school due to sheer force of will...but no enjoyment. I have considered going to grad. school for creative writing instead of astronomy, and paying for it by waitressing since I enjoy it so much, but the idea of a financially insecure future scares me...
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