I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
I am not here for the ratings and could careless what you rate me. I will tell you things I know, I will tell you what you don't want to hear, but most of all, I will tell you things from my perspective. I have experienced a lot in my life, I have not lived with my head in the sand and I'm a realist, you want someone to blow smoke up your as*, don't read my writings, (I don't do fairy tales).
I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
Answers: 285
Last Update: March 27, 2013
Visitors: 26968
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I usually don't like to ask others for help, but if it's anyone, I'd probably choose you--your advice seems very helpful.
My best friend and I used to be inseperable, and then this year she got a boyfriend, and she's become a tad.. colder. Things that wouldn't have bothered her normally like us dressing similarly, me acting a certain way, etc., seem to come off as very hostile when she talks about them. I hate that we've grown apart, but it kind of gets worse.
Her boyfriend, who I used to be VERY close with, has become a very cold person as well. A few months back, he tried to talk to me about something that I apparently needed to change with my dating life (I'd been making dumb decisions about the guys I was dating--only two guys, nothing horrible), and I guess in his mind, I blew him off, so he got angry. So, in studyhall last week, he pulled out a list he (and possibly my 'best friend', I'm not sure if she was involved, because she's said nothing) composed, as to why I'm a "preppy skank". It was composed with twenty-six reasons, including most of the mistakes I've made this year, and things I tend to do that come off as 'skanky'. (For example, I 'flirt' with guys I have no intent of dating, and wear slightly revealing shirts). He completed his list with a humungous list of fables and claimed he had to do it this way because I 'wouldn't listen' last time, and this would make me listen.
I actually sat there and cried--I never let people see me cry. It was so embarassing, and it took me everything I had to not walk out of that room and tear the sheet up, to be honest. As this was going on, he continued to list reasons. A friend of both of ours even sat there, saying they weren't true, and trying to bring humor into the situation, and the boyfriend continued to insist it was all true and say how I've become a 'bitch' and a 'skank' lately. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it besides two of my best guy friends, because he claimed I was ignoring him then, too, and it'd be hypocritical if I went and ranted to others. (I only didn't speak, because most of his reasons were, in fact, hypocritical in themselves, and I was crying, so..)
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here, really. I've been avoiding him, and things have remained the same with my best friend. But ugh. It bothers me, most of the list was utter bull, and even the things that were true.. it bothers me. I've been so tempted to write a whole contradictory list back.
Sorry this has been so long. (link)
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It's hard when a "friend starts to show their true colors isn't it? Change does funny things doesn't it? There are so many truths that can come out of this, but only one I really want to talk about, but who knows, maybe that will change as I write.
I speak a lot about control in my letters to people and who you give that control to. Are you going to give that up to your friends? Are you going to let what your fiends say and do decide who and what you are? If you are, it's going to be real confusing, because everyone has a different idea as to who and what you should be. One of the most important things in life is to be who you want to be, you have to live with yourself 24/7. You have to look in the mirror and like what you see.
Never put up with someone who tries to make you be something you are not and never read anything someone writes you that tells you who to be. The instant you realized that that was what the letter was about, you should have stopped reading it and gave it back to him. You are not interested in dictators that would have you be who they want you to be.
Your relationships with both of these people are over. Understand I am not telling you what to do, but rather stating fact. They FEEL they are above you, don't ever hang with people that feel they are better then you. We are all human beings and deserve respect for that. Those who think they are above you are delusional, it's call it a god complex. We are all at different stages in life, but none is better then the other, just different.
Stick with people who accept you for you and any friend who will sit by and let their boy friend tear you apart, I would question whether she is really a friend.
You honor me with your trust and words and I would be honored to be your friend. Settle for nothing less, expect nothing less from yourself and from others. Who you are is precious, don't leave that to someone else.
Hugs my dear, think about what I have said for awhile, then write me again, questions or no questions, write me.
With love,
Gilbert Mar
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Rating: 5
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Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate that you took your time, and you really helped a ton. Funny thing is, I was just speaking to someone yesterday about god complexes and how senseless they are, hah.
Really, thanks, I love the compassion you put into your answers! (:
Kat.
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