|
I have SO been in your situation (minus the anger/crazy although I felt crazy at the time). Don't think for a minute that the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor (or a tricky side, I tell ya). I wanted a baby SO bad! When I was with my now ex-bf we tried and tried actively for over 5 years to get pregnant and stay that way - couldn't get pregnant and the times I did I always miscarried in the first trimester!...and then when we broke up, I turned to a guy that I dated before for comfort, he was much like my "rock" when I fell: and a true best friend.
Guess what? I got pregnant THAT month and carried to full term! Strangely enough, I have always stayed with one guy and one guy only. ONLY that one particular month in my ENTIRE life, I had slept with both guys within a week of each other- I hadn't even been with more than one guy within months of each other! (something I would have NEVER done before! The guilt ran deep I tell ya..) I actually fell into the category of not knowing exactly whose baby it was..I was completely devastated and felt really trashy because I wasn't raised that way! Even though I'm not religious, I still felt guilt and shame.
You know: Life does throw ya some curve balls!..and the creator "works in mysterious ways".
Anyway, my ex and I naturally ended up back together, and according to the OB my pregnancy date was the day that belonged to my ex...I found out later (as she grew to look so much like my best friend), that he was mistaken. But my ex was there for her birth and I gave her his last name honestly thinking she belonged to him!
What a conundrum!! "Careful what you ask for because you just might get it!": one of my other favorite mottos. I wanted and asked for a baby fervently.. and this is how the Creator gave it to me!
I believe that you will love this baby no matter what! AND maybe if your ex loves you enough he will come help you raise this child!
Oddly enough, in my situation, we three sat down and decided that my ex would be the father and my best friend would take the role of "uncle" that way he could actively be in her life..
As I always say- communication and truth go a long way. If your ex isn't willing to come back and be with you during this difficult time, then he probably wasn't worth your love anyway! And think about what kind of father that would make him?!
I'm sorry that this happened to you, much like it happened to me- but your old enough now that you really can "reach down into that well of strength" and draw on it when you need it most.
Have you always had depression? Or are you mainly depressed because of the way things are going in your life right now? If it's number two, I want you to know that whether your baby has a father right now, won't make a difference at all about how very much you love him/her!
I can't cure your depression, but you said you wanted a baby. Now: concentrate on that beautiful being growing inside you- it's really a feeling like NO other in this universe. And yes, you should seek out some counseling if you find yourself crying everyday. It's not healthy for you or the wonderful being growing inside you!
If your ex won't come back, and you really, really feel that you cannot do this alone (although I truly think that you can). Now is the time to weigh your options: keep the baby, adopt the baby out or..abort it. Please before you do anything drastic, talk to your ex, he may be very willing to take the responsibility of being a father, whether it is his or not!
As hard as it may be, you should turn to your family for help- they will likely be upset at first- but once they see that beautiful being- they will love it ALMOST as much as you will- and believe me THIS is a love that you just cannot "find"..a love like no other.
I know from experience that the wonders of motherhood (whether it is biological or "step") never ever cease!
AND now I know why things turned out the way they did for me...my daughter's biological father passed on before she even got a chance to know what a wonderful person he was...and my ex..well he didn't make such a good husband and father anyway- not much at all! But, now I have this wonderful little curly headed, beautiful, smart piece of ME that I can shower ALL my love on and that loves me unconditionally and with no strings attached!
So, now I'm a "single" mom, with a daughter that IS MY HEART. I don't have any regrets, although I was confused as heck back then. And, I've been dating a great guy for over a year, that my seven year old daughter adores more than her supposed "dad on the birth certificate"..
Just remember, "what doesn't break you makes you stronger"; and "for everything there is a reason"..you just don't know what that reason is quite yet and that is the most difficult hurdle to overcome.
You'll be in my thoughts and I'm sending many Blessings!
Jasmine Moon
|
