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February 13, 2008Answers:
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April 30, 2009Visitors:
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This will be a long question; apologies, but it's complicated.
Background: I once fell head over heels for a girl (call her "Jane"). She and I were friends, but I lacked the courage to try for more. Right before she moved away, I realized it was my last chance to make a move, so I kissed her goodbye. Later, through letters and phone calls, I told her I was in love with her, and she said she felt the same - though I was never really convinced that she felt as strongly as I did. Eventually, she told me she was involved with someone else, and I broke off contact in order to get over her and move on. We had sporadic communication for a while, then finally lost touch completely.
Fast-forward 15 years. I'm thirtysomething, happily married, have kids, but I've never really forgotten Jane (do we ever forget our first love?) Just for kicks, I entered her name into Google, and to my surprise I actually found her. We exchanged e-mail, and then she called me.
Here's where it starts to get complicated, because I expected we would just say "Hey, it's really great to hear from you again, we should stay in touch, blah blah blah," exchange abbreviated versions of our lives so far, and then more or less go back to what we were doing. What I never expected in a million years was that she's actually been thinking about me all this time, that she's still in love with me, and that (to be brutally honest) I've still got strong feelings for her.
I LOVE MY WIFE. I would never leave her, or jeopardize my marriage. I recognize that whatever feelings I have for Jane, they're based on an idealized version of someone I put on a pedestal twenty years ago, and haven't seen since. My question is NOT about whether I should explore an intimate relationship with Jane at this point - the answer to that is "No."
What I need is advice on how to handle this from here. Jane does mean a lot to me and I want to be a friend to her (real friends, not "we can just be friends"), but I don't want to break her heart. Furthermore, I don't want my wife to get the wrong idea (she knows that I got back in touch with Jane - I don't keep secrets from her). No matter how I slice it, I don't see this turning out well. If I had ever considered that Jane might still feel so strongly about me, I would not have resumed contact with her, but what's done is done. Heck, I never really thought she was EVER truly in love with me, let alone that she still is!
In a nutshell -
- I want to avoid breaking Jane's heart.
- I want to stay in touch with her, because she's someone I care about.
- I want to assure my wife that she is still, and always, the real love of my life and more important than anything to me.
Can anyone help me?
i just dont know if it's a good idea to stay in touch with jane... you care about her yeah but she cares about you supposedly in a different way... i know that if i was married and my husband started talking to the girl that was his first love i would not be okay with it... even if there are no feelings there... i still wouldnt be okay with it... shes in the past and your wife is your future... so honestly... i think its just best to leave her out of your life because you said yourself youve thought about her and have feelings for her... you dont want anything to come in the way of your marriage and she very well might even though you say she wont now..you dont know what will happen... but yeah just speaking from a wife's perspective, i would not be okay with it
(Rating: 5) It's hard for me to give you the rating you deserve because it's SO not what I want to hear, but I guess it's what I need to hear. Thank you!