about



"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."



I'm an optimist. I can find the beauty in anything. I'm creative. I love spontaneity, peace, & parties. I'm the farthest thing from shy. There's not one person on this earth that I don't care about. I like deep conversations, change, & random acts of kindness. Every emotion I feel is ten times as strong as yours. I have alot of empathy for other people. I'm real open minded & liberal. All I want to do is make at least one person's life a little easier. :D

advice

i feel so so so so bad.....

worse i put myself down because i feel exposed and embarrassed... i had two best friends.. a girl and a guy.

both just ditch me and basically cut me out of their lives....

it feels worse with the guy because he has done nothing to me but support me where as i have been annoying... i was going through the worst 2 years of my life and we met in college and we got along fast.. so i told him everything..... then things started getting worse (he is so homophobic) and when i move i made friends with a gay guy and he got pissed and though he was fine with it things began to go down hill (see my town believes gays "are going to hell" and he and my family are the same so it isn't that he is mad i moved and made friends he just thinks my values are different and i am "lower" than his level) any way so i after i'd spilled my heart and soul to him.... about my depression how my family went mad over my friendship with this guy (i am female btw! so it's not like i am "shaming" them) anyway so since i am pretty much liberal i got into this dark phase where i was on pills because i almost committed suicide...

i sent him an email explaining that that year was an experimental year (coz i tried a joint once and i know i shouldn't have i was curious) anyway so he backed of cold turkey and he doesn't talk to me!!!

i am pissed coz i feel i let him into my deepest and he flipped on me and thinks of me in an inferior kind of way...and the distance isn't helping... i am still "suicidal" according to my doc.. my parents don't know because they don't believe in therapy and i'd get in so much trouble if i told them i'm going....


anyway so thats the guy... the girl has been a bitch... i've known her since 4th grade but our parents don't know each other and just as our friendship was soooo tight between us it was that far apart with the parents (in a formal way meaning they don't know each other) anyway after i moved i got in some major trouble and got caught so i came up with a lie saying that i lied about the whole thing but my dad apparently has a secret device thing that records my fone calls and so when i called to tell her of my wild night out he flipped and i got beat for it.... anyway so i said i lied so i don't get killed (i mean i just got about 3 or 4 punches which is fine) i told them i lied to her and nothing is true... so not only did i get the punishment and lost all respect i wasnt allowed to talk to her... and i was willing to ignore that and do it anyway cause she has been the only one who stood by me..... so anyway when i told her she got mad and said how could i say something like that about her.. and she knows how i could have been killed for it or badly hurt.. i mean i know i was irresponsible and i learned from my mistake... anyway so she kept saying why me why me.. i told her because i trusted her... anyway so she ignored me.. i was cool with her cooling down but i apologized.. thats about the time when i was being locked up at home so i was becoming suicidal and cutting myself and all.. since all our communication was happening online she didn't take what i was telling her seriously.... and she stopped answering my emails and now she just blocked me from everywhere... i mean i tried and i told her i understood and i even cleared her with my parents and i told her that.... she just left me in the gutter.....


i am honestly so mad at her because i know she is mad too but she could forgive.... you know? i'm so mad at her i can't help but wanting to talk to her...but i sent a million emails so far and she ignored me.... i am hurt and feeling miserable... and counseling isn't helping anymore.. i feel so so lonely and i've lost hope in all people.. people are hypocrites.. no one really has the intention to help someone else..i can't tell my psychiatrist that i am thinking of ending it cause he may contact people and my parents will kill me... please don't tell me to talk to my family you are just wasting your time... i really need some kind of human contact... i feel so needy, self pitying, and desperate it is disgusting me but i can't solve my problems on my own.... some one help... the pain is so unbearable.. I'm sleeping so much it is unbelievable...

You know how you have those days where you'll wake up & your first step out of bed, you stub your toe, & then the rest of your day just spirals down? You start off your day bad, so you automatically have it in your head, "God, today is gonna really suck." Basically, this is what's happening.

Yes, I know this is incredibly long, but please take the time to read it. =]

Here's a few rules for you:
THINK POSITIVE! If the thoughts you're thinking aren't giving you a good feeling, then think about something else that will make you feel good. If you're stuck in a "negative" train of thought, fear & anger patterns can be interrupted by focusing on doing a math problem, counting backwards, counting in odd numbers, doing a sudoku puzzle, etc. Immediately then go back to picturing scenes/remembering things/imagining, planning stuff that makes you feel good/happy. =]
VOLUNTEER! Learn to be a giver. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself. Volunteer at a hospital or be a part of a program, which take care of patients in some way. When you leave the hospital, you will be so much happier knowing that you've done something meaningful, something someone else can appreciate. Give & it will be given unto you. Isn't it true that the happiest people we know are typically the ones who for some reason are always ready to give you the clothes off of their back?
LEARN HOW TO BE THANKFUL! Relax, calm down, take things a little slower in your life. Not one person out there in the world has everything. The trick to life is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, & look to the future. But if we are prepared to take credit for the past and accept that everything that happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are -- the battle is half won.
LIGHTEN UP! Many mental, physical, & spiritual problems in your life are all often caused by one, tiny six letter word -- stress. One of the major causes of stress is worrying about things that are ENTIRELY out of your control! Learn to recognize these things & if you can truly do nothing about them, then just let them go.
LAUGH! Laughter is a powerful, positive medicine and the calmer and more peaceful you can take things, the happier your life will be. =]
BE YOURSELF! There's no possible way you can please everybody! No matter what, don't let criticism worry you & don't compare yourself to other people! First of all, no one ever knows what other people are going through. Therefore, that's never a good/helpful thing for you to do. Try keeping a journal. Practice self-acceptance. Never do something you're not comfortable with. You'll respect yourself for sticking to your guns, & that self-respect will make you happy.
RELAX! Make a scheduled time every day for relaxation. No excuses! This is a wonderful time to go over any therapy that you're working on. Having a relaxation time or simply a quiet time every day strengthens you, allows the stress & tension in your life to disappear00, & keeps you more on a positive, even keel.
GET A JOB YOU LOVE! If you have a job you hate or dislike, seriously consider changing your job, or even changing careers. Having a job that makes you look forward to your day when you wake up in the morning is critical to a happy, fulfilled life. Making special time to enjoy interests, hobbies, and family, not only makes life happier, but helps us be more productive on the job.
CHOOSE THEM CAREFULLY! If you have friends who are treating you badly, then find friends that actually do care about you. When you're feeling sad, there's nothing like going out with your friends to make you feel better. Surround yourself with friends who are positive, encouraging, & helpful.
SET GOALS! & live up to them. When you accomplish a goal, it's a great feeling, right? We can always use more of those, can't we? =]
BE HEALTHY! Give your body/mind what it most needs in order to function in the best possible way. Eat a healthy, balanced diet & make sure that you get all the vital vitamins/minerals that your body requires for its best biochemical functioning. Get exercise! This will prompt the production of those "feel good" hormones (endorphins) that make you feel happy. Plus, there are all the other obvious fitness & disease fighting benefits, far too numerous to mention here.

Need anything else?
Just leave something in my inbox & i'll answer ASAP.
=]

GOOD LUCK!

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(Rating: 5) thank you... for giving me the time.
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