Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
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I am 42 and I just recently got married to a woman I have known my entire life but we both got married to other people shortly after high school. She has three teenage daughters Sam is 19 Meagan is 18 and Audree is 16. Their father left them shortly after my wife had her youngest daughter and so she has raised them all by herself. They have always been pretty affluent because my wife's family has quite a bit of money and she is a magazine editor. She lets the girls get away with murder and they get everything rthey could possibly even dream of wanting. I have a very big issue with this since my three sons (19 18 aand 17) are expected to follow very strict rules. I was in the army for several years and my children are expected to abide by my rules or face the consequences.
The girls however are completely out of control, especially the youngest one, Audree. My wife and i both agreed on a curfew for the all six kids when they moved in. She convinced me to change the curfew of my sons to be midnight for all of the kids. I agreed but with hesitation. Like always before my kids have always gotten here on time or before their curfew while her daughters completely disregard the rules. For example, Audree was late for curfew 4 times out of the 7 days last week. My wife didn't even talk to her about it. When i confronted her al she said was "She is only 16. I think we should just let her live her life." I found out the other day that her girls have never been grounded, never had acurfew, and are very open about teh fact that they go to parties and drink. Sam has gotten in 4 accidents since she has lived here, and Meagan has her boyrfriend over all the time without supervision, all things i dont tolerate from my own kids. Audree came home in tears the other night because she got a ticket for driving 19 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT! My wife just hugged her and tried to calm ehr down the entire night and i never heard a single word about the ticket, which i had to pay for sicne none of her kids have jobs. I almost feel as if she is condoning this outrageous behavior since she never repremands her kids. I don't know how to explain to my kids about thsi double standard in our house but i feel like i can't interfere quite yet with her disiplining (or lack there of)since i am not their real father and have only been in their lives for 3 years. I just don't know how much more of this disrepect i can take from them. They are beautiful girlsand i love them like my own. I wish i could treat them this way though. I feel like i owe it to them to lay down the law and punsih them for things like curfew and partying and bad grades but i dont know if it will just put more stress on our relationship that could eventually cause tension between my wife and I. How should i handle this? (link)
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Well thanks for leaving me a question. I am sorry that you didn't leave your name though. Since you are an adult, I would like to address you by your name. I call the young kids honey but doesn't seem right in this case.
I am sorry for your problems too. This is a very big dilemma. First let me start by saying that I would be considered by most to be a lax mom. But I trust my two boys so I don't give them a lot of rules. They have proven to be trustworthy, and I usually know where they both are. I KNOW that they do not drink or take drugs. Both are against it. They have never gotten tickets. They drive responsibly. Are employed. In other words, they are growing into responsibe young men. I always hear good things about them from teachers and employers. I am sure it is like that also with your boys.
I can tell you this, if your wife were my friend, I would have told her a long time ago that she was asking for trouble by not dicipling those girls. Girls are tough and personally, I am glad that I had boys. As you know, girls can get in trouble and be left holding the bag and she and her parents (in this case you and your wife) have to deal with the problems. Your wife is not being realistic about raising these girls. By indulging their every whim, they will grow up to believe that life will always give them what they want. And you and I both know that this is not true. (Hey if there is a place were we can go and get all that we want, I'm going first!Right!)
When the girls act whiney and spoiled and have a fit when they don't get their own way ...friends will dump them, so will boyfriends, marriages won't last, and God forbid they have kids and raise more whiney brats just like themselves. And guess who will be stuck taking care of them, you guys, of course. The girls are already making poor decisions, and not having to suffer the consequences of their poor decisions, means that they are not learing from their mistakes. And the way things are going, they are going to be making some big ones. Going to parties and drinking is just asking for trouble today. I can;t tell you how many times on this website I have advised girls who did just that, and woke up next day, no clothes on, and have no idea what happened, who they were with, and whether or not they are pregnant, or still virgins, etc, etc. And they don't want to tell anyone, they just want to forget. Hopefully they can.
Listen you already know all of this. I am not helping you by confirming your worst fears. But I want you to know that I am on your side, but mostly I am on the side of those boys. While I am worried about the girls, you are the parent that is asking for advice, so I can only help you.
I was in this same spot, my second marriage which, I was sure was going to be forever, lasted less than 2 years. Why, for just about the same reasons. Bottom line was, that the marriage was not good for my boys, so I knew that I had to place their needs before my own.
Here is what I suggest. I think the two of you should go into therapy. IN front of a therapist, and faced with the possibility that her marriage (2nd one) could end, maybe she will agree to some rules at home that you and her can live with, and that your boys are used to, and that the girls will have to learn to live with. And I agree it is for their own good. (sounds so corney) I would find it hard to believe that a family therapist would condone your wife's child rearing practices. Maybe she can help her to see that her daughters are headed for heartaches and trouble that all the money in the world will not be able to get them out of. Or all the love.
You say that you do not want a divorce and well I would venture to guess that your wife does not want a second divorce either. So maybe she will be willing to go see a family therapist.
Your boys have to come first in your life. If you see this as being detrimental to their futures, you have to make the decision to leave. Can you stay married and just live apart for a while? Stranger things have happened. But still, for the rest of your lives, when your boys do good, you'll feel like to have to hide it, and when her girls make mistakes, you'll feel like you can't say anything. I wonder why none of this was obvious to you before you got married?
As a parent YOU are responsible for raising responsible, reliable and resourceful young men who respect themselves and other people. Who are honest, charitable, kind and generous. Your wife is responsble for the same things with the girls. I am sorry that she cannot see that, if you cannot help her to see that, then you must think of your boys first. I know that we love our spouses differently. It's romantic. And as parents, sposes, whatever, we are adults. We will pay the consequences of our actions. One way or the other. But kids, if they don't grow up responsibly, then the parents end up paying for their mistakes for many many many years.
There are so many things about your marriage and relationship within the household that I do not know, and will have a bearing on what your next step is. But if you really want to save this marriage and your boys, and the girls, then I think family therapy is in order.
I hope you can find a way to make that happen. It is worth a try. And it shows how much you do love all of them. Good luck to you. Please write again if you have more questions.
Michele.
RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
Ryan, raising girls is no different than raising boys. What would you have done different if you had three girls instead of three boys? You have the right idea. So go for it. It is very important that your wife back you up. You HAVE to show a united front. The girls will try to get between the two of you. You can count on their NOT LIKING the changes. And no you don't yell at them, you should never have to yell at them. That would mean that you lost control, which would mean that you don't have confidence in your rules and the reasons for them. You both have the upper hand if you choose to use it. You hold all the cards, you just have to be willing to put up with some whineing and complaining for a while.
So, no yelling. Stay calm and keep your word. Don't create punishments that you are not willing to follow through on. In other words don't say you are grounded for the whole summer, if you are not going to actually ground them for the whole summer. If a weekend is all YOU can tolerate then that is what you tell them. What I always tell my boys or tell myself, is you'll thank me for this when you are older And Ryan, you can count on that. It is going to be harder now, but it will be smooth sailing later, when they are mature and realize that you did it for their benefit. It takes time and patience. And count on this, as they get older, their mistakes can become very costly So you guys have to put an end to the impulsive behavior now. GEt each girl a copy of Dr. Laura Schlessingers book: Ten stupid things that girls to to mess up their lives. It is full of common sense. I have read that court judges make this required reading for girls who end up in court. Don't let your wife say you are being to hard. And Ryan, don't be too hard, be fair. And trust is very important. When they break the trust that you have for them, they have to earn it back. You both also have to be trust worthy, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do what you say, and say what you do.
I hope this helps further.
Michele
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Rating: 4
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Michele,
Thank you so much for your advice. By the way my name is Ryan.
My wife and i have talked about this before and she understands and realizes the risks she is putting not only the girls but everyone in our family at. She has completely agreed to back me up in all rules i would like to enforce. But my main problem is that i don't know if it is too soon for me as the step father to take action. My wife has talked to the girls but she is one of those people that doesn't have a mean bone in her body and so there was nothing negative brought up. My boys understand that they were brought up differently and it is taking time for all of us to get used to each other but they go to some parties and see the girls doing these things and not getting repremanded from their mother. I think it my responsibility to tkae the disipline on now since they have never really had a father figure in their lives. I just am not really sure how to deal with teenage girls. I came from a family with 3 older brohters and no sisters and now i have raised my three sons so i have no experience whatsoever of how much girls can take. I am at a loss on how strict to be. Can they take me yelling at them? SHould i ground them? How should i deal with the teenage girl attitude?
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