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February 18, 2007Answers:
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my husband of 5 years is also my boss. 6 months ago he hired an assistant, a stick thin, long haired blonde, who all the guys have been drooling after for the past 6 months. i became her friend and we would all go out for drinks, but the more i got to know her, the less i liked her. she is a self proclaimed 'gold digger', she has cheated on her previous relationships, she uses men for $, she flirts with every single man, has been intimate with a few of our co-workers (already) and has gone out on a few dates w/ another married man. I try not to have anything to do w/ her, but i get so fustrated when she squeals & giggles loudly & i look over to find her and my husband/boss flirting! we have had HUGE arguements @ home about this, he says that i have nothing to worry about (& i know this) but i am still angry about his actions, he tells me that he will tone it down and be more professional @ work but he isn't. he buys her things like lunches, drinks, etc. and then fights w/ me over our finances. for some dumb reason he told her how much i make (which is less then her!) and now she is telling other ppl that we work w/! @ work he barely gives me the time of day, when i ask him for help sometimes he says flat out "no", but then will go help her, or he will start to help me, but then drops whatever he is doing to help her out. he puts more of a workload on me, and expects more from me then her, or his other workers.
i do trust him, really i do, but that is not my problem, my problem is that i can't afford to quit my job for at least another year and a half (because we owe a lot of $ in Credit debt) but it breaks my heart, honestly my heartaches every time i hear, or see them flirting. she follows him around like a puppy dog, she won't leave his side throughout the day, always has some stupid silly little question to ask him, and she even takes lunch breaks w/ us. i am full of so much bitterness and rage, I don't have a problem w/ her working alongside him, if they would only tone it down on the flirting, chit-chatting throughout the day, and if he would stop doing things for her like, buying her stuff, makeing her coffee, etc. our marriage has gone through alot, and i never would have thought that some 21 y/o airhead would be the thing that comes between us. i've tried everything from a calm, reasonable talk, right down to a screaming yelling, tear streaked face as i call him every name in the book, and everytime it is the same: "I would never cheat on you, i would never disrespect my vows, I'm sorry i hurt you, i won't do it again" but he does it over and over and over again.
I know that he isn't cheating on me physically, but I feel betrayed that he seems to be haveing an emotional affair w/ her. right now I am not speaking to him, he tries to get me to talk, but i can't go through ANOTHER fight w/ him on the same subject, when i know that my words will fall on deaf ears, and he will make promises to change, but will never fall through with it... i have accepted his inability to control the flirting situation.... but i am thinking about going to HIS boss and talk about how i feel that i have an unfair amount of work, and how when i ask for help he refuses, or he never finishes helping me out. sorry it was so long, but god it felt good to get that off of my chest.
I'll start off by telling you what I would say, if I found myself in a similiar situation...
"I don't like the way you flirt with your assistant. I don't like it because when I see you flirting with her, I feel that you don't respect me or my feelings. You know that I don't like it, yet you persist to do it. And how would you feel if I flirted with another man infront of you? Would you feel like I was being disrespectful or inconsiderate?
I don't like that she goes to lunch with us. (Or accompanies us on outings after work?) One, because I do not like her as a person. From what she has told me about herself, I feel that I can not trust her and am uncomfortable around her. This is also my time to be alone with you. I am upset because when I want to spend time with you, you invite her along with us.
It upsets me when I need your help, and you either deny my request or stop helping me because you are too busy helping her. Doing so makes me feel that she is a bigger priority you than I am. I am your wife, and that hurts my feelings.
I am also concerned about how your behavior will affect your job. Your behavior is unprofessional. What if your boss notices? What is he is as disturbed by your behavior as I am?"
I know you've all ready tried talking about it. And you've said that he doesn't seem to hear a word you say. The reason why I just wrote your husband a letter is because sometimes... Even when we try to stay calm and rational, we are unable to articulate how we really feel and WHY we feel that way. And men and women communicate very differently. You and I could have this conversation, and without you saying anything that would be considered direct, I would know what you are trying to say and understand how you are feeling. Because I am a woman and communicate the same way. Men tend to be more direct, so when you are trying to have a discussion it is best to be as direct as possible and give solid, logical explanations.
I would also like to mention that since I am in the management business... I may know a thing or two about what his boss would think if he knew the degree of your sitatuation. Drama at work is bad. I hate drama because... 1.) Purely selfish reason... It makes my job more difficult than it has to be. I'll do anything to resolve the conflict, and that doesn't stop at a demotion or termination either. If she's really that much of an airhead, and he's really that unprofessional, I can afford to lose both of them and still sleep like a baby at night. 2.) Office drama looks bad to clients. Okay, so I've got a married working me, he's flirting with his assistant right infront of his wife who also works for me... I'm thinking this personal issue could become a professional issue very easily. What if they blow up at the office? What if one of my clients witnesses such an explosion? Bad for business. 3.) Bad for morale and production. When you're unhappy, you have a hard time getting your job done. You're less productive because your too distracted by the problem at hand. And bad morale has a funny way of spreading from one person to another person, and then another... Surprisingly quickly. Before I know it, no one is getting anything done because... Betty is too busy crying about her inconsiderate husband in the bathroom. June isn't doing anything productive because she's in the bathroom with Betty too, trying to console her. Mark's pissed off because he can't find June and he really needs that report. Tom's getting upset because he's trying to do his job and Betty's job at the same time and isn't accomplishing anything but getting really frustrated... And so on and so on. 4.) Hurts my checkbook. I just pointed out that no one's done any work today right? Well... Guess what... I still had to pay them. I could have sent them all home and saved myself some money.
So yeah... If you haven't pointed out to your husband that his behavior is unprofessional, interferes with his job... And ultimately endangers HIS checkbook, you might want to do that. Otherwise, he's going to get a warning from the higher-ups somewhere down the road... Because they will notice. And if they are anything like me, they will nip this problem in the bud before it starts to affect THEIR checkbook.
I can only suggest that you try talking to your husband one more time. If that doesn't work... Your feelings are valid whether he understand them or not, and his behavior will affect your marriage in a very negative way if it persists. Then maybe you do need to talk to the boss... Or start looking for another job. Going to see a counselor might not be a bad either... Then maybe someone can explain to him how you feel and why you feel the way you do.
And while I'd hate for it come down to delivering ultimatums... In the end, it might be what you have to do.
I would also like to mention that I think confronting the airhead would be useless. You know what type of person she is... I don't think that sitting down and discussing the problem is going to make a difference. Infact, it might make it worse because you're contributing the work drama... And you don't want to say anything to her that she could twist around and use against you.
But... That's just my take on the situation. I hope things get better. If all else fails... You could tell him that if he doesn't change his wicked ways... He's going to have a pissed off little blonde with a crowbar waiting for him outside of work. Just kidding. You ever need to talk... My door is open. With that... Goodnight. ;)
(Rating: 5) thank you for your advice, i agree with you that confronting her would be bad, she has already shown that she could care less. I especially like the end, I will be the pissed off little wife with a crowbar, LOL... it was nice to get a different perspective from someone in a managerial position. unfortunately, the new GM LOVES all the new work that my "husband" is doing, and unfortunately I work for a very small company where even the owner will flirt with my husband's new assistant, who BTW is younger then his own daughters... so, honestly i can't wait to get the hell out of there, though i won't be able to keep an eye on my husband's actions; I think i will save myself a lot of heartache if i don't witness it.... I will start looking for a new job this weekend; thanks again for your advice.