about

My name is Marissa, you may call me anything you like though, as long as it's not offensive, obviously.

I haven't been on in quite some time and I'm going to try harder to come on more.

If you have a question for me personally, just leave it in my inbox and I'll answer it as soon as I get it.

Just remember that everyone has something special about each of them, and if other people can't see that, it's their loss not yours.





"Your attitude determines your altitude."

advice

This is long. Bear with me.

I'm a 14 year old boy in ninth grade.
There's a girl. I'll call her Jean. I've known Jean since the end of sixth grade, and over the years a mild "she's pretty" crush grew to what I at that point thought was genuine love. In eighth grade, Jean and I became very good friends. I was, and remain, attracted to her independence, creativity, deepness, and beauty. My major flaw would be that around her I've always had the tendency to grow quiet, becoming sort of a background lurker when her friends are around. I don't think that comes off very well -_- But anyway, back to the story.

In seventh grade we were writing a song together for our chorus, and I would often call her and talk to her online. I spent most of the day at her house once. My affections were also heightened by the fact that we were in the same musical, and the emotional level we were reduced to by the last few weeks (very, very stressful) eased things along. In those weeks of stress and difficulty, we were there for one another, and by then I felt that I was truly in love with her. Mind you, this whole time I had been a rather whiny bitch over my MySpace blog: "Oh, I'm in love with a girl but she doesn't know I love her." "Oh, being in love is so hard". Mind you, she was well aware it was her.

At the very end of the musical, one of Jean's friends (who I later found out was sent by Jean) asked me whether I liked Jean or not in private. I, being naturally paranoid and defensive, said no. This probably goes on my list for the top five mistakes I've made in my entire life, as this information was relayed back to Jean. She soon lost interest, and my guardedness and inaction proved to be my downfall. After that, everything turned sour. My feelings for her, barely changed, but she grew to find me more of an annoying background character than a friend or anything more. This hurt me deeply, and I froze myself up inside.

Luckily enough, I met a wonderful girl at camp. I'll call her Lindsay. By the end of the summer, I had nearly forgotten Jean and I was dating Lindsay. Lindsay lived 90 minutes away from me, but we talked on the phone for two hours a night and saw each other every other weekend. Things were going pretty well.

Meanwhile, the school year began and I started at my new high school. Jean was not in any of my classes (I was unsure as to whether this was good or bad), and every time I saw her there was a tremendous awkwardness between us. I could tell she no longer flat out disliked me, but how could we possibly converse as normal when she had read all of those MySpace blogs? I began to hang out with the losers and emos, while she hung out with her regular theatre crowd. But time passed...

As things between us became very, very slowly less awkward (the occasional nod or hello), I began to move away from the emos and toward the theatre crowd. I felt that the theatre crowd was where I belonged, regardless of whether Jean's being in it would make things awkward. All this time, I talked to Lindsay every night, and rarely mentioned Jean. Our relationship began to wane over time. Finally, I felt fully integrated into the theatre crowd. Although I still had my "annoying lurker" persona when around Jean, we made a lot of progress. It was soon that I realized that I had rekindled my old feelings for her.

Regardless of circumstances, I could no longer hold back my old emotions. Her beauty is captivating and almost hypnotic, and all the characteristics that I was attracted to shine bright once again. Not to fall into old patterns, but my feelings for her are and were some of the most painful in my life. Imagine standing there as an observer, standing behind a wall of ice... I think of it as one of the worst pains in existence.

Now, what happened recently was a naked picture of Jean was discovered. A junior who I am going to call Wanker traded iPods with Jean's ex-boyfriend, and proceeded to start showing people the picture. I specifically requested not to see the picture (yaaay code of honor!), and made him promise not to show it to anybody else. It was apparently sent to a couple other people... With Jean's understanding and support, I devoted the past two days (Tuesday and Wednesday) to tracking down each address the picture was sent to and then wiping it from their hard drives. I'm a bit of a techie in that sense :P

All the while, I felt bad because of my relationship with Lindsay... But I know that we will be over in the near future. We have been going for five months, and our relationship has simply run its course. It's only a matter of time now. In any event, today, Jean was called to the office. She was pulled out of last period gym, and I waited for her until the school day was over. She got out, teary-eyed, and told me she'd talk to me later. I wanted to hug her so badly... But the VP was right there.

I got on the bus to go home, and the busses began to leave. Standing there, I ultimately decided "fuck this". Tired of being the lurking bystander, I got off the bus and waited an hour and ten minutes with a couple of her friends until she got out. When she did, she was crying, and I held her. I had pretty much been needing and wanting to do that since eighth grade. It felt really good. I finally saw her off to her car... I know she appreciates what I've done for her, but I really don't know other wise. Then again, maybe I do know but don't really want to admit that she has no feelings left for me.

Long story short, the school isn't doing anything and everything is Wanker's fault. After I had him promise not to show anybody, he showed the pictures to his entire bus. But that's not really important.

My point is, my relationship with Jean is so ridiculously strained and complex, I'm wondering what I should do. Is there any hope for me/us at all? If it's any help, here's one of my old questions that tells a lot about me, my stance on things, and my life:

http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=465913

Thank you for reading this far. If you did, you totally deserve a cookie :)

k well first of all, that was really long and i totally want my cookie in the mail. but it was good that it was long because you gave a lot of details. well i'm in 9th grade also and i know where your comin from. ok Lindsay seems like a nice girl but i don't think she's for you. I think you guys should just stick with being friends before you really hurt her. now jean, jean jean jean. i personally think you guys should just like date. maybe you should go to the priciples office about that whole picture thing. and like it was good that you held her because what makes a girl go crazy for a guy, at least for 9th graders, is when a girl is crying and a guy will just hold her and tell her its ok. so i think if you keep doing that, and like defend her and stuff. she will deffinately like you again, how couldn't she. i really think you should loosen up and be yourself around her. show her the reaaaaaaaaal you., don't let her see that annoying lurker side she has before. and be honest with her. so if a friend asks you if you like her and you do, don't lie. it's nothing to be ashamed of to the point where you should have to lie about something as small as that (although i've done it myself before).
but i apologize i didn't read the other question because it's amazingly long and where i live its still 6:49 in the morning and i'm gonna miss my ride!


but i wish you luck and hope i helped

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