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While I am still young, I have had a great deal of life experience. It is from this that I give advice. I am open minded and try not to be judgemental. If I can help in any way, I will. Just ask. However, like everyone else in this world, I am not perfect. My advice may not always suit you, since my experiences are not the same as yours. If you want clarification on any answers I give, feel free to ask me. If you don't like what I said, or if I offended you, let me know. This is the best way for me to improve on my responses.

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advice

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG BUT I SERIOUSLY NEED ADVICE ON THIS. PLEASE DONT LEAVE BECAUSE ITS TOO LONG. YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER FOR ME. PLEASE READ.

ok. so me and my mom fight non-stop. screaming yelling crying. the usual. its weird because we used to be really close and would always go shopping and crap and i would tell her everything yatta yatta. well i really want to be her "friend" er w/e. i mean not like besties but id like to at least have a positive relationship. seriously. usually, like as of right now, i hate her guts. with a strong passion. she ruins my life.

does anyone know anything i can say to her that lets her know i need her? this sound really cheesey i know. but its like ruining my life not to have a positive relationship. i mean. i get grounded for the f-ing retaredest things (if thats even a word..) and because of her i wont be able to spend this coming weekend with my boyfirend. (its our anniversary) and im superrr pissed.

anything.. please. this is serious. i hate my life. and its all because of her. i honestly wish my parents would divorce just so i wouldnt see her as much. but the only thing is she says that if my parents were to divorce (for the like 3rd time) she wouldnt let me live with my dad. yeah right. i would refuse to live with my mom.

ughhhh. please help..


oh and by the way;
if it makes a difference, she has cronic depression and doesnt always take her medications (which pisses me off). so shes always bitchy. my dad agrees with me that sometimes she goes over the top.

I KNOW THIS WAS LONG BUT PLEASE HELP!

xoxo
14/f

I am a mom on anti-depressants. If I go off my meds, I get violent. I yell a lot and I throw things. I don't go off my meds unless something stupid happens between my insurance and my doctor. But many people do go off their meds because they either forget, convince themselves they don't need it, or just plain don't want to take them.

Because I am familiar with depression and family problems, I can probably help. What I will tell you will not always be easy, but it will help. A lot of it will be about helping her, but that is because in the end it will make your life a whole lot easier.

First, find her when she is calm and feeling good. Talk to her about her. Depression causes us to see the worst in everything. You say you need her, and she will think "yeah, of course you do. But what about what I need? Does anyone ever think about that?" So, start with her. Ask her about her day, ask her if she would like to go to lunch with you and just hang out a bit. Then, when you are talking more, let her know what is going on in your life. Let her know how important it is that she just know what is going on, that she means a lot to you. Depressed persons often feel useless and unwanted. Then we take it out on those closest to us. Let her know you want her in your life, and not just for the difficult stuff, but the fun stuff too. It is apparent to me that you do care very much for her, or you wouldn't be quite so angry about her skipping her meds.

The next thing is to talk to your dad. Don't rant at him, don't let him rant. Just talk rationally about your concerns. It will take a lot to get her to stay on her meds, but it will make a world of difference. But they have to be taken consistantly to even come close to working. You and your dad may want to talk to her doctor to see if he has any recommendations on helping her.

Now, for coping, there are some things for you to do. First, avoid her triggers. Everyone has something(s) that set them off. A depressed person doesn't just get set off, they blow up entirely. Avoid the things that cause that whenever possible.

Get involved in after school activities. Lots of them, but not too many that you can't keep your grades up. Dropping grades is a major trigger for just about any parent. If you have plenty of activities after school that you are committed to, you just won't be home. But don't forget to always invite her to be involved with you. Let her know it would be so much fun if she could help you make costumes for the school play, or help you make cookies for a fundraiser, or whatever you decide to do (I was the theater kid, and avoided lots of parental problems when I was a teen).

Here is one my marriage therapist (told you I caused problems) gave us in order to deal with a difficult family member (in my case, my sister-in-law): Just let her rant. Do not say ANYTHING. Look at her the whole time. Don't make any faces. Stay blank and look at her. She will stop when she is done, or when it just doesn't phase you. Often, the person will hear themselves after a while and realize how ridiculous they are being.

Do NOT walk out on her when she is ranting. My husband did that a few too many times, which only heightened the feeling that I didn't matter. I ended up in the hospital. If you just can't listen anymore, say that. Say "mom, I can understand that you are upset. I am too. We need to talk later so I don't start yelling. I am going to my room for a little while to calm down. I love you and will talk to you soon." Then leave. Don't listen to her yelling after you. Go put on headphones and listen to your favorite music and read a good book. (headphones are important. Playing music loudly will just make it worse)

There is one more important thing you should know. Growing up, I saw my mom go into depressive fits a lot. She was never officially diagnosed, at least not until I was already out of the house. I later learned that depression caused by chemical imbalance (rather than an event like a death or something) is often hereditary. I look back at my life and realize that I showed plenty of signs of depression and never noticed. If you think you may be getting depressed, no matter what the reason, talk to a professional. It could just be the blues over something that happens to you, or it could be actual depression, but it doesn't matter. Talking to an impartial person can help. And if you do show signs of actual depression, you can get the care you need before it turns into a major problem. I hope you won't actually need that last bit of advice. But it is certainly something that people with depressed parents should be aware of.

Oh, also, with your age, if your parents do get a divorce you will be able to decide who you want to live with. Most states you need to only be 11. Some you have to be 13. Either way, you are past that.

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(Rating: 5) thank you very much. it means a lot coming from a depressed parent. i will take this all to heart... (:
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