About EarthMother
About me:
I have worked in social services (nonprofits) for over two decades. At this point, there is little I've not heard, and therefore, I am able to give pretty grounded advice.
I like to write, and I'm currently working on my first novel. I created a 5-week workshop series for midlife women; and, I also have a midlife advice column in a small SF Bay Area paper.
Feel free to ask me whatever is on your mind &/or in your heart. I'm here, just ask!
I wish you well,
Earth Mother
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Gender: Female
Location: Berkeley, CA
Occupation: Social Worker, Fiction Writer & Poet, Workshop Leader
Member Since: April 5, 2006
Answers: 49
Last Update: June 10, 2006
Visitors: 8010
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I met a guy last year, and we started going out. Everything was going okay until I missed my period. I told him, and he seemed cool about it, said that if I were pregnant, he would be there for me and everything. A few months passed by before I found out I really was pregnant.
By that time, he had started talking to another girl, and had almost completely left me alone, knowing that I could be having his child. He never called anymore, and he had started talking to a boy I'll call Wayne. After seeing me try to tell my boyfriend about the situation, Wayne convinced him that I wasn't pregnant, and I was lying. When I started to show and people started asking my boyfriend about it, he would tell them the baby wasn't his.
So I gave up and decided to go through the whole thing on my own. I felt so alone, and became depressed. I needed him but I figured if he didn't care it wouldnt help to have him around. Then, when I was 5 months pregnant, I had a baby boy. He died not long after being born. I told myself I wouldn't tell my boyfriend this either. We had broken up about 2 months ago.
I only went deeper into depression because I had lost something so precious, and I was starting to look forward to having my baby.
When I would see my boyfriend, it would eat at my conscience(sp?) that he should know because it was his child. So I told him. I expected him to help me through this, but I don't think he even believed me. And even if he did, he doesn't seem to care about how I feel. While I'm always home suffering and depressed, he's being so happy with his new girlfriend and everything. And this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I'm so depressed, my grades are falling, and things are obviously just going downhill for me.
I wish I could just make him care. I'm going through this alone and it's really hard. Is there anything I can do to help myself get out of this depression? Anything I can say or do that will show him I'm not lying and I really need him right now? What is your honest opinion on this situation?
Thank you so much in advance.
Dear Baby & Exbf,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please understand that you are grieving, and the depression you feel is part of that process.
Looking to your bf to help you through this is a waste of time and not where you need to focus your energy. You need to speak with a counselor or therapist about what you've been through.
Neither you or your bf were ready to become parents, and so, bringing a baby into this situation would have been complicated, messy, and not fair to the child.
In the meantime, put your attention & energy into getting help to deal with this loss. If you can't speak with your parents, perhaps you can call Planned Parenthood (via 411) and tell them you need to see someone. You can also call 411 and ask for the local "Information & Referral" agency in your area; these places keep directories of various programs, agencies, services that people can't easily find.
The help is out there, but you'll have to do your part. This experience has happened for a reason, and there are things you need to learn about yourself before becoming a parent.
Do your part to grow & develop into an adult and learn about what healthy relationships are about. When the time comes, you'll find yourself ready & able to parent with a committed partner who'll be there for you.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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Thank you so much and God bless you!
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