Member Since: April 19, 2021
Answers: 179
Last Update: June 27, 2022
Visitors: 7614
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Hi,
so over the last 3 years I´ve lost almost all of my friends bc they were toxic and the friendships drained me and were one-sided. I held onto them for so long and tried to save them but I just couldnt anymore bc I knew these "friends" didnt really care about me. They were mostly friends from high school but i after i left high school i learned they werent really my friends bc of how they treated me.
I kind of have only one friend left but I dont know what to think about her and I dont know really if she is my friend or im just trying to hold onto one last person before i can officialy say im a loser and letting loneliness take over me.
She is good person, she helps me and listens to me when i tell her about my problems. But when we hang out its always only for 2 hours bc she always has to go somewhere.
She invited me to her place at the beginning of July but i didnt feel welcomed, she didnt offer me food or anything and i brought some food and she was suprised when she saw it. I left after 2.5 hours bc "she didnt feel good" but told me she was out with friend beforehand that day. I dont why she even invited me bc clearly she dindt want me there.
When I was leaving I told her we should totally meet before she leaves (she is going to another city that is really far to study at this private college). She said yes. Then at the end of July I texted her that we should go on trip somewhere. She told me it sounds amazing but she didnt know when would that happen bc she is working.
Its almost September and we still didnt go or hang out bc she is extremely busy. Today I saw her posting photos from Vienna, which is 7 hours from the city where we live but when I asked her to hang out about week ago, she told me she couldnt.
I dont know what to think. I dont know if she is gonna meet up with me before she goes away. I mean I dont believe she is so busy and working all the time that she cant make time for me. She even agreed to go on trip with me, which i doubt will ever happen. I dont know if she is really my friend or what. If she leaves before saying goodbye she will break my heart and I will know for sure she doesnt care about me.
I just feel like an idiot trying to hang out with her when she clearly doesnt want or "cant".
Please, help me :/ I dont know what to do, she is my last friend and I dont wanna lose her. I dont know if I should try and save this friendship or save myself from wondering and just accept the fact she isnt my friend anymore bc Im sick of one-sided friendships.
(link)
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Why would you believe you are a "loser", when the only thing you "lost" were so-called friends who "really didn't care"? Instead, consider yourself lucky that you are free of them. That you would blame yourself instead says a lot about your own self-image that needs improving.
Your "last friend" wants your visits to end after more than two hours? Well, that's normal. That you would want to hang around after that long says more about your own dependence and insecurities than your belief that she is short changing you or doesn't really care, etc.
She's setting the limits , because you can't or won't. Chances are she does indeed still care about you...or she wouldn't be seeing you at all. But if you continue to be clingy and over dependent, as it seems you have been, you will inevitably push her away permanently. Perhaps this may have happened with your former friends, rather than your interpreting that they really didn't care about you?
So, you asked for help: try to cool it down. Make other activities and friends. Spread it around. Dial back the over dependence upon the one remaining friend you still have...and maybe its not too late, before you lose her too.
Take personal inventory. Ask yourself not what you can get from others, but what you have to give , that will make them want to be friends with you.
And if your cupboard is empty, learn how to fill it with things that will make you a wanted, desirable friend to have: your interests, goals, values, activities, enrich what tou can bring to others, and it will come back to you.
Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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My husband has been having an issue with going to work here lately. At first I wasn’t saying anything. But now I’m getting worried about our future. I have been now saying things about missing work and yes I have fussed about it. All he says to me is to mind my own business. I told him that we love together and that him not going to work is mind business because it affects me as well. Am I in the wrong? (link)
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Of course you are not in the wrong ! You are a married couple. And by definition, your business is also his, and vice versa.
He may lose his job. And that affects both of you.
He may be depressed or otherwise conflicted. And that affects both of you. There may be some unknown but serious problem(s) that are in need of resolution. He could even be experiencing a serious health problem.
Instead of shutting you out, he should be confiding in you and seeking your feedback and support.
Perhaps he views his role as provider and doesn't want to reveal a sense of weakness or dependence upon you. Who knows? If he won't discuss anything...its tough to say what has been going on.
To tell you to mind your own busienss is totally out of line, regardless of the cause. It is hurtful. It shuts you out and increases a divide between you, damaging what should be a partnership "In sickness and in health". It is hostile, rude, and just plain foolish. Maybe you should share this with him.
If he feels he can't or won't confide in you, perhaps he will be willing to consult a counselor instead. Something really needs to resolve this, before disaster strikes.
Do not continue to support this by maintaining silence or going along with it. Confront him now, insist that if he won't confide in you, that a counselor is in order. Perhaps it should occur in any case.
THere must be some clues: his type of work , the relationships he has with co-workers or superiors, depression perhaps, even possible health issues.
If he absolutely refuses to confide in you, or anyone else, then perhaps you should go yourself to seek counseling, in order to best deal with this potentially dire situation. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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28/f 32/m
I was reflecting over my last relationship and I can’t help but keep thinking that this is a red flag—
When I first met my ex, he told me that he was moving to Texas because he was building a house. Eventually it had been revealed that his MOM was building a house in Texas and he was moving into the house (but his parents are planning on staying in California).
Later on, I found out that the condo he was living (and later sold) in California was also owned by his parents. Which by the way, this was a condo that him and his ex-fiancé lived in. When it was sold, he moved back in with his parents but he lived in a separate area in the house so he could have his own privacy.
I remember as he continued to talk about the new house that was being built, he kept talking about how excited he was to design certain parts of the house. But I couldn’t help but think “… but it’s your parents house?? You didn’t put any money into it?”
Can someone tell me why I might think this is a red flag? I don’t see much of a problem with this with someone who’s in their 20s, but my ex is 32 and I couldn’t help but be bothered about this.
I don’t know if it’s because I came from a different background where my family was poor so I had to build my own legacy. I didn’t want to rely on my parents (nor did I really had a choice)?? This is just me thinking out loud. I may be wrong. But I’m genuinely curious. (link)
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I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Initially, I first thought you were speaking of someone still in their teens, only to realize he is in his early thirties !
If nothing else, wasn't he actually lying to you? Further, his dependence upon his parents at his age speaks volumes about something perhaps difficult to define, but having to do with a lack of maturity, or perhaps a less than healthy enabling on his parents' part that has prevented him from assuming a full adult role.
In any case, I'm more concerned that you are continuing to "reflect" on your "last relationship". You didn't say how recently you and he ended, but if you are still musing about whether there were red flags or not, you may not be finished with him yet.
A finished relationship means you move on. So, when will you be ready to put some full closure on this one and make yourself fully available for the next one?
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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My friend "Jane" (34F) and I (24M) have been friends for about 5 years now. We tell each other almost everything and can always complain to each other or ask the other for advice. It's pretty much great, but the one thing about it that I absolutely cannot stand is the fact that she very frequently cancels on plans last minute. She has a slew of physical and mental health problems, so I know that she's not cancelling for the sake of just not wanting to do anything. However, it's gotten to a point where whenever I try to make plans, I have to constantly verify with her that she is, in fact, following through. The instance that made me write this post was that today, we were expecting to play Pathfinder with a group of friends. I am the GM and put a lot of time into this week's plan for the session. Early this morning, I got a message from one member of the group saying that they can't make it. Sure, one person is fine, we have 4 others. We can roll with it. A few minutes ago, not even three hours from when we are supposed to meet, Jane tells me she isn't feeling well and won't be able to come. I called to confirm to see if it's something minor that she thinks might pass before the time comes for the session, and she just apologizes and says she can't make it. I hang up and immediately, admittedly hastily, sent a message to the group chat that the session is cancelled for this week since I planned a whole huge event in game and two people are going to miss it and I have nothing prepared as back up. I'm sitting here writing this up now not sure how to feel. Angry? Apathetic? Sad? It's one thing if she cancels on us going shopping or something like that, but I spent so much time preparing for this and although I know it wasn't really something that could be helped, it just makes me hesitate more and more whether or not to include her in things in the future. Is there a way I can tell her how much this upsets me without coming across as rude or seeming like I'm not understanding of the fact that sometimes it really is out of her control? (link)
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First, you have been friends with her for many years, so there is no surprise that she behaves in the same patterns over time. That you have tolerated this for so long is what is indeed surprising.
Do know, if you don't by now, that she cannot be depended upon to make herself available for anything previously committed or agreed upon. And plan accordingly. The reasons may be immaterial.
You don't have to tell her anything, unless you wish to, but you do need to protect your own interests and stop expecting her to be anything other than what she has always been in the past long years, regardless of the cause or causes.
No one can treat you thusly unless you are willing to tolerate it, and I recommend that you give more priority to your own well being and mental health, and dwell less on what's wrong with her.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hi
This is about my last question. Basically a “friend” from high school told me she is going to study abroad. We haven’t seen each other in a year. She then invited me over to her place but basically we sat there in quiet, she didnt even offered me anything, it was me who brought something for us to eat. Then after 2 hours she indirectly told me to leave.
I then told her we should meet during summer before she leaves. She agreed but basically whenever I would ask her she would tell me she is busy and working. Dont tell me
that even if she is working that she couldnt find 2 hours for me to say goodbye.
You know what, she just posted a picture with classmate from high school (she wasnt close with her as she was close to me) that she is abroad. That means she left to study abroad even without goodbye. She didnt even bother to text me that she is gone.
The whole summer she “didnt have time” to hang out with me. I told her about some of my problems and she helped me. But she did have time to meet up with someone she didnt even know very well.
I texted her about it and she just gave it a seen. So she didnt even bother to respond to me. Please tell me what to do. I really wanna die because she was my last “friend” and i cannot even comprehend the pain im feeling right know. I really wanna die. The fact that she told me nothing and isnt even responding to my message…I just cant anymore. I thought she cared about me.
This was the last thing that kept me away from killing myself. Because I thought she cared about me but she never did and I just wanna die so badly. This was the last knob to my coffin. (link)
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You are seriously depressed, if you are feeling suicidal, and this has deeper, other causes that the rejection you experienced from your friend. You MUST do something about this, and this means seeing a licensed professional counselor. Your suicidal ideation pre-exists, and your over reaction to this situation isn't warranted. You were already fragile, depressed,, and vulnerable to begin with.
This girl gave you lots of messages that she just wasn't that interested or available, which should have clued you in to leave her alone and to move on, which you didn't do. Consequently, you set yourself up for being more and more hurt by her rejections.
Get yourself into counseling, pronto ! Most communities have sliding fee scale counseling resources, which you can find either on line or in the reference section of your local library.
Meanwhile, here is another valuable resource for you: Its the suicide prevention hotline, at 1 800 273-8255, available for free, 24/7.
There is hope, and help available ! Good wishes, good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Hello, I'm undergrad student and I'm currently working. I decided to stop studying because of our Financial Problem. So It's been 2 years since I stop from Schooling and right now I really wanted to back in studying but I'm struggling if I will continue my current course or I will shift/change my course. Also, I still need to work. So that I can support my Studies. Please help me, on How I will know/identify my course. Thank you. (link)
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First, let me support your wishes to go and further your education , while still needed to earn income. Its very possible, and many thousands of students do the same thing.
Because your English is a second language for you, I have difficulty in understanding what you are trying to say. But, you can do something about this: you can have someone help you write in better English, and ask us again for advice.
If you get back in school, and you are taking at least twelve units, I believe,you can go to a local junior college for very little cost. Then, you can receive free counseling and advice about how to stay in school, cover your expenses, and you may even qualify for financial assistance. Its a good way to see what help can be offered to you.
Its not unusual for students to be uncertain about their majors, their career choices. First, cover your expenses. Get back in school. Take your time, you don't have to be a full time student all at once. You will have to work harder, but you will still be able to reach your dreams.
Good wishes and good luck ! Dr. Stephanie
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I want to propose my ex girlfriend again becuase I breakup with her when I was not at good mental state (link)
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First, you may wish to apologize to her and to try explaining that you were not in a "good mental state" at the time you broke up with her.
Be prepared to do a lot of supportive listening, while she tells you how she feels, if she's willing to do it.
If you were upset enough to break up with her, do not expect her to be okay with your proposal. Your mental state appeared to be unstable at the time you broke up, and therefore untrustworthy, even now, from her point of view.
Instead of proposing, how about doing whatever you need to do to achieve and maintain a "good mental state" now and in the future. This is more important , now, and in the future, than another proposal just now. Without more information, I could not advise you on what you need to do, exactly.
From your "ex-girlfriend's" point of view, she would be very wise to avoid accepting any proposal from you now, until you can become more stable and mentally healthy.
Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Well, my boyfriend has been acting differently, he won't say "I love you" back to me like he normally does. We argue from time to time and now I just feel sad and drained. I feel like he's cheating on me now at this point. He says he wouldn't do that, but I feel like he is. (link)
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If I can find a question in your comments, it might be..."What can I do to understand and resolve the difference between what he says and how he has been acting?" And how can our relationship improve?
So let me try to help. The main priority in both instances must be communication. For example:
"I need to be reaassured that you still love me, since you have stopped saying it." (Do you need to be constantly reassured? Is this driving him away?)
And, "These are the reasons I still feel worried that you may be cheating, even though you say you aren't: (You can fill in the blanks here.)
And, "Something is wrong with our relationship, or I wouldn't be feeling so sad and drained. When we argue, we might need some better communication and problem solving skills. "
So, I might suggest to you that doing a bit of couples' counseling would teach you those skills and make your problems easier to resolve.
One helpful hint: people tend to be defensive when they argue, and not to really listen to what the other person has to say and how they feel. Try it. Focus less on defending yourself and more on conveying to your partner that you really hear, sympathize and understand how they are feeling. This alone will go a long way toward improving things when you argue.
Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I am 27 my BF 27.
I am in a long distance relationship for five years. We see each other 2/3 times a year. My boyfriend is very caring and nice. And off course I trust him a lot.
A few months back a saw a girl commenting on few of his post. and by her comment it seems like they chat sometimes. She always reacts with love react to his post. and sometimes comments praising his singing.
Now my BF has other female friends, they are his classmates and colleagues. And I am not insecure about them at all. But this girl is not his classmate or colleague.
Now I am not saying that he is having something with her. Like I said earlier I trust him completely. But I don't know why I have this weird feeling that the girl has a crush on my BF and she is trying to impress him. Should I do something about it? It is bothering me a lot. I didn't ask my bf about the girl yet. Should I ask him? How can I ask him? or should I just ignore it?
BTW we don't share our couple picture online or post anything about our relationship online. As me and my BF both are very private person. Our close friends and family members know about our relationship. But we don't showoff online. (link)
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Let's see if I can respond to your comments and concerns:
*You have had a long distance boyfriend for a long time, whom you don't see very often. Is this enough for you? You are at an age when serious relationships often turn into marriages, are you wanting more than your occasional contacts and are you ready to seek it? It seems that one or both of you are fine with maintaining things as they are?
*You "trust him a lot", but what does this mean? Is he supposed to have an exclusive relationship with you? Or is he free to date others? Being in such a long distance relationship doesn't really provide a lot of satisfaction for either of you, I would guess?
*As for the girl on Facebook, open communication between you and your boyfriend is recommended, and you should feel free to ask him about whatever may concern you, including how he feels about the other girl, as well as his desire to be exclusive with you...or not.
*Given the long distance nature of your relationship, given that there is no mention of exclusivity or any kind of future plans, or committment, I think you are expecting a lot from him and that its pretty unrealistic to think that he wouldn't be open to dating others.
*Overall, do not delude yourself into believing or expecting more from him. If he were serious about being your "boyfriend", he would not be so apparently comfortable with keeping things as they are...long distance. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hello advisor,
Hope you're doing good, I am 21 and in recent days my life is like hell, nobody want to understand me. When I started talking about my problems to friends and family they don't response about it. I am a shy guy. last few months my friend's relationship was going to be finished but I handled it and saved it but that friend is now ignoring me and he always faults me and he never give me priority. I just want advice what should i do for my self-improvement?
Thanks (link)
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Hello, It seems you are concerned about problems that are undefined, but when you reach out to others, they don't respond in a supportive manner. You would like some "self improvement" and you are on the right track. The biggest clue you gave is that there is a pattern: wherever you reach out, people don't seem to want to hear about your problems.
That's pretty normal. People usually want to avoid feeling turned off or overwhelmed by someone else's problems.
What I would encourage you to do, is to seek counseling with a licensed , professionally trained counselor. Most communities offer sliding scale resources, which you can find either in the reference section of yhour local library or on line.
After a few initial sessions, the therapist will likely recommend both group and individual cousneling for you. In group therapy, you'll have the chance to interact with others, get feedback and help in a supportive setting, while also helping others.
Counseling can help ! And then, you can take what you've learned, plus how you've grown, and apply it to "the real world" with your friends and family, hopefully , with successful results.
You are young, and there is time for change and growth. Good luck to you, Dr. Stephanie
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How do i give my self a bruise no makeup and quickly no makeup and also i wanna know how to cut my eyebrow and leave a scar in the most painless way i wanna know pls answer 🙏🙂 (link)
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You are asking the wrong question. The right one should be why do you feel you want to do this? Its a signal , clearly, that there is something wrong with your emotions and that you are in need of talking with a licensed therapist about the underlying feelings you have and what to do about them. Most communities offer sliding scale counseling, or if you have insurance, you can have it covered. You can find the sliding scale resources in the reference section of your library, under "Helping Services", with the help of the librarian. Or, check the internet, yourself. Do not put this off. Do not decide not to seek help. You can be happier and more at peace, if you do this. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Can somebody please tell me what to do! I'm only 13yrs old and I'm having a lot of white hair! I know it's because I always keep my hair up when it's wet, but now, I don't know what to do to get it back. I don't want to dye my hair, because it'll kill the hair cells. Someone help please! (link)
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Keeping your hair up when wet has nothing to do with the cause of this...but you should see a doctor about it. Tell your parent that you have this problem, if they don't already know. Its unheard of for someone your age to go grey or white ! Could be a nutritional deficiency...or sign of some other medical condition that will require treatment. Don't put it off, please?
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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I am 27 my BF 27.
I am in a long distance relationship for five years. We see each other 2/3 times a year. My boyfriend is very caring and nice. And off course I trust him a lot.
A few months back a saw a girl commenting on few of his post. and by her comment it seems like they chat sometimes. She always reacts with love react to his post. and sometimes comments praising his singing.
Now my BF has other female friends, they are his classmates and colleagues. And I am not insecure about them at all. But this girl is not his classmate or colleague.
Now I am not saying that he is having something with her. Like I said earlier I trust him completely. But I don't know why I have this weird feeling that the girl has a crush on my BF and she is trying to impress him. Should I do something about it? It is bothering me a lot. I didn't ask my bf about the girl yet. Should I ask him? How can I ask him? or should I just ignore it?
BTW we don't share our couple picture online or post anything about our relationship online. As me and my BF both are very private person. Our close friends and family members know about our relationship. But we don't showoff online. (link)
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Not only would it be fine to ask him about the nature of his relationship with the "other woman", but its entirely appropriate to do so.
You don't need to be so timid or hesitant. However, having said this, I would also stress that your long distance relationship with direct contact "2/3 times a year" is hardly what falls in the category of "boyfriend/girlfriend", despite what you call it.
You may trust himn conmpletely, but there has been no promise of exclusivity, no engagement, no permanent relationship mentioned...and in other words, this is hardly a boyfriend/girlfriend thing at all.
Long distance relationships are notoriously temporary and lacking in commitment or even meaning. It is also quite normal and understandable that he might wish to engage in relationships with women closer to home, and with no need to keep things hidden.
So in sum, my best advice to you would be to lighten up on the "seriousness" of the relationship, and perhaps to even seek out those who live in your area for dating. I would anticipate that this "relationship" , if it lasts at all, will remain as superficial as it now appears to be. Do not limit yourself, emotionally or otherwise, by reading into it more than it really is. Electronic friends
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me. I'll give one example.
So recently me and my mother went to the grocery. I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, (since some places are now allowing for masks off). Before we even left the house, I had my mask under my nose. Since it's been a year that people are required to wear it out, I often times forget im even wearing it as I've become used to it. Next thing I know my mom is screaming at me to take it off. Calling me names and all types of things. I just try to tell her its not a big deal and its just a mask but she gets even angrier.
She continues to yell at me in the car until we arrive at the store. At this point im crying my eyes out because she won't stop yelling. She leaves the car to go inside the store and I stay inside to calm down. Then after 5 minutes or so I go inside. I'm forced to wear the mask under my nose or else she'll start up another fight in the middle of the store, yet she still does anyway.
I tell her a couple of times to stop and speak normally to me like the human being that I am, but she ignores and goes on about how the mask is a "dog muzzle" and how much I look like a "psychopath". She knows I have social anxiety yet she says this anyway.
(Not to mention 95% of people in the store are wearing masks)
Anyway, it ends with my crying in the middle of store begging her to stop talking about it. But of course, this makes her angrier. She tells me "I've asked you normally in the past to take it off but because you didnt listen I have to do it this way now".
I cried all the way home and then had a talk with her once we came back. At the end, she said "You have a pretty face I dont want you to cover it with a mask." As if I'm some type of trophy for her to show off.
I'm ashamed as a 22 year old that I've let this affect me to the point of crying. She's done many things like this was just one example. I'm not sure how to deal with this chaotic behavior and could use some advice on how to deal with it when it happens next time.
Thanks. (link)
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If you were 13 or 15, I'd have a completely different answer for you. But honey, you are a full fledged ADULT at 22. Are you still living with your mother? Why?
If this is how she is, its time to fly the coop ! Not only can she no longer control your life and choices, including whether to mask or not, (unless you continue to LET her!), but she's way off base, if not emotionally imbalanced, to avoid masking and to demand that you do the same, in this most perilous of pandemics.
How do I put it politely? Your mother is a nutcase !
At 22, no one can tell you what to do unless you are willing to let them. I suspect that its not only about masking, but that there has been a long and detailed history of being over controlled by her, for both smaller and larger issues, as well.
If you are still at home, think about how and when you can leave. Meanwhile, if you refuse to engage when something like this happens, she can only argue with herself.
Start acting like the independent adult you deserve to become. If you act like one, others will treat you as such...with the possible exception of your mother !
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I am in my early thirties. I was born with a super fast metabolism. It didn't really bother me when I was a little girl but I do remember people commenting on how much I ate.
In high school I noticed it much more and in college I became self conscious and even a little worried. I ate so much more than everyone else and everyone thought it was weird. I did a lot of athletics in college and I ate around 7000 calories a day. People would ask all kinds of questions and some people thought I had an eating disorder. It was really annoying. I talked to a doctor and a nutritionist about it but no cause was found - the same as with my family doctor growing up.
One thing people used to say is that one day my metabolism would slow down. It probably has a little, but not very much. I still eat 5000 calories a day and if I do any sports or anything strenuous my appetite pops right back up to college levels.
I have learned to accept this as how I am and I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but sometimes it still does.
A couple of weeks ago my three old roommates and I spent 3 days at one of my friend's vacation house in the hills. For breakfast I ate more than anyone else and they noticed. Then we went on a long hilly hike. My friends all packed a sandwich for lunch and I took three. When we got back 6 hours later I was having hunger pangs. We ate dinner early and I ate at least 2x what anyone else did. There were comments like "Oh! hungry Rosemary is still hungry!" etc.
Around bed time my stomach was cramping and demanding food again. I finally told my friends I needed a snack and they watched me finish the dinner leftovers and some fruit, about as much as I ate for dinner before. They all sat around saying things like: "Now I remember why we never had any food in the house", "I can't believe you still eat like that!", I have never seen anyone who eats like you", "I'm still stuffed from dinner. Are you really hungry?", and my favorite: "You should see a doctor just to be sure".
This is very annoying and embarrassing. I have seen the doctor and I know my metabolism is weird. I hate feeling my stomach getting hungry at a bad time. I can't help it or stop it. It make me feel weird and abnormal. I don't want everyone talking about it. I am just HUNGRY and I need to eat.
I know they're not trying to be mean at all. It doesn't bother me as much as before but it still brings back memories of awkwardness and feeling somewhat abnormal.
I still want to find a cause of my metabolism and I would like to know if anyone else has this problem. There have been much more embarrassing times in the past but this still bothers me. I don't also know how to handle the situation. (link)
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I would be curious, as to whether you are maintaining a normal weight or not. At 5'10" and 150-55 lbs, are you in the normal range? It seems so, at first glance.
You are concerned about think, but it seems to me that you should also be more focused on whether you have any kind of physical imbalance that requires further diagnosis, possible treatment, and that could even worsen without it.
So, I would recommend that you consult an endocrinologist, if you haven't already done so, and if you have, perhaps seek a second opinion.
Your situation may be "normal" for you...or not, and its the "not" part that you should be ruling out, at the very least.
As for your friends, either they will accept you and respect you , as you are...or perhaps take a back seat while you seek newer and more tolerant friendships.
Good luck and good wishes,
Dr. Stephanie
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I am 32 year old female and I have been talking to this guy I met online for about a week now so today his supposed girlfriend texts me from his phone and says this is Justin's girlfriend. I responded back and said I am sorry I didn't know he had a girlfriend and said it wouldn't happen again and I blocked the number. Did i do the right thing? (link)
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You probably did do the right thing. But, you acted with very limited information. If you had confronted Justin and asked for an explanation, it may have shed some additional and meaningful light on the matter.
For instance, could it be that she is an old girlfriend he no longer is involved with? One that is trying to hang on to him?
Could she be someone who would like to be his girlfriend , whether he is currently seeing her or not, or seeing her just as a friend and nothing more? Is she just clearing the deck to give herself more opportunity?
Is she delusional? Anything is possible. In addition, it may well be the truth, and if you were to talk with him, you just might find that he is witholding information and two timing his "girlfriend", you really don't know.
I would at least have brought the matter up with him. But keep in mind that you have only talked with him for a mere week, and probably haven't even met him in person yet, so there is little invested , anyhow. And how did she get your contact information , by the way? The mystery continues.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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How can I befriend someone who doesn’t know there worth and would rather be around phony people?
I have no idea where to start with this so I’ll just start from where it all went up in flames…the pandemic. I was in ninth grade when we first got quarantined and i had or was building a bond with someone who I felt was worthy enough to become the closest with but then a new school year started and I went completely online, the only times we saw each other was at testing(the only days where I was required to show up to school in person)and at that point I had no way of reaching out to her and cherishing what was left of what was being built before the interruption. So when I started my junior year 2 weeks ago I was excited to come back to in person school and become friends with her all over again until I noticed a few things about her that would complicate building a friendship again. So back at the beginning of the pandemic I started to realize that a few of these girls that I would associate with pre-quarantine should be cut off completely because they had bad traits that I would be damned to surround myself with again, and so I did just that. But what I didn’t know when I went back to school is that the person I wanted to become friends with again must’ve become closer to the worser one of the bunch, I mean that’s what I get from watching the way they interact. Here’s my problem with that, the people she surrounds herself with are horrible to her they make jokes about her when she leaves the room or isn’t around, talk about her appearance or clothes, and constantly upset her but she continues to brush it off and be super nice and forgiving to them. On the other hand, I see myself to be one of the most genuine people who wants the best for her but she won’t initiate conversation with me as she does with them, she literally walked right past me to sit with them just the other day it’s like I’m suddenly invisible to her, am I supposed to extend myself to her or do you think she would’ve already initiated a conversation with me if she wanted to? I want this to work so she can at least have one genuine ally, it’s clear to me she has some issues surrounding self worth but she doesn’t deserve this😕 (link)
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You are a bright, articulate young woman, who needs to associate with like minded individuals, who are on a similar level of maturity and mental health. From your description, your friend doesn't fit the bill. Further, she avoids you, despite your best efforts.
You can, since you care about her, share with her the concerns you have and hope that she takes them to heart and seeks to do something about the problems she is experiencing, or the growth she needs to make. You can even suggest counseling, if you think that might help her.
But I am for you taking care of your own well being and health as your topmost priority. And that may mean making new friends, and staying away from those who aren't as emotionally mature or as healthy as you are.
Its normal for people to move on and to make new friends, as they grow, since people do grow apart. If she were different, you might have had a friendship that could have lasted for many years yet to come. But from what you described, I'd say stay away from problems and problem people, there will be many others with whom you can develop and keep strong friendships.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Does that mean all the suffering I've faced is now invalid because he has adhd?Are my feelings now just not justified because of his adhd?What can I do to help him?By the way he doesnt know that I know of his adhd.
(link)
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You didn't describe how he "mistreats" you, or what your ages are, but: I am a retired therapist with expertise in diagnosing and treating ADHD, both in children and adults.
I can tell you that ADHD does not give anyone a green light to mistreat others. If this is what's happening, it has nothing to do with the disorder, and everything to do with the person's personality and emotional issues.
If you are a victim of any sort of abuse, emotional or physical, my strong recommendation would be to end the relationship, pronto.
If you want to help him, however, you can inform him of your awareness and discuss whether he is receiving any treatment or guidance to deal with both the ADHD , as well as how he treats others.
Among professionals, the commonly preferred treatment is a combination of medication and teaching behavioral coping skills. In addition, if you or he go on line, there are organizations dedicated to advising and supporting people with ADHD and their families, loved ones, etc., and plenty of books to read, as well.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Hello. I am a younger sister and my elder sister is 3 years older. We are in university. My sister is friends with these two girls (let's call them x and y), they have been close friends since grade 8 and up till now.
2-3 years ago X and Y moved back to their home country (They live in the same country, different cities) and now my sister chats with them online, video calls and texting. My sister has been diagnosed with slight depression and she wants to put on a brave face all the time. Every time she seeks comfort from X and Y, they say things like "well, I have it worse since my mum did not want me" or "at least you did not have to commute going to university. You do not know what it is like."
They dump their trauma on her and she is left to console them instead.
My sister does know what it's like to carpool and she had to travel by 2 buses to go to her university every day for 2 years. She does not say this to X and Y.
The problem is that they are aware of how my sister has self-esteem issues and they know she is not made of steel but still I have never seen them sympathise with her. They always bring in their problems when my sister wants advice. When they do not feel like explaining the advice, they reply to her texts with "hehe" or something stupid like that.
X and Y are also close friends and my sister had a rough friendship with Y in high school. Both of them were immature and growing but they have gotten over it, my sister feels guilty and has apologised many times and so has Y. But still, sometimes Y makes comments like "wow you were a monster back then. (regarding my sister's anger issues that are now resolved" or "I am still scared of you ahaha!"
My sister showed me the texts where she had texted how sad she feels after our relatives called her bad names and X ignored that and only sent a celebrity picture captioned "isn't he cute?"
My sister did not even know who he was and was unsure if she should ask because then X would get mad at her for not remembering. Y got mad when my sister said I introduced her to a game. Y scrolled up all the way to messages in Jan and shared them saying "see I said it first not her." Whenever my sister calls them out on their bad behaviour, they tell her that she's wrong and that she is too sensitive and that she twists things and in the end, my sister is always the bad guy.
When my sister watches movies with her university friends, X gets mad saying she does not spend time with her, but every time they scheduled a movie, X falls asleep or always chooses the movie and gets upset when my sister tries to pick or just says "I have to take care of my brother." or any excuse. Back when we were teens, she texted X and X hadn't replied for hours. Randomly, I asked her (with no ill intent), why X hadn't replied and my sister said "oh. she just falls asleep."
I hate to see my sister being frustrated with the people who are her friends. we moved a lot in the past years so most of my friends are online and I know how hard it is to make online friends (I have friends from pc games and such).
My sister, X and Y share so many memories together, I do not know what happened. I want to know what to say when my sister comes to me to tell me the things they said about her, her personality, how she has never been able to fit in. They make silly taunts that affect her and she tries to act like she does not care.
I want to know the word to say to console her. I know I can not fix this friendship but I want to support her.
so sorry this is long, but I would appreciate some encouraging words to say to help her out. (link)
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If your sister has been "diagnosed with slight depression", this suggests that she has been seen in counseling. She should continue, both to deal with the depression, and there, she can also discuss and explore these relationships that aren't particularly healthy for her.
All you can do is express your concern and encourage her to see her counselor about this, or to find one.
She and her on line friends go way back, and it may be that she doesn't want to move on for this reason. But it sure sounds like she needs to do just this. A counselor will help her through these changes and growth.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I'm 41/m. and for years, I've had this nightmarish condition of bleeding from my junk from getting aroused. I don't even have to ejaculate. NOPE, just some blood in my junk causes bleeding, most of the time. The urologist just plays it off as benign and "you'll be fine." But if I can't even get an erection without bleeding, how the hell am I supposed to ever have sex again?!?!??. And the doctors say "no big deal, go home". Let alone sex..., can't even clean the pipes once in a while! It generally doesn't hurt. But what hurts 10000 times more, is that I can't get my jollies, mostly, ever. And , that fucking kills me Psychologically. At this point, I'd be better off being impotent. I could understand some super old dude having to deal with this, but I'm 41. I should have plenty of "plowing" years ahead of me. BUT NOPE. I'm fucking cursed! And its really taking
down a dark, suicidal road. Why do I want to live with a literal fear of getting aroused? I'll wake up with a boner and I'll do what I can to make it go away and pray that there won't be blood when I go pee. This is what my life has been reduced to. I'm having a real hard time with this. I just dont know how I can handle this. I can't afford a psychologist. Meanwhile, everything else is going great in my life, obviously I can't have a girlfriend. but, finances and my living situation is pretty good. Long story short, the thought that I'm gonna have to be celibate for the rest of my life just kills me. And by celibate, I mean, I can't even "get off" without bleeding out of my dong and maybe a trip to the hospital if its bad enough. So, yeah... why would anyone want to live like this? Is there really anything else? Yeah, it sounds shallow. "help others" etc... I can't really think about much else besides how worthless I am and how I'd be better off just dying. If my body is so fucked up, I can't even get off once in a while. Which is a damn shame because, I've worked so hard to get out of being fat, and now I'm actually fit, and NOPE, God just said a big "FUCK YOU, YOU WON"T BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!" I really feel like a worthless pile of shit. I know I'm not a bad guy or anything. But this problem FUCKING KILLS ME! Doctors all tell me "its fine, you'll live." Easy for them to say, since they're not experiencing this. Anyway, Not sure what I'm looking for here. Some kind of insight or advice? I really wouldn't know what to say to someone with this problem. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. (link)
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Re-read "Solid Advice 4 teens" answer, I couldn't agree more. You need medical care that you are not receiving,change doctors and see a urologist ! You can also obtain counseling , which I would recommend. Most communities offer sliding scale or even free counseling at a clinic or training venue, you can find them in the reference section of your library , or on line.
Please do something about this, your bleeding is a sign of a serious physical problem that needs to be addressed.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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