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My husband tells me to shutup during fights.
My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We have been married for this long, however, we have been together for about three years in total. For the most part, we get along. However, ever since we started the relationship, I realized that he has a lot of unhealthy communication. I def have my own faults and things to work on, but I never come near disrespect in this relationship unless he starts it. Unfortunately, there were many times before we got married, that he would tell me to shut up when we were arguing or in a heated fight. So at first, I used to retaliate and tell him to shut up back and that he can't talk to me like that. We've had several conversations about this, he always makes me feel degraded by telling me I need to grow up, to shut the fuck up, or terms like that when we fight. Yes, sometimes I do raise my voice (SPECIFICALLY when he speaks over me, when I am trying to express myself, he will tell me to lower my voice, but because we live in a really quiet area, and he is always speaking over me, it sounds like im yelling when im just trying to speak over him-cause I never get to talk!!
Little by little, when we would make up, we would reflect and talk about how it is not okay for him to tell me to shutup, or to grow up, or for me to raise my voice. I have stuck with this pretty well, he on the other hand, has NOT.
Till today, every fight or heated argument we get into, I always feel so disrespected! He tells me to shutup, again and again. As if we never even discussed these things!!
I feel so hurt, I feel so misunderstood. I feel like I a living with a bully. I get really confused because he does all these sweet things for me, when we are good, he treats me so well! But when we fight, he turns into this horrible 2 year old that throws tantrums and acts so IMMATURE. It is so unattractive. I am 29 and he is 30 but I feel like I married a child!
He does not make me feel feminine, he does not make me feel like I want to make up, because he is so passive aggressive, arrogant, and VERY ENTITLED. He is so toxic in his masculinity, and when I asked him how he would feel if I told him to shutup, he told me it was not the same thing and that I could never tell him that.
I really feel like Im starting to hate him, hate living with him. I feel like I have been too kind. I have been too sincere, and he does not deserve me. I have no one to talk to! I dont want to talk to any of my family and friends about this because everyone is so into their own lives and I dont want to put my business out there. But I feel so miserable. We both currently do not work, and I am stuck at home with him all the time. It is draining. We moved to a different country together and it has been 2 months and my life is already difficult. I feel like I dont know what to do anymore.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my experience, if something is not addressed early in the relationship the problem tends to snowball and only get bigger.
I think communication counseling is absolutely essential for most couples because people sometimes cannot hear each other when too involved because egos surface. You need mediation. He will hear the counselor he may not hear you. And he can’t yell at the counselor, so you can get heard through a third party mediating.
If he is unwilling to go, then that is another conversation. He is unwilling to work on the relationship and your resentment will only grow. I suggest putting in some strong boundaries and actually enforcing them. Stay calm, and if he tells you to shut up, just say “I will not continue this conversation if you choose to use those words with me.” And just walk away for the moment. Come back to it later when he is willing to listen. It’s important to enforce boundaries. They are essentially just telling the other person what you will do based on their actions, and then actually doing that. It takes practice but it’s worth it when done well. They will have no choice but to respect you, or they don’t get to talk either..
But yes I think marriage or couples counseling is your only way to deal with a bully like that.
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From what you don't it doesn't sound as helpless as you may think. It all depends on if he is willing to go to marriage counseling with you. When you think of it , in school, college, we are not taught how to manuever successfully in a relationship. We are never taught so we lack the tools to talk things out and come to a compromise if not eliminating the problem completely. Some people revert to the only things they know how to do, when unhappy, going back to what they did as a child which can including yelling at a parent or sibling trying to drown them out, and throwing tantrums and such. Not all people do that. But just like you, at first I tried to reason with my first husband, stand up for myself, and what little he did hear from me when he let me, was like throwing fuel on a fire, just made him more irate,blazing angry. Since he won't let you talk most the times, I suggest writing him a note and asking him to go to marriage counseling so that both of you could gain the skills on how to have more success in the relationship. You might add in that you want to learn also how to handle things better, although it sounds like you already do better than him, but it helps when someone doesn't feel like they're not in it alone, like they're not the only problem causer. A more peaceful way I confront anyone, even if I have to make up a story about myself, but I usually have read of or know someone who has experienced such issues and draw on that for examples using 'lots of people have these problems, for example ...'
In my first marriage, it took hearing this suggestion from a friend who was a retired counselor and could already spot the issues in my husband and brought it up to me, about him getting the counseling, as in his case, it was the husband himself who had the issues even treating others sometimes almost as bad as me. My husband agreed to go but once I had gone with him initially to choose someone we both liked, he pretended he was going just to fool me because in his words, there was nothing wrong with me, just me. I overheard him telling a friend he was doing just that. That was what ended it for me and I left him. So I tell you all that so you may know that it won't be easy but he has at least agreed that there is a problem where my ex did not. And if there are any issues getting him to agree to counseling, have someone else suggest it to him, gotta let pride go here. When I first realized I had to move out and get away from my ex, I began to ask at work, a 200 employee company where I knew at least a third of the people and I asked if any had a room or even a basement area I could fix up and rent and explained my situation. I was thinking I was probably the only one or maybe one other but I lost count after around a dozen women told me they had once been in my position but did not have a room but wished they did and wished me luck. When we can set pride down, more often than not, we find others already noticed the problems, family and friends but they had been rebuked and told to mind their own business when confronting him. If people can't physically help you, it is a wonderful thing to mentally know others are rooting for you and happy when things begin to resolve. My own daughters told me how much better and happier I looked after leaving their dad. I am not suggesting leaving as your first choice, but your last, if nothing else works. At least you will be at peace knowing you did everything to fix the situation if you end up having to leave.
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