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How do I get my 15 yo daughter to stop texting this boy nonstop
As background, my daughter had been dating Carter for about a year when her friendship with another boy got between them. He confessed his feeling for her and not wanting to hurt him (according to her) continued contact with him. Carter knew of the friendship but was very jealous and my daughter eventually broke up with Carter over it. She and Carter are still in contact, but she claims she only wants him as a friend even though he clearly wants her back. She and this second boy have continued texting nearly all day and sometimes all night. I confronted her on the after hours and now I believe she just uses other apps to communicate with him at night so I can't see it on my cell phone report. My problem is that my daughter basically cheated on her boyfriend with this boy and lied to me about the extent of their friendship repeatedly. Honestly, I don't like the person this boy has turned my daughter into. In spite of this, I have offered to allow this boy to come over or for them to go somewhere together if dating is what they want, but she has refused saying she doesn't want to date anyone right now. This boy wants more and she has admitted that. I don't tell her I know they text all day because she will just start using other ways to communicate. I have tried to talk to her about the importance of getting off her phone and I get her doing things or going places to keep her occupied but I can only do so much. She is very stubborn and any approach to this directly only makes he dig her heels in more. I need a way to make her see on her own that this non stop texting relationship isn't healthy and is probably holding both of them back from moving on.
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Although limiting or stopping cell use for a while can be done, I want to point out she would find other ways to keep in touch. The title of your question is how to get her to stop texting this boy. I remind you, you are the parent and she is the minor, so you have say over what she does. If she doesn't follow the rules you decide to set for her, its the same as adults or anyone who doesn't follow the laws of this country,our state, or our city, we have to suffer the consequences. Your rules for her should be fair but also teaching her to learn balance and not go so overboard by self-regulation. The problem here is more than just her will, Mom. You will recognize once I explain that teens do not consider the consequences to their actions, can have wild crazy emotions, and have no limit on what they do. We all did that to some extent, or maybe like me, you were a goody two shoes who did not buck the rules and what was expected of you. But yes, in smaller ways, I was like that, how could I not be with a brain that is not fully mature and still in the works. Heres an article on this:
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I hope you will see that this is a normal stage for teens to go through but it is a very damaging one. Without proper guidance and help, it is very hard to gain a foothold with your teen. Yes, i am aware what it is like to have teens, I have 3 adult children now, all girls but at some point, they went through this stage. My oldest child made the worst choices, ending up in her getting raped. She is still making bad choices and has abandoned her entire family. Who knows how bad it can be. A child can lash out in anger if lets say you regulate her phone use and let her know if she can't stop using it all day and night, it will interfere with her school studies and also with her sleep, both which are very important for teens. If navigating this sounds too hard for you, I would suggest seeing a counselor with her, one geared to working with teens, and hopefully one trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, as cognitive means thoughts and she doesn't know how to curb her thoughts and ideas or to understand what is beneficial to her, whats not and why.
I don't know your daughter so I really can't tell you what will work with her. But just taking away her phone, as you might see by now, is what a parent might normally think of. However just making restrictions and new rules is not going to train our kids, they will resist, begin to hide what they are doing, become more clever at faking you out. And the bad news is that even the best Mom in the world can only be an example and her child will either accept or rebel. My oldest covered up depression for one thing and that still hurts me that I couldn't see that, even though it was talked about and I had check in with each child daily after school, and I knew what to look for, it wasn't revealed until she was much older. So you can be a great Mom and have a child with a problem or a problem child. I really do suggest taking her to see a therapist, as it would help for her to hear the same thing from the counselor and you; would say and teach her how to grow past the issue of an immature frontal cortex. My niece saw a teen counselor while she was in H.S. and for a while after graduating. She also has caring and involved parents. She learned how to grow mentally despite the fact her brain needed more time to mature and she is growing into a very fine young lady. Your daughter can too.
I will add that it isn't for you to choose which guy she should be dating. However you have the right as a caring parent to decide many things for her that you probably aren't doing. I did things wrong as a parent at times, and that is when our kids learn about how to apologize because their parent is apologizing to them when we have treated them unfairly. Thankfully, I didn't have to do that often. So, I am not having any thoughts that you are a bad parent. I know how easily it is for kids to go off track, even with good parents. But sometimes, a parent needs extra help, someone pointing out, new things they can try, how to accomplish the same end-goal but changing some of the ways you handle it to something a teen may be more open to. She needs you now more than ever. She is so tied to her phone, the first thing of concern, she doesn't set limits but is on her phone all day and night so her school work will suffer and her health will suffer too without much sleep. The dating of teens is usually not serious for long, weeks o nly sometimes, and without any goal other than having a boyfriend to be with her like an accessory in her warddrobe. So she is being typical changing on a whim from one boy to the next, not caring if anyone is hurt, (she can say so but she has no clue how to not hurt someone else by her behavior. Her behavior betrays where her mind is really at. Mom, she needs help and you need help to give the right help to her. I will again beg you to seek out a teen counselor. I don't know if the school counselors would recommend anyone. But don't be embarassed to reach out for professional help. It doesn't mean the daughter is a mental patient. Counselors are great for helping a person do their own 'tune up' of their 'thinking'. There are many ways even adults pyche themselves out, and have negative thoughts. I have met many adults, living a messed up adult life, being lead about by their emotions which do not know any self control. I am on guard and can honestly say that the attack is real, I get a negative thought probably daily. However I choose to not dwell on it and quickly think a counter thought of the opposite and something positive and that works for me to stay healthy in my thinking. I feel that most people are in the same position, not mentally ill but just needing a little direction and support and I am proud to say I too needed help at times with my kids. There are no instruction manuals that come with each child. We're all winging it basically. I wish you the best
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