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An insecure past that eating me away
Hello, I am a 28yo, Indian married woman living abroad with my husband. I had a past before my marriage. I had a full fledged affair with a married office colleague in my previous office in India. Nobody apart from my best friend knows about this. At that time, my current husband was interested in me and tried to convince me into a relationship (he was in the UK and I was in India at that time, so mostly it was a long distance relationship and he was so busy with his studies that he wasn't able to give me time regularly, we hardly spoke or Skype each other,many times it happened so that we didn't speak weeks and even months at a stretch). I was growing impatient and doubting if this relationship was going to work or not. He seemed pretty irresponsible to me.So I indulged in talking with a married colleague of mine. Now when I look back, I can understand that I was only craving attention. But one thing leaded to another, and we ended up having an affair. But as soon as my parents and my current husband's parents talked and finalized our wedding, I stopped seeing that man. But he kept in touch and used to wish me on occasions. At that time when I was losing interest in a one sided long distance relationship with my current husband, I told him everything about my illegitimate relationship with that married man. But my husband couldn't digest the fact and he coaxed me into denying all of it.I got scared about his health and denied everything I told him. Now I am happily married with my husband but sometimes that married person tries to send me messages. I have blocked him from every possible social media. But he keeps stalking me on researchgate or academiaedu (as both of us were researchers and from same field). My husband knows about this stalking. I am so afraid that he might take serious action against that married man and everything about my past that I have once told him and then denied, will spill over in front of everybody. I am not so proud about my past and want to forget it for once and all. Kindly suggest me what should be done in this situation.
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Hmm, I think I will choose the married man to talk about first. Listen closely as there is a lesson to learn here. there are many marriages where the couple is either best friends but have a terrible sex life with no sexual chemistry, or the other way around, terrific sex but enemies and hateful outside the bedroom. So if they end up just best friends, they love each other as friends and wouldn't want to hurt the other in some cases, so they secretly go out and find themselves a sex partner. Since the man was married, you can safely assume that you were his outlet for the sex his wasn't getting at home. His need for a great sex partner did not go away when you got married. You may be the only one he had for sex so that may explain why he is trying to hard to keep in touch and convince you to get together for sex. He knows you are married and not thinking really of your marriage, only of his needs, or he would be leaving you alone by now. Just saying this so you know you may have to resort to some great measures to get him to stop. Due to customs in India, and the little I know of arranged marriages, it is possible this wife was chosen for him and he just doesn't love her. I don't see anything written where your husband was chosen for you. Only that both sets of parents finalizing the wedding. To me, being part of making the wedding event plans is like planning and paying for a very expensive event, not deciding if he is a match for you and you two should marry. Sorry if I misunderstand here. You did share he was very busy. Well, so was my 2nd husband. My first was abusive and I left and we divorced. So my 2nd worked long hours delivering and driving a truck. Left for work at 5 or 6 AM and not home til 8 at night. He still had to shower and eat and then it was bedtime, but because he was so into me and interested, he found time so that if the conversation was real good, we would at least talk every night sometimes til midnight. We finally met on weekends and it wasn't until I moved in, that I had little bits of more time with him. What I am saying is that if a man is interested, truly interested because the woman sounds like the kind of person he wants to spend time with, he will make a way, find the time to at least call, write if not able to be in person. So if it was me, and my husband acted like yours, not contacting often or letting months go by, I would have given up on him and found some one else. Sorry to say that but then, I was older and wiser by time that happened, almost 50 years of age. Now we've been married 13 years because we so quickly found out how perfect each other was for us that he asked me to marry him, early on, end of first month spent together and immediately we decided to have me move in while engaged to have more time to spend together. Since what is not a big deal here and common place may be the exact opposite where you live, I have no idea what you could do. I am tempted to say you do not have a good choice with either man. The one you married couldn't handle the truth and asked you to deny it, that you made it all up? That sounds childish to me. It doesn't change the truth of your past. So I am guessing he wants the truth hidden because it would shame him in front of his peers if they knew the truth. I don't like untruths, so it is hard for me to figure out what is best for you. Basically, you either decide to pick up the pieces and live with a not so perfect husband, or make your own decision for your future no matter how much it goes against tradition, how angry it would make the parents, and do what is best for you. Unfortunately, like myself, I thought sticking with my guy, whom I got to choose myself, was the right thing. But as I got older, I began to see more clearly and realized this was all about me, not dying early from stress and the hateful abusive speech that in later years was starting to become pushes and punches and most likely would have continued to full beating to death at some point. I had to leave to have a happy life. If you can find a lawyer who isn't strictly a believer in traditional customs with no other possible outcome, then it would be good to find out what to do about the harassing of the married man and if your feelings change, and you are no longer happily married, then what to do about the kind of man you married.
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Oh my, what a tangled mess has developed. Because of your accessibility through the internet, , this takes on greater proportions. Normally, I would recommend that completely ignoring your pursuer would be the quickest and best means to rid yourself of him. But in this case, you might consider a quiet "threat" to inform his wife, if he doesn't cease and desist contacting you, permanently. You say you WERE both researchers? If this means you are no longer connected to these websites, it might be best to remove all contact with them, as well. An alternative might be to file a complaint against him on these websites. You might also wish to consult an attorney before taking such actions. Let some good come out of this, in the form of learning that whatever anyone posts on line has a way of staying there and being made available to the entire universe. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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