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Depressed in the Happiest Time
First and foremost, thank you so much for reading my question. This will be long because I need to explain the backstory so that you can have all of the information. So, may those who read and answer be blessed!
I'm 29/f. I've been struggling with some of the same issues for a while and while I have been able to get out of some of the very difficult ones, I feel like I'm in a place of limbo, ever waiting to settle and never feeling grounded in where I am at the moment.
I was abandoned by my birth parents and adopted by a set of parents who both abandoned me in some way. I was like a nice shiny doll for a time, but like a kid with a new toy, they got tired, and I was discarded. My adoption was not beautiful. It was black market and I was sold to high bidders, not prepared parents. My adoptive father was the first to physically abandon us, and my mother followed by emotional abandonment. For several years, I was a parentified child, catering to her every need. Later on, things took a darker turn. Parentified child, enmeshment, and emotional incest became my norm and my reality. My mother lost her mind along the road. At the age of 17, she began practicing dark magic and took me to a warlock, where she paid a spellcaster to molest me. As I began growing into myself in my twenties, she became violent. She couldn't bear the thought of me "slipping away." It bothered me that my peers and friend's parents were helping them navigate the adult world, while my family was infantalizing me. The violence became almost fatal. I began to hope that she would kill me, just so that I could put an end to my misery. When she didn't, I began to contemplate how I would kill myself. I would dream that I had stabbed myself and lay dying in the kitchen floor, happy, because I didn't have to worry about her or the abuse any longer.
As for the rest of my family, they sided with her. They were so incredibly tired of struggling with her, that she was passed on to me to take care of. I thank God for my grandparents. Because of them, I believe that I am alive. Had I grown up alone with my adoptive mother, I believe that I would have ended up on the news, dead, not because she's a horrible person, but because she was incapable of taking care of me alone due to her mental illness. However, they sheltered here immensely and did everything possible to protect her, even when it meant sacrificing my emotional wellbeing. When she choked me, they begged me to forgive her and not call the police. When she stole my identity and ruined my credit, they told me that I couldn't hold her responsible. So, while I'm grateful that they kept me alive, I'm not going to say that anyone defended me or made sure I was okay. My job, for as long as I can remember, has been to take care of my mom and unconditionally forgive her, even when I almost died as a result of her violence, either by her physical direct abuse or by the influence of her emotional abuse. In adulthood, we shared a house together, and it was one of the worse experiences of my life. There was days where I slept in the car because I feared for my life. This was the closest I ever came to committing suicide. I had nowhere to go, I had nowhere else to turn. I figured that I would be better off dead. I never felt so hopeless in my entire life.
Last year, a miracle happened. I was able to make a significant amount of money through a real estate deal. I was finally able to rent a place of my own.
During this time, I fell into a really dangerous relationship (This was a little over a year ago). I credit this to not really having an understanding of what a healthy relationship is like. I missed some red flags, such as love bombing and lies.
During this very difficult time, I pursued therapy. I managed to learn more about trauma and how to work on it. However, my therapist prescribed me an emotional support animal to help with my anxiety, PTSD, and OCD symptoms. I already had my dog at this point, but making him an emotional support animal helped me tremendously. Being able to fly with him reduces my anxiety greatly. I use to get panic attacks in stores sometimes and his presence reduces the risk of panic attacks drastically. Making him my ESA just ensures that he has protections under the law regarding housing and flying. Generally,in public places, they are very welcoming of him with the exception of restaurants. But, a lot of restaurants, where I live, give you the option of sitting outside. I notice that this title has provided me with a lot of assistance because I genuinely do need his help. There is a lot of controversy right now surrounding ESA's and it is because people fraudulently take advantage of this. When my dog is with me, I am far less likely to have a panic attack or engage in OCD rituals. It's really fascinating to me how incredible animal therapy really is. A lot of people go through the process of making their pet an emotional support animal and do so fraudulently and it isn't fair with people who really do use their pets in a therapeutic capacity.
Throughout my life, I have just had really bad luck with money, despite the fact that I have a masters degree and I am very good with managing money. But, it seems like something always happened that caused me to lose a significant amount of money (air conditioning broke, had to go to the ER, natural disasters, etc.) Because my mom stole my identity to support her shopping habit, my credit was very low (like embarrassingly low). The only way I was able to rent an apartment was by paying the year in full. I decided on an apartment that I felt would fill my needs. But, this was during the time that I was in the abusive romantic relationship. When I ended things, he broke into my house and wouldn't leave, to the point that I needed to call the police. Eventually, I was so scared to live there, that I subleased it. So, I am getting my money back from the current renter.
Ever since, I had been living in a studio apartment close to my job. However, the issue with this is that I'm only paying for this monthly due to the sublease. Once that ends, there's no way I could pay for it because the price of rent is so high in this city and it's the city in the US with the biggest disparity between income and cost of living. It pains me that I really won't be saving money to buy, which is my current hope. Even if I save money to buy, I can't work on my credit. The only way I can do that is by living in a cheaper place. So, I've chosen to live with my boyfriend so that I can save money and pay off some debt. It isn't a lot, to be honest. I know that once I pay off a good portion of it, my credit will improve drastically.
Financially, this is the best decision. This way, I can save that money and pay myself back, rather than continuing to waste a significant amount of money on a rental. However, I can't help but feel like a failure, to the point that my self-hate has become so strong, that those suicidal feelings have resurfaced. I feel like I'm constantly in limbo. I had my own place and twice, it didn't work out for me. Our goal is obviously to build a home together. So, we both have our eyes set on buying a place, eventually.
The problem is that the current building is not pet friendly. They don't accept emotional support animals and I'm not sure how to go about this. I have a dog and a cat and they are currently at my grandparents house. Because we are in isolation given the current circumstances, my grandparents gave me a section of their house to build an office, which is very kind and generous of them. They have like an efficiency/mother in law suite, which they told me to use as an office. So, we can go there during the day. This is where my pets spend the majority of the time. So, it is helpful to be able to go there and spend time with them. I also had a camera in my place and have that in the office so I can see them through the camera.
My boyfriend is an animal lover, so of course he would love to be able to have them here. He's not opposed to it at all and even started a petition for the association to allow pets. He lives in this complex because his parents had bought this apartment and then moved into another home, allowing him to keep this one for himself. So, I completely understand. He is not bound to a mortgage or high rental price. But, he is disappointed because he loves animals and would love for my little guys to be here with us.
The thing is, that for me, it's not just a matter of missing them. Yes, this is one thing and I'm not discounting that this is difficult. Anyone missing a loved one, whether a pet or a human, is going to feel somber. But, not having them is effecting my psychological health. I find that sometimes, I am crying for no reason. I feel like I get chest pains from anxiety, and find myself performing OCD rituals. I also find that the absence of my ESA is resulting in difficulty sleeping and increased nightmares.
Right now, due to the current situation, I am able to spend more time with them. However, I'm reaching out because I need some caring advice on this current situation. Any advice is appreciated.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
After all you've lived through, I did not expect you would be able to intelligently convey your situation and give examples rather than sweeping statements. So, I know you have a perfect healthy normal brain that was simply exposed to terrible stimuli during its growing and maturing phases as a child and teen. If it had been a loving home, I'll bet you wouldn't have RTSD or anxieties, etc. So first, don't look at yourself as defective. Its like looking at a brand new red jeep that is all covered in off road mud and dirt so you have no idea of how perfect and beautiful a car it is when cleaned off. There are layers of hurt and memories that keep the anxieties going. I was the first child, no siblings at first, no neighbor kids and so never exposed to people other than my family, I met other kids my age as I started Kindergarten. Bear with me as my personal story is something you need to hear for hope. Mom never prepared for the fact she'd leave me there a while so when she made to l e leave, I tried to leave with her and that terrified me as much as kids my own age wanting to talk to me, play, maybe tease to get a rise out of me. I never had teasing at home, It was a concept I didn't understand so I lived with extreme social anxieties until my last year of HS. Seeing a quiet withdrawn Mom compared to a socially outgoing person in my Dad, I wanted to be more like him and knew I wouldn't be able to travel the adult world without losing my anxiety. So I prayed and what God told me was the same I read much later in life like 40 years later from a psychologist turned author and trainer of mental health Dr.s in a very effective method, CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy. Since cognitive means how you brain works and thinks and how that is linked to how we behave, this therapy is meant to work with changing how we think so its positive instead of what some Dr.s have called 'stinking thinking'. I don't understand how it happens as I was like that already before school so I can't blame that as starting it but it made it all worse. I followed the advice I got in prayer which gave me chills as I found the same thing written in a book as what to do to cure my type of anxiety. It was a go at my own pace with tiny baby steps. So for my fear of people talking to me, in general, my first step was simply to look into a persons eyes as I passed them on the street and smile at them. At first, I was terrified of doing just that, so afraid they might think I was chatty and start talking and I wouldn't know what to do. Once I was comfortable with that when nothing that I worried about ever happened, My assignment got more involved. Eventually ending with my starting a conversation first with a stranger in relation to a situation we were in or had something in common, like at the same clothing rack or produce counter, at the same bus stop, etc. learning to avoid closed ended questions which are the kind that can be answered with a yes or no and stops there. I am telling you that yes, pet therapy probably works, like a bandaid to help protect you from what ever is freaking you out at the moment but its' only a help, not a cure. Every person is different so the book might help a few people just by reading it but I suggest that finding a Dr. you trust who is trained in CBT, is the best way to deal with all you have going on because you have a lot of terrible stuff in your past to overcome. So far, you are just a survivor. A person goes through something terrible, is still alive but affected by it for ever. An over-comer is a person who goes through something terrible and is determined at some point to do everything in their power to undo the things you deal with now because of the past. You're alive but living the best you can. The things that happened to you should not happen to any kid growing up and having the bad adoptions as well. However, we live in a tainted world, not a pristine perfect Heaven so unfortunately this does happen. God knows you are strong enough to take control of your own life back. It just won't be easy. If you had the pets before you signed the apt lease, that was when you should have asked your bf and his managers if pets were allowed. Perhaps you could have chosen a different place...like renting a bedroom in the home of a dog lover with fenced in yard.
Some good may come of this. Maybe you will be the one to get legislature passed with strict guidelines on what rights there are for people with ESA's. I have seen too many used it as an excuse to take pets everywhere and those pets misbehave terribly. Its not to me to tell a person to use an animal to cope or to find a way to get cured so the animal is no longer needed in that capacity because as you've found out, not everyone will accept them as the laws are missing or cloudy on the subject. Talk to state legislators. It takes someone like you to talk someone who will listen and does care to see laws changed for the better and they should be able to carry a card like any disabled person who qualifies for such parking. I don't have those issues so it can't be my 'good' cause I pick up. Most all good changes come up because of hardship or experiences in a persons life that weren't good. Right now, having your dogs is what takes your mind off everything so you can cope and not have night mares. Get as many photos of your pets, have plenty at home and a stash your carry in your purse and everytime you feel you are panicking, pull out the photos and look at them and then remember all the good memories you have of the pet. Maybe how they play with you, sense you need cuddles and snuggle up, maybe one of the cats likes to jump up and snatch flies out of the air, you know, the memorable stuff that will calm you and make you feel happier. It works because the thing that is causing the problems you have right now is the memories and how your mind is working in a not so good manner, almost working against you. There is more I am sure, I am just not a Dr. and don't have the training, just what I know worked for me. So for now immediately hopefully that will help you. I will leave you with a name and website, Dr. David D. Burns, psychologist and his website:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location) There is much to read and maybe you will find encouragement. I have read stories on there of people healed from their anxieties they lived with all their life only to finally find freedom in their fifties. I'd hate to see it take that long for you. But you will do what you are ready to and willing to and whatever doesn't cause fear or uncomfortable feelings.
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