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Moving forward on a decision that you made
Hi so I am 20 years old and I am a university student currently. I met a guy in July 2019. He was working in a small market and i had went in their with a family friend because she wanted to make a complaint about something she had bought there. While she was there she was "quarreling" with this guy who seemed really confused about what she was saying, then a guy stepped in and saved the poor guy who apparently didnt speak English. I had guessed that and while observing his desire to try to understand the problem even after his coworker stepped in to help him I wanted to talk to him. So after that day i kept visiting the market with this note i had written. For about 4 days i did this but every time i went it was close. Then i finally saw him and gave it to him. A friendship developed after this ... we talked on the phone so i can help him with English and i would meet him after work and on some days i would stop by his work to say hi ( that is when i dont have wifi ). Well one night we went to a talk and then after it finished we walked a bit and he asked to hold my hand and we held hands and he was smiling ... after this occasion and the time i showed up on his work and kept blushing i realized that he had feelings for me and well i did for him.That night i kissed him and it meant a lot to me because i had never kissed anyone before i have been kissed but it was unexpected kisses from guys that were not my boyfriend or anything ( just guys who had liked me and kissed me without permission).Hence i promised myself that i wont kiss anyone until i found someone i had strong feeling for or that i loved and i had found that guy.A few months before i met this guy i had dreamed of actually kissing the one i loved and it felt the same. I could of tell that he felt the same that night . In the morning he said he was surprised that i did that ( i guess because throughout the night when he kept watching me and getting closer i moved away out of fear).Fast forwarding he wanted to see me again and we kissed again this time long. Unfortunately things went downhill from this i had allow my feelings to suppress the problems we knew we had ... he is a smoker and i cant be with a guy that smokes especially since he has health issues.I grew up with a brother who smokes and life was hell and i hate the smell of cigarettes. Also I want to have sex after marriage and well he wouldnt want to wait.. he actually would say that we are different and that he thinks this is not going to end well. He called it off once and then asked for me back but i said no. Then he called for a favor and i met him to help him and of course we kissed again. This time i called it off and within a few weeks he had a new gf . I nly knew this when i realized his whatsapp post where in Spanish about some girl and usually they were in English ..Then i posted a pic of me and he messaged me but i ignored it ... then he posted pics of his girlfriend. About two weeks after he started texting me again then one day i was walking and i saw him and feeling came back and i stooped and said hi ... when i got home he messaged me and ask if we can go out or hang out at my home ... i said i am not sure but i would let him know when my classes finish... After thinking about it i told myself that it is best i dont as we keep going back and forth . the thing is yes we both know we shouldnt and as my friend said he is treating me as a choice because spmething happened between him and his gf so he wants to get back with me and he denies having a gf a few weeks ago. It is hard for me because as i said he was everything i wanted but we wont work because our lifestyles( i have not listed the full details just know it is a lot) are different.Part of me tells me he is just 21 and that he will mature. But another part tells me to move on ...I have reasons to because i think that probably for him it is not love since the last guy i had he compromised for me and up to this day he still said that is is grateful for help in helping him since he felt that his life is better. But i know i cant compare them like this ...Also i have reputation of keeping in contact with persons that i have promised to be there for and he is one like my other ex that i talk to. The day the current guy called me and asked for a favor was the first time he needed anything for me and he called because i told him that he can always call me but when we meet feelings arises... His dad also wants us together and this is first guy that my mum doesnt have an issue with ...it kills me but i dont know what to do ... I feel like avoiding him in person and wait to see if me would meet again but under better circumstances... Thanks for reading all this I hope it is clear ...I started to cried mid way and my thoughts were all over :/
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I would recommend you just ask to meet him and discuss everything you've said here. If you both truly want to be together then you can both work on the problems that you have. Also it's important to remember that people are replaceable. These days some people seem to think you meet one person and will never find anyone as good but it's not true there's plenty of people on this earth and you can find love more than once. Time heals everything you just got to be able to let go and move on.
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This is like searching for an address you've never been to and having no map and no GPS. I could have felt this way after leaving an abusive marriage and wondering how to find a better husband. I never wanted to doubt, make a mistake, not be totally sure about a guy and possibly end up with someone who again is not a good match due to not really being in love with me, having bad character point or simply having habits or traits I could never compromise on. If men who smoke don't make it on your list of criteria hon, then stick with it, no matter how nice or handsome a guy is because in time, it will get to you and resentment could crop up on either or both sides in time which could possibly kill the relationship. Its funny but a non smoker is what I had on my list of criteria. I have explained my experience with this as well as I could and have it as a doc to paste in so I don't have to type the answer again and again because it seems to be a prevalent one that comes up with women all the time.So here it is:
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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