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I went in with the intention of being friends but it became more
I'm sorry this is long!!! Me (F16) and my guy best friend (M16) became really close on a tournament we went on as a team and we ended up cuddling on the couch, however, he had a girlfriend. He then hit me up later and we started talking, my intentions were to be just friends but I ended up falling for him. He told me he would break up with his girlfriend but I found out later that he didn't. His girlfriend was pregnant without anyone knowing and they had a kid together. Now they live together with his Mum and she doesn't know about it and I feel terrible about myself because everyone especially girls when they hear about it, judge me hard and act disgusted with me even though I thought I was doing nothing wrong
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There is nothing wrong with point blank asking a person what their intentions are at the beginning. I say this because although its one thing to become f riends when teammates, outside of the team, unless you are already best friends or a dating couple, it is out of the usual for him to ask to see you. You already knew during tournament that he had a girlfriend. This is one of those situations where we are feeling surprised or its so unexpected we can't think of the best thing to do. Your intentions to be just a friend knowing he had a girlfriend is a good thing. I don't think I would have thought it was bad either. But I am decades older so I can say what I would do if I was young now with the knowledge I have. I know you have a girlfriend and now you're asking to see me. Is that as something more than friends or just friends? (No matter what his answer, my next question would be...) I know how jealous girls get and I also know that its possible to be just friends with the opposite sex. So before I agree to hang out with you away from the team, I need to know it's okay with your girlfriend. (Who knows what he would have said at this point. But I did the following after first meet with a guy I met on dating site. Outside the restaurant he finally broke down and told me he wanted just a sexual relationship. I had no boyfriend at the time and was looking so I thought it could work for now until I found someone. But I didn't want this to be behind his wifes back. There are such things as open marriages where each one gives their blessing for their mate to have relationships outside of the marriage. This was on my mind so I said, I might agree to that if I could meet your wife and hear from her that it is okay with her as in the open marriage concept. The guy was flustered and said he loved her as a best friend but she quit wanting sex ages ago. That he loves her and wouldn't want her hurt by the knowledge. I mentioned divorce next and he was even more disturbed, saying he couldn't afford to support both himself and the wife with alimony so he can't. I am glad I just asked because if I had accepted and later found out he had a wife, I would havc broke up with him and he would not have heard from me again.
So you see, I do have some experience with knowing how its better to just ask questions in the beginning. Yes, a guy could lie and plenty I met did about something they knew from my list on line that I did not want, I am alllergic to cigarette smoke and so would not date a wmoker. One guy cleaned himself up well. Met at a restaurant and couldn't pick up the smell, next date a walk on the beach, be ing outsides couldn't smell anything, and on a later date weeks later got a ride in his truck and it reeked of stale cigarettes. SO I asked him and he said his son borrowed the truck often and smoked. I had no reason to doubt him. But later that night, He reached into a pocket out of habit and pulled out cigarettes and quickly put them away, looking to see if I had notieed but I was looking away on purpose. I went home early with headache excuse and told him there wasn't enough chemistry when he called me later.
So yes, he withheld info from you, about having a child with the girlfriend, that he had no intention of leaving her because he had a good deal with Mom having him his girlfriend and baby living with her and being only 16, he couldn't very well support a family yet. So he was purposely and knowingly leading you on. I don't understand how otheres feel you're the bad guy but what others think doesn't matter. What matters is how you view this in tour mind, in your heart. And know that even if you had thought to ask questions, he could still have lied. So your so called male friend is a douche bag and you are just starting to see that though probably not ready to accept it. However this is a good lesaon for you to learn at a young age, that a person can seem great at first and most people do because subconsciously we want to make a good impression or catch the other persons interest. So people will put on a facade, pretend to be someone they are not, leave out the important truths, hide their character flaws, big ones, and even act as if they like the same things you do when they actually don't or even hate those things, all in hopes to catch you as their next gf/bf. I met such a guy who was okay on 5 dates so I accepted invite to dinner he would cook for me. He did what every person who is covering their real self will do, without knowing it, you let your mask slip and give the person you're trying to impress, a glimpse at the real you. THe issue is that keeping up a false personality 24/7 takes a lot of personal energy and people eventually run out of energy to keep it up even if they want to. AZ the point they feel you have fallen heads over heels in love with them and would not leave under any circumstances, they show their real self to you expecting that you will make allowances and love them no matter how horrible they treat you. That I also know from a previo8us marriage, guy fine great and fooled everyone, my parents included. He kept up the charade about 6 months and change immediately after marrying me and was a verbally abusive husband to me and did same with my family. He despised them. Just telling you to not be hard on yourself but here I was in late forties, older a nd divorced and with experiences of what the early signs of similar bad behavior in a guy would be. So he says to please excuse the mess ( his houlse was pristine) and went on to call racial slurs and other terrible things of a hispanic maid he said he had and that she did terrible work. When I saw that, I f reaked inside, but to remain safe and not let on I was on to him, I stayed for dinner and acted normal. Once home I did not call him back and when he called used the excuse of deciding I didn't feel enough chemistry. I would suggest not telling a person outright their faults that have you leaving them as you never know which could become a stalker or harass you. So if I could be fooled for about 6 weeks to sex months with ex, anyone could be. Those who judge you just haven't had the same happen to them yet. But I can guarantee this kind of thing will happen to every person throughout their life, if not for a date, husband then someone wanting to be friends. Had a 70 hr old man befriend my 2nd husband and I, pushing his friendship on us. Husband is not one to want to hurt a persons feelings so as long as all is going well, he can do it but eventually he took advantage of us and later confided he was an ex con recovered but my husband witnessed him stealing from a church. We no longer wanted to be associated with him and called police as he hunted us down by following us to our favorite places or even where we shopped where we were in car when he came up to the window and was told again we no longer wanted to be friends with him and if he didn't leave we'd call police. He took his time leaving so cops were on the way already. So yes, anyone will see this kind of stuff at any point in life like our late fifties when that happened. But the moment we saw a behavior we ourselves wouldn't do as it went against our morals, we broke off any kind of relating to him. I hopw you understand now that you are not the bad guy here dear.
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