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Friend's boyfriend didn't stop, but neither of them communicated clearly...
A friend I don't get to see very often has been going through a really rough time. Her best friend just died a couple of months ago. She told me that, before her friend passed, she and her boyfriend were having sex pretty regularly, a couple times a week. They've been dating for a few years, and went through a rough patch in the spring, but otherwise must have been doing okay, until this. She told me that he wanted to have sex one night, and they must have already started, and he was asking her whether she wanted to continue or not. She said that she shrugged at him a couple of times, that she cried, and he just kept going til he finished.
She didn't tell me whether he knew she was crying, and she never gave him a clear answer. Afterwards, his excuse was that she "never said no," but she says "I never said yes." She told me it just made her feel bad so she stopped trying to talk about it with him, and she's felt numbed out ever since, losing sleep thinking she overreacted about it.
I think this was really wrong on his part and there needs to be a very serious discussion, or she needs to leave. My other friend thinks they're both at fault because they didn't communicate clearly. It makes me angry that this happened at all, but my other friend thinking the friend in question is at fault makes me even angrier. She it followed up by telling me there's nothing I can do about it.
Is this clearly rape, or is the "poor communication" excuse valid? What advice can I give my effected friend?
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This will be long, two pages worth but it is necessary to go over all of it to keep from doing the wrong thing.
will address comments you made from the start.
So it was her best friend that passed, not his. It is her that is grieving, not him. Unless he has had opportunity in his life to grieve the passing of someone, he won't know what it is like. A person can be pretty much like a person with depression, because anything traumatic like this will use up the reserves of 'feel good hormones' in their brain and run them low or dry. That is what happens to a depressed person, those levels run low or out and depressed is another word meaning “lower than normal'. So how do you think a depressed woman is going to act concerning anything, eating, cooking, cleaning house, work, school, sex? The attention is not going to be there, Neither will the desire to do anything at all.
You also said sex was good Before her friend passed. You did not state anything happened to him that was traumatic like this, so the only change that could possibly have changed things was on her part. And that would mean the death of a friend.
Next you state that “he was asking her whether she wanted to continue or not.” I would assume this was asked at the point of kissing and caressing, foreplay. This shows a level of caring. If he didn't he would not have asked. Do you honestly think a rapist asks for permission before he takes a woman by force? No! There is no such thing as a polite rapist.
Next “She said that she shrugged at him a couple of times “ A shrug is not an answer to his question. Sorry to have to tell you this, but if your girl friend did not feel like having sex she should have said yes or no and also explained why. Put it this way, if your sex partner shrugged at you and didn't seem in to sex after you hadn't wanted sex for a while after a bad event in his life that doesn't include you. wouldn't you think that perhaps he was no longer interested in you and just wasn't telling you. You'd probably be worried about losing him, and realize there hasn't been much sex lately so even though he neither says yes or no, you proceed and have your way with him, hoping this would make your bond tighter, and you don't pick up on the signs he isn't into it.
The next piece is what I think got to you: “that she cried, and he just kept going til he finished. “ She doesn't even know if he saw her tears. It could be really bad lack of experience because from my experiences in life, the moment there are tears, it really affects a guy and stops him in his tracks, it seems to be a male instinct to know what is wrong and ask. Males know that females tend to cry for all sorts of reasons, even happiness but it frankly scares the heck out of them. So if a guy knows he is going something like breaking up that will produce fits of crying, he is more likely to avoid telling her and just stop calling or talking to her, no explanation and she is left wondering what happened. I am more inclined to think he did not see her tears, and it was probably silent crying cus if she were bawling and sobbing with her body shaking with sobs and snot running out of her nose, you bet a half way decent guy would be bothered by that, stop and ask what is wrong.
The words alone make him sound very callous, not caring how she feels. Tears and shrugs don't convery anything to a man and a young man has even less world experience with relationships so he may not in his heart mean to hurt her. He simply interpreted her shrugs the way I would have, that it doesn't matter to me if we stop or go ahead. Now my husband would s top right there and ask me what is wrong. This boyfriend did not. It may not be the problem you think it is. It may mean they are truly mismatched as a couple. He may love her, but as I found out with an ex husband, simply feeling love is knowing some basics about me and loving a few aspects of my character but it ends there and that is not enough for most people in the long run, eventually, the spark goes missing and a relationship like that ends. The other is being 'in love' which differs from just loving someone in that a person in love, will know everything about their partner, their facial expressionss and body language easily translated correctly, and can see and read thoughts just by looking at their eyes, This is a deep knowing that most people want but never experience but I was blessed enough to find in a second husband. I remember the one time he touched me in a way in public that embarassed me and later that day when he made overtures towards me, that event came back and I cried. Oh My God, he reacted with concern so quickly and earnestly wanted to know if he had done something or if it was something else. I told him I love that same attention in private but not in public
. He promised it would never happen again but the point here is, he was that concerned about my welfare and how I was feeling emotionally. Also, I did not shrug and hold anger against him, I actually explained in many words how it bothered me. If I had shrugged only, my husband would have felt frustrated, not known and repeated the action in public that bothered me. Communication must go both ways.
I have heard of a few wives who said NO to their husbands whether for a good reason or not and he ignored and forced sex on them. And they won it because they had said No. In your friends case, she did not say anything. His only crime is not being a psychologist which would also be the .same for you. So neither of you could recognize that her behavior and tears are a silent plea for help. However she needs to be willing to respond to help, help that neither you nor the boyfriend are qualified to give. She needs to be back together emotionally before she can be there for her boyfriend and the two of them work out whatever they need to or decide to split. But she can't make any decisions like that until she sees a counselor and is helped through grieving therapy. She also could benefit in some training on how to communicate and tips on that. So if you are a good friend to her, you will not suggest calling this rape as it will not help her go thru grieving fully and correctly and heal from it. It will only cause more problems with any guy she gets together with after him and a non guilty man gets a jail sentence. So now two people are hurting and neither has a chance of recovering from it.
The best thing to do is suggest she see a mental health counselor for what she is going through. I have done so once in my life, one of my daughters actually did the same. It helps to have an outside person
hear the issue, ask the right questions to get answers and again, your friend will not get away with tears or shrugs with a counselor. They don't respond to the theatrics of emotions but deal with the facts. If your friend really wants to get better, she will be truthful and willing to share how she, feels, what she really did or said if anything. If she doesn't believe you, you have permission to share this with her.
I am not trying to side with one person over another here. She may feel I am biased and will stick up for the boyfriend. His duty is also to learn what he can from books on relationships, on sex and satisfying a woman, and books on communication alone and to do this, he has to be willing to admit there is room for improvement. Schooling doesn't stop after HS or college, we learn new stuff our entire life long and I can say I am still learning things, not so much what is in college books but the things that affect daily life, learning how to understand others better and so on. Hope this has helped you. If there is much missing from what you passed on to me, feel free to write me back from my column and share so I can revise what I have answered. I have answered based only on what you shared.
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