|
I would an opinion on how to earn my parents trust to get something i want.
So my parents are very big on "Social media"and me not being allowed to have it. You know,Snapchat, Instagram. A few years ago i snuck it anyway, yes, it was stupid, and i got caught.And then i snuck it again, and then they kept saying when i would be allowed to have it. Well, today i got busted for having it, and I'm going into high school, and they said they were going to allow me to have it in high school. And i feel really stupid sneaking it now, i want to get it very badly. I really do, i just don't know whether to give up, or just ask again?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Technology category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Cell Phones?
What I am going to say, you would never have expected but I want you to understand first why you did the sneaking around behind the parents backs. Yes I understand you wanted something badly but that is the point at which depending on how we think, we either decide to still go ahead and suffer the consequences or think ahead and imagine the possible consequences and despite our want, decide not to. Yes, you have to understand the part I am talking about next as it will help to gain the parents trust, not just to get what you want but hopefully in a way that will really change your teen llfe in great ways.
It all comes down to our developing bodies. The body is going through the changes to look more adult like and during this phase the sexual organs continue to grow though they will work already now. The only thing that does not function well during childhood and teen and young adult years is the frontal lobe of the brain. This part of brain is responsible for making good decisions, judgement calls and thinking ahead to possible ways something could backfire/go wrong. No matter how much you try to make good decisions right now, the fact remains that the frontal lobe is so far behind in construction that it can't be used at all and teens rely on the back part of brain for everything, including contemplating any actions you might want to take. The sucky part is that this lobe of brain doesn't become mature and able to make its own best decisions until mid twenties, and that will seem like a long time to wait. Your parents may not even realize that what I just said is a scientific proved thing but they will remember being just like you and impaired as far as making good decisions is concerned and how hard it is to stay on the right path. I will give a link here that more fully explains what I am talking about before I go on.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Knowing that your decision making process is not yet able to be done with the part of brain made for that function, you will be impaired already. And the resulting choices and behaviors are what parents will spot as possible reasons to not trust their teen. So what can be done in the meanwhile, not only to make better decisions as a teen but to gain or regain trust and to make better decisions.
Being unable to look forward to possible consequenceds down the road is actually an easy fix but not something most teens and young adults are willing to do. It is something they can do until their own brain reacheds full complete maturity in the frontal lobe.
Ready for it? What a teen needs to do, and I taught this to my kids when they were teens, is to use their parents or any other adult they trust as a sounding board. It's actually best to get more than just the parents because otherwise you will assume they are just being stick in the muds and their opinion will always be the worst possible choice you could make. My kids used their Aunt quite often to talk to about something heavy on their minds, but they used me as well. If all the opinions you get pretty much point to the same conclusion, then taking in all that advice, you are ready to make a decision that may well go against what it is you want so much at the time, if you realize that later is better. There is a lot of bullying and sexting and other not so good stuff that happens with the use of cell phones that would be hard enough for an adult with a mature brain to handle. So forget a teen being able to handle it well at all.
I actually want to give you points for coming here to ask for advice. You are already wanting to use others as a sounding board. But there is no way to know if the advice you are getting is from someone also younger than their mid twenties. I am 60 in case you wonder.
Heres the definition of 'sounding board': A person whose reactions to an idea, opinion, or point of view serve as a measure of its effectiveness or acceptability.
Another option I taught my kids was to learn how to appeal to any decisions I or their Dad made. I knew that I am only human and sometimes might make a snap decision cus I was busy, tired, distracted and being the parent, still expected those decisions followed. Yes, I know sometimes parents do this and I knew I was prone to it as well. So I taught what I learned in a parenting book to my kids. It is called the appealing process and works pretty much the same as it does in legal court systems. An appeal is the action you take if you disagree with a decision. By action, in courts you bring in new evidence, facts, information that was not shared before or you were not given a chance to share before a decision was made. Your parents are judge and jury so You really have to be serious about this and not waste their time simply pleading over and over hoping to be obnoxious enough to break them so they give what you want. This is NOT how this process is used.
I will give an example: Shelly wants to go out on a date with Jared, a guy she hangs out with at school. They are close friends and unofficially consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend. So she asks the parents, "Jared asked me out on a date, can I go?" "No, you can't date until you are 16." Shelly talks to a favorite female teacher who is like a grandma to her. "Mrs. Brown, I want to go out with Jared but my parents said no. How can I get them to say yes?" "Have you thought about a compromise that they might say yes to? Think about what it is really that you want, like do you want the actual process of going out somewhere on a date or is it that you simply want to spend time away from school with Jared?" Shelly gave it some thought. "I actually want to just be able to be around him on the weekends, hang out together, you know?" "Yes, I do understand. So how about asking the parents if he can come over to your house when they are at home so they can supervise and make sure everything is okay. You are old enough for that because you have had girlfriends over and they have no problem, right? So it's because he is a male and you are female and they are trying to protect you from either an abusive boyfriend or one who might get you pregnant. So ask them if Jared can come hang out at your house." So Shelly asks her parents. And using the appeal process, it would go like this.
:
"Mom,Dad, I know you don't want me dating yet. I don't need to go out on a date to a restaurant or something with Jared, . . ." and here they cut her off, "We already said the answer is no." Shelly is irritated but keeps her cool and calmly says, "I would like to present a different idea to you, I would like to appeal like its done in court and present you with something. So could you please hear me out?" The parents agree. 'Okay, I understand you don't want me going out on date somewhere away from you where you can't watch over me or protect me (inwardly she cringes at saying this cus it goes against how she feels but she knows from Mrs Brown that her parents need to hear this part) So I would like to present the idea of having Jared only come over when you are at home and you can make whatever guidelines you want for us to follow. All I really want is to spend time hanging out with him like I do with girlfriends." End result, her parents talk right then and agree but they do have a rule, "If you hang out in your room, the door must remain open at all times and we are allowed to check in on you." Parents will always feel like this, it is a part of what they learned when you were little. I know when my kids all of a sudden got real quiet in their room, most the times it was because they were doing something wrong or getting into something they shouldnt, like the time My toddler swiped a clean diaper from the supply for baby sister and was attempting to put it on her dolly. I didn't want her to use all of them up when the tape wouldn't re tape any more. So I told her she was being a good Mommy. That she could have only that one diaper but not use any new ones. If the tape didn't work any more, she was to ask me for tape, (scotch tape) and I would give her pieces of that to use instead. Most times however, she was doing something wrong.
I hope this helps you understand the steps you need to go through. Asking your friends for advice is like asking your pet for advice, you're not g oing to get any because what comes from their mouths, no matter how much they want to help is not answers from a mind with a fully grown mature frontal lobe. If you do not have the best parents and they are pretty messed up people, this happens sometimes....then get advice from other adults you trust and like and feel comfortable talking to. Don't forget elderly people who still have a sharp mind. They can remember enough to give you a good opinion. I wish you the best.
]
More Questions: |