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I’m in love


Question Posted Tuesday July 16 2019, 5:17 pm

I’m in love with someone that isn’t in love with me, even though we’ve been dating for 2 years, what do I do

[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?


Dragonflymagic answered Tuesday July 16 2019, 10:51 pm:
If this someone is not in love with you, then what the heck are they dating you for? Maybe what you thought were dates, was simply something else for this person, like just hanging out with a close friend. There are different kinds of love, so a friend can love you but I believe you meant a romantic love. It isn't so much that a person chooses to love another romantically. It is totally out of anyones hands. There is a certain kind of chemistry one can tell is there or isn't if physically in the presence of the other person. This is why on line romances are only in the mind and once meeting in person, they may or may not feel desire for you, no matter how great you both do as friends. When I met my second husband on line, we both wanted to meet in person ASAP. Since both sounded promising to the other, and I knew he sounded perfect for me, I was praying, please God let there be that romantic chemistry between us. Luckily there was. Before him, I'd met a couple guys who sounded good but one was as aware of this thing called chemistry. Although we did great on line, when we met at a restaurant, we hadn;t even left the waiting area awaiting seats when we both looked at each other and both of us said,
This is not going to work, is it?" We laughed, saying the same thing but then admitted neither of us felt drawn to each other physically. So we ended up enjoying dinner without stressing out

The only difference there should be between a relationship with a best friend and a mate in marriage is this romantic chemistry. Both should have friendship. Sadly, there are married couples who are only best friends but there is no romantic love so later, either one or both start having affairs to get the sexual needs taken care of since it doesnt exist and never would between those two. The other sad example, is two people who have hot sex but outside the bedroom,, they fight, and treat their partners like crap. They either stay together because of the sex or one of them wakes up and thinks there must be something better. Yes, it is easy for one person to feel in love with another person but they don't feel it in return. That has happened to me often. The answer i gave those men was the truth, I don't feel any chemistry with you. And they accepted it fine because they knew that if I felt no chemistry, there would never ever be any romance or sex between us. Now there is such a thing as 'friends with benefits'. If your person has dated you this long and there is sex, it could be they realized there isn't enough attraction for it to work as the kind of relationship you are hoping for but only as a friend with benefits, the benefit being that both agree to sex in their friendship because for whatever reasons, usually neither having a sex partner or a sweetheart they have sex with, this is better than nothing. I actually did this myself, after a divorce, for about 3 months until I met a guy who became my boyfriend. I met one more guy later who became a bf but during that time with him, I met the man who is now my husband and at the same time, a woman from his past wanted to get back together with him, fix things, and so we both told each other.

There is nothing you can do but let him/her go to find their own mate and you yours.(or if you are real young, then other dating partners)

I would advise working on communication and choosing someone next time who is better at communicating things to you. I know something is off in communication, because it only takes the first meet up or two to realize whether there is romantic attraction or not. So your partner failed to mention this, maybe out of fear, and fear means they did not feel comfortable enough to be able to say anything to you, which points to the fact of a lack of trust or simply being immature or very unexperienced in dating and relationships. A relationship will always be a poor one or end up in real trouble or breakups if there is a lack of good communication. I don't mean asking how each others day was, but even a private and quiet type of person realizing that they must speak up at least with you. There are two reasons as I see it for dating, one for having someone to hang out with socially, someone to check out the new restaurant with, to go to a movie or a fair if neither has a sweetheart. This is dating simply for social reasons, and they may love some aspects of a persons personality but not be totally in love with them. The other is dating with the hopes of finding someone who wants to be you committed dating partner but many are hoping to be asked to marry them. The problem is in saying nothing, no boundaries up front, no laying down of rules, your expectations. I was no better when I dated a guy at age 19 and a year later married him when I was turning 20. I did not know that he was only attracted to one or two things in me but otherwise, we had little in common, and he also hd mental issues and I was verbally abused. I learned alot from that bad first marriage. Most people are too scared to try again because they did not learn what the warning signs are, and what do's and don't are important if you want to find someone to marry. I am social, I don't need a man to feel whole. But I sure like having someone to talk to and enjoy experiencing every little thing in life together, even the mundane tasks, which are more fun simply because you are both together.

I don't know if you will have questions of how to proceed in the future, but I would be happy to share with you, the important things, that i learned the hard way. But there is nothing to do but stop seeing the person you love. It will hurt the same as any break up. If you need help to stop thinking so much of them, I can let you know what to do so write me about that if it becomes an issue. If they want to stay with you but don't love you, do not settle for less. Do not marry this person. Otherwise, one or both of you at some point in the future, out of sexual frustration will start having affairs. It also isn't fair to yourself to have so so sex and romance when you can have much more. Friendship and this chemistry with sexual compatibility are the glue that holds a romantic relationship together. When one is missing, or its felt one sided, then it will weaken the relationship. If you think you can go on like nothing is wrong, think again. I've heard from plenty where two friends started out as friends, and only one caught deeper feelings later down the line. Trying to just be friends, even if you know they will never love you romantically has ended the same for each person who wrote me. Everything thing you say or do, the friend will question whether its' out of friendship only, and knowing most likely that you are still feeling romantic love and that can make a friend so uncomfortable that they make themselves scarce as a friend, or you find that pretending all is fine and giving a pat on the shoulder when all you really want is a romantic kiss. It eats at the person who feels love til they can't stand it anymore. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead and try to remain just friends and both of you look for romantic relationships. If I can save you having to experience everything I did, learning the hard way, I will be happy.

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