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What should I do to best help my brother, and not hurt in the long run?
Thank you in advance.
My youngest brother and I are ten years apart, and I'm the oldest at 20. He's recently been diagnosed ADHD, and he's obviously a little delayed and not very socially adept within his age group.
I moved out from my parents' house almost 2 years ago, and I've been realizing how fucked up our lives have actually been. My sister (18) and other brother (16) have moved out to live with our father,and my youngest brother is still living with my mom and stepfather. My step dad has borderline personality disorder, and my mother knows but looks past his behaviors and defends him because she loves him. I hoped that with the older, more stressful kids gone, life for them would get better, but if anything, it's worse.
Just the way he's dressed when I see him is enough to tip me off, but after seeing his room and the rest of their home, I'm realizing that their quality of life isn't improving at all. His bedroom is a disaster. He has a wetting problem. It reeks of urine; there were used incontinence briefs on the floor, three old mattresses stacked up with the sheets coming off, and the only clothes I could find besides what he was wearing weren't going to fit him well. Their downstairs bathroom is out of comission. The upstairs is filthy; dirty laundry on the floor, whiskers in the sink, cigarette ash in the bath tub. As far as I know, they still dont have a clothes washer, and Im assuming they go to the laundromat (my mom isn't that filthy...) The kitchen isn't the worst I've ever seen, but unswept, and gross. The closed front porch is packed with my mom's unsorted personal belongings, all boxed up. Pretty sure their own bedroom is cluttered/trashed also.
My step dad was/is (ocassionally physically/) emotionally/psychologically abusive and brother says he's been fine, but I don't know what really goes on. He also treats the dog poorly, and the dog only obeys because he's afraid. My mom doesn't want to admit to herself that she's fucked up our lives by choosing her own "happiness" over her family. She met step dad only 3 months after we left my father, and married him after 6 months. She used to freak out when he would pinch/flick/grab/swat my brothers, but normalized and excused it over the 5 years I lived with him around. I've brought up recently how his abuse effected me, and she said that he's doing better and he finally thinks he needs counseling.
Regardless, the conditions they're living in are deplorable, and my mother isn't taking initiative to teach/help my brother to take care of himself properly. I can't let him go live with my dad because our father is a sociopath with zero parenting skills, and no patience for real sibling behavior, and my siblings are toxic in their own states. I can't take him in myself because I'm neither financially nor emotionally stable enough at this point. I don't want him to go into the foster system because I worry he'd face the same or worse, and we don't have any other family who could really understand him and care for him.
Please, what should I do that's really best for him? I feel guilty for leaving him in such a situation, and I want him to have the same chance at a good life that I've managed to get myself.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
Just in my opinion, I believe maybe you can start by just talking to him. Get him to tell you what he thinks is best for him, then you tell him what you think about the situation. Or, if you feel like it, the other way around. I've had an abusive family before I was in foster care and got adopted. I don't remember much, as I was young, but I know it was pretty bad, to say the least. My biological parents were very horrible to me and my two siblings. So even if I don't remember much, I've heard stories. So talk to your brother. Think of a plan. If that doesn't work, talk to your mother. Once again, if that doesn't work, do what you might not want to do (depends): Call the police. Your brother is living in harsh conditions which are not allowed by even law. Even if your mother says that your step father is getting better, just look and pay more attention at what he is doing. Does it seem like he's getting better? Is he getting worse? Is he not even making a difference at all? That should help you decide what to do. So, worse come to worse (or if you just want to do so sooner), just call the police. This is bad for your brother and he needs help as you already know. I hope this will help you at least a little. Good luck!
(p.s. Or if you want, talk to your father and see if he can take him in. And if he says yes, talk to your mother. No matter what she says, talk to your brother and see how he feels. If he wants to go to your father (and other siblings) and your mother had said no, talk to her again, this time with your brother. Your mother seems like the person who, despite what was going on, will try to do the best for all of you. Now, if your father says no, once again, do the things I've already listed above. If you want, of course. I hope everything goes okay after all is said and done!)
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I have faced the CPS thing in my own family, oldest daughter and her umpteenth husband abused my granddaughter leaving bruises a teacher found. Not a single one of us adults are rich. I live in a van, my two sisters are very poor and both older, grandma age, our parents dead long ago and my own daughters struggle to make ends meet, one leaving state for husband to go to college and other not married and working a full job along with many side jobs to make ends meet. No one has the space, the funds or is around enough to have helped her. There is a 2nd child now with latest husband and CPS plus psychiatrists feel they are getting better but can't handle more than one. The granddaughter was given to her Birth dad who has full custody now but a conference call was set up for all relatives and we could choose anyone we know and trust to be the foster parent. One daughter knew of such a person. SHe was the one able to and wanting to adopt the toddler. However due to positive words from a Pastor whom the oldest and her husband go to his church, CPS decided to let them keep the child. However if that man had not spoken up (i wish he hadn't because they both have mental problems and refuse to take meds for it) I am sure the woman we chose would have gotten the toddler. No one sees them and hasn't for years so we can't be sure how things are really going.
All of this has made me think, If you do the searching around and find a foster family who is willing to take him and allow you in his life, they don't have to be family but you can pick someone you know will help him through recovery from living in a disfunctional home, recovery from neglect and deal with his ADHD, etc.... all stuff the prospective family needs to know. I can't say how to find out, it may be a process but well worth the time spent. I did a quick search putting in 'available foster parents for' and put the city name, I used a random one to see if anything came up. I didn't see anything other than how to become one yourself. So my next best suggestion is to make a list of churches in your city starting with those closest to you and working your way out. Ask to speak to the Pastor, Priest/Father, and tell them briefly what your situation is and how you know your brother needs to go into a foster home and CPS needs to be alerted but before that happens, you want to find a family who does fostering and are willing to take your brother. You would rather have good Godly people raising him than him ending up in another situation as bad or worse. Ask if the pastor can announce this at church and if a member is a foster parent and responds to him. I wouldn't stop at one name in case CPS decides there is a reason why they can't take the child, such as a limit in space and number of kids they can take, so try for 2 or 3 names. Other than taking out an ad or putting out a plea on social media, these are the only ways I know of that you can be involved in finding possible good people. YOu'd want to meet them and see their home, not going at the time they are expecting you but earlier to see what the place looks like when they haven't had a chance to 'make it presentable'. This is also what CPS does, not announcing their visit so no one has a chance to make everything look pretty if it normally isn't. I wish you the best and will be praying for you both.
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