I’m a girl going into 9th grade and there is this guy that i’ve liked since the beginning of 6th grade. I recently just told him that i like him and he seemed super chill about it. He doesn’t seem like he likes me. He also just got out of a 6 month relationship a week before i told him about my big crush. I want to talk to him more but i don’t know if i should or even what to say. I’m clueless and don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice about this? Should i forget about him and move on? Or do i text him and try to start a relationship?
Right now, back to awkward. I'll tell you a story of what happened to me. Instead of 'I like you' I was told 'I hate you'. I want to show you how useless info like this is when told to someone, whether you like or hate someone. My Sister had a friend Tami who was invited over. Tami had a sister one year older, Janis who wanted to come along since she had also become friends when my sister was at their house. I knew of Janis who was a year younger than I in school because I saw her perform in assemblies as part of a dance team. Other than that, I had never had occasion to be in her presence, let alone talk to her or even lock eyes and just smile. It was a big school and we weren't in the same grade. Now they are at my home and Janis who didn't know me either, hadn't realized I was Sherries sister. I passed them in the backyard but otherwise went back to my room, minding my own business when my sis Sherrie comes to me and says, Janis told me to say something. She told me she hates you and I should tell you that. ASo I am guessing its best to stay out of her way while she's here." I was shocked to hear this. What was I supposed to do with this information.Why did Janis feel I needed to know that she for some odd reason felt such a strong feeling as hate, even though we were like two strangers and didn't know each other. Was she hoping to make an enemy that day, some one she could have fun fighting with every day at school by purposing seeking me out to torture me? You may think it makes more sense to say I love instead of I hate, but the situation is the same. In your case, he's probably in the same grade so you have had opportunity to see him and cross his path. However, other than your confession to him, there was no mention of actual friendship with him, any hanging out with him at school, not even smiling and saying Hi with using his name at school. If I am correct, the two of you have never interacted as friends but due to your crushing on him, and all the imaginings you've had of the two of you interacting, you may have felt already that you both knew each other, than just a name in a class but more like friends. What you need to learn now that will help you for the next handful of years in dating, is to know that just because one person is attracted to someone, does not automatically mean the other person feels the same in return. SO just becauese you like him as hopefully more than friends, he does not like you that way. Same as Janis stating she hated me when I had no feelings of hate or liking in return. I could not feel anything about her because I had no chance to interact with her and get to know her to form any opinion. Therefore, I just shrugged off her outburst as childish and immature and if it were a bucket, it would be just as faulty, unable to hold water. Her thinking was faulty. This kind of stuff happens often when we are any age before 25. Why 25? Because by our mid twenties, the frontal part of our brain which was not yet fully mature, unlike our bodies, needed until 25 or there a bouts to be able to reason well, make good decisions and be able to see the consequences ahead of time for any possible actions or words they say or do. I was once your age and I am now a much older adult. I know I did not reason and think correctly back then either. Then lots of it is just not knowing about certain things that I lived in life by the school of hard knocks, which means I had to experience all the good, bad and ugly stuff myself to be able to learn what I share with you now. You can attempt to learn yourself and avoid learning the same way I did, or ignore and learn everything the hard way.
You yourself stated, He doesn't seem to like me, which I assume doesn't mean he hates you instead, he simply doesn't feel any chemistry with you. Chemistry by the way, can seem to be all about a girls looks because guys are visually stimulated but in tests done in a University, I forget which one, a group of people asked questions to qualify for the test were put together in a waiting room, awaiting their turn to be called upon alone to answer more in depth questions to earn some money for doing it. What they did not know is that they were being observed in the waiting area and that was the actual test. It was a test to see what men are exactly attracted to in women not at first but in the end. Sure enough, with nothing to do but sit and wait, the men approached the model like females first. This is what we call attraction, and if our minds start imagining scenarios with that person immediately, our emotions follow suit with desire. However after some time spent with the model types, the men began to drift away and search out the other women who were more in the average looking department compared to the others. They had found various reasons they did not like the women who were prettier on the outside but not as pretty inside. Some were drama queens in their speech, extremely vain and only wanting to talk of themselves or girly stuff, were very worried about their looks and felt they were anything but pretty, etc. The men had no choice left but turn to average lookers for a way to pass time. All it took was Hi and introducing themselves and from the first few words, they were already attracted to more than the outside of the other women, because of one thing. The researchers had chosen women for this group who were very self confidant. So self confidence was shown to attract men as long as the women were average looking and it had the staying power of him being interested in hanging out just with her, not the prettier girls.
I acted self confident sometimes by accident so I knew it worked. After reading this in my adult life, I began to choose to act self confident at first, then with the favorable results, I simply was self confident anywhere, everywhere. That made a big difference in how I attracted people to me, both those I liked in return and others whom I had no chemistry with, nor anything in common.
Self confidence might sound like being able to walk up to someone and tell them something like you did. What that is called is having the guts or braveness to do it. However it is not going to be seen as confidence because it is useless information to him. It is useless because he does not know you as a person and has no kind of frienship with you to base any ideas on.
If you failed to tell me that the two of you talk fairly regularly at school with him choosing to approach you first and start the conversations half the time, then he is interested. But you did not say that.
Just in case though, I must tell you that males do not approach and talk to females they are not interested in at least as just friends because they don't feel that pheromone chemistry to them when in their presence, or they are interested in the female as 'more than friends' where both feel this chemistry with each other. A guy will never approach a girl they don't like in one way of the other because it could encourage a girl they don't like to come after him and then he'd have no idea how to say no without hurting her feelings and that is something guys are terrified of, hurting a girls feelings and seeing her cry. Since guys aren't openly emotional, they have no clue what to do with that and thus if they find a girl they date is not someone they like enough to stay with, they may break up by becoming distant, sending a text to break up, or just in general avoiding her. Of course we see it as a guy treating us crappy but it is more a human nature thing as far as it pertains to males.
Should you move on in your mind? Wait until you determine if he is even interested enough to become friends. If you are not friends yet, he can't know if he will like the you inside of you, your character and personality. How did you make girlfriends? It felt so natural you didn't have to think about it. You showed interest in them by smiling at them, greeting them by name and making small talk which is maybe talking about the weather, a class you're both in, asking how their weekend went and later asking what hobbies and things they like to do, favorites of all thing, music, books movies, food, color, etc.... this is still surface stuff. Its when two people spend time hanging out, they find out the moods of the other person, their manners, their beliefs and so on. So try the smiling whenever you see him if your eyes meet, greet him by name. Pay him a compliment, like if you truly think the color of his shirt is a good color on him, ask him a question pertaining to a class you share, maybe how he did on a test, or what did he think of the substitute teacher the other day. This is small talk, but if he likes the vibes coming off of you and he has the time to talk, he may start talking more and then you have a real conversation. This is a good sign to give friendship a try. I have learned to know the difference between the feeling of excitement of a new relationships energy, nre and whether there is chemistry or not. Chemistry is what makes two people feel drawn to cuddle and kiss and eventually sex but that is the only thing missing in being friends, otherwise both friends and more than friends still have the one thing called friendship. You do not exchange friendship for chemistry but look for both in a person. this is why I am taking such a long time to train you what all the difference is and how to go about it. I wish I had someone to tell me this stuff when I was your age.
If he doesn't respond wanting to become a friend and seek you out as a friend, then he is not interested in you, move on. You will use this recipe for finding a guy to date if he doesn't work out. So how do you move on if you have to but can't stop thinking about him?
That is a big question I get often. You'll have to trust me when I explain the following which is based in psychology. I am talking of your Subconscious mind, (SM). The SM is aware of all that is going on in your life during the day, it is not only active while you are asleep. the SM is what is causing your problem combined with what it picks up from your conscious mind. So if you pick up clues that he has no interest, you need to talk to yourself, actually your subconscious as if it were another person inside of you. People can be at odds with their subconscious and if so, end up being very unhappy people prone to repeat the same mistakes over and over. To avoid that, I became friends with my subconscious because I chose to see it as another me, a different me inside, totally different from my conscious self. The SM takes in info during the day, the way a friend treated you, a hard test you had to do, your favorite dinner that night, a sad or scary movie you watched. If you show a tendency to focus your thoughts on certain things, how you felt when a teacher treated you badly, the boy you think most about, a SM will assume that it is important to you because you spend so much time thinking of it, that it will then amp up how often you think of, and help give you greater feelings than warrant the situation. If a person has a phobia, the sm plays a big part in resurfacing their fears at every turn and situation. A crush is where the relationship of the person you are interested in, is just a one sided thing, with only you aware of how you feel and the other person not knowing. If a dorky guy you can't stand in class comes up and tells you that he likes you, what would you do with that. He's been crushing on you forever and thought that telling you would make you want to date him or something? It is a shock to begin with and you don't like him or want to encourage him so you may just act cool as a cucumber, chill but not do or say anything to encourage the guy. Same as was done to you. Thats why you can't rely on it as a good sign that this guy seemed super chill. Texting back and forth is not a great way to run a relationship. Maybe at first, texting if available to take a call or ask what their plans are for the day or if you have something to invite them to, it works. But any on going conversation can not flow. When it can't flow naturally because both are waiting for each other to return a text or it goes for a long time cus they're busy before they answer, we assume they are not interested. If it takes more than two or three texts, I will just call the person who texted. Obviously they need to ask or discuss more than a few texts could handle, however young people text first before face to face or on the phone conversation. Heres a real problem why you should avoid trying to start a friendship by only relying on texting. Lets say you are eating dessert while he texts, and you state you were dishing up a second helping so thats why you hadn't texted right back. His text say, "A bit greedy aren't you?" You see that and think 'omg, he thinks i overeat, maybe he thinks I am fat'. What he meant as just a tease is taken wrong because you didn't get to hear his tone of voice or see his face to know the words were a tease. Guys and gals both like to make the person they are into, smile and laugh. If you had been in person with him, hearing those words, his light hearted voice and the big grin on his face, you would know he was teasing and your response could have been something like, Yeah I am greedy when it comes to cheesecake, always have to have a second pience cus its my favorite dessert in the world. Now he knows something about you and may surprise you with a mini single serving cheesecake to show you he was listening and cares about what your favorites of anything are. And that is a good sign. If you don't believe what I am saying watch others and when a guy makes a girl respond in laughter, watch what happens to his face, his will light up, or a big grin or it may seem his eyes change as if they alone are smiling, but its visible. I have shared a lot, all of it relevant to dating or starting out, even how to determine if someone is interested in return. If you have a situation in the future that isn't covered here but you want to learn either before or even to learn how it could've been handled better after the fact, go to my column, Dragonflymagic and write to me from there. Otherwise, I wish you the best. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
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