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Is my Husband Cheating By Secretly Texting Women?
Ok, so my husband has a sex addiction. Over 16 years I have learned to suffer, forgive, and let go. Part of our trust agreement is I can look through his phone at will. He has secretly emailed and texts women and deleted the messages and lied about who they were. (says he has low self esteem). I thought our life was going pretty well. UNTIL last week. He left his phone home by accident and asked me to bring it to him at work. Being a nice wife, I did. But before I did I looked through it. Sure enough, He had set up a kik account and was talking to a girl half his age.(26) He is 54, and I wish he would grow out of this behavior. The comments were all hidden or deleted. Well, confronted him and he said it was a girl from facebook marketplace asking about items. He said it was easier to give her more answers on kik. LMAO!! He also gave her his number to text him. I was like WTF!!! So I messaged the girl and told her to leave my husband alone..etc. Whore slut.. what have you. I believed the phony facebook thing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She messaged me 2 days later and said HE messaged her on a poker app and that is how they started talking. NOW, He is giving me the silent treatment, withholding any kind of love. He said when I went snooping "I got what I deserved". So in other words, I have to let him secretly chat with women and our lives will be calm. I'm so angry, so lost. He claims there was nothing going on as does she (lives far away from us). But isn't the end game to secretly texting women to get something sexual out of it if that is his M.O.? Sorry so long winded. Thanks in advance.
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I am SO sorry you are going through this. you do not deserve this at all. your husband should be treating you better. you did nothing wrong to deserve this do not blame this on yourself. I think maybe going to couples counseling would help. Maybe he can talk about what is going on and express his emotions to someone else. If not couples I think you should go. It might help you cope with things.
best of luck xox
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I can't say whether it is an actual sex addiction or midlife crisis or plain old cheating and not am to remain monogamous but I would suggest calling the sex addiction hotline and mentioning to them what is going on with your husband to see if this is what he is going through
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I remember vaguely seeing an episode once on TV long ago about sex addicts and if I remember correctly, it wasn't so much about keeping a conversation or an affair with one person at a time secret, but the sex addict was never satisfied, it was like any other addiction, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, gambling,etc, where the person can't get enough sex so they will have sex with a person one morning, another that evening another the next day and the let everything else go, slacking at job attendance to go have sex, not having time for grocery shopping or doing household chores because they feel they just have to have sex. I would say, that in your case, it sounds more a need for marriage counseling. You need to determine why he is doing this. If it is something entirely he is going through in his mind, like wanting to relive his youth by talking to or having affairs with younger females, then a marriage counselor will see that he is the one needing a personal counselor to deal with his issues. Dishonesty like his doesn't just show up overnight or even in a few months. You say 16 years of suffering so my guess is that this trait of dishonesty was there from the beginning only like myself when I married at age 20, I really didn't see the signs or know what to look for but a couple months after marriage I began to see a bad pattern. I stayed because of Church beliefs against divorce and partly being a loyal person. In my case, there wasn't affairs but he was verbally abusive and plain old the wrong sexual match for me. I did remarry and found a jewel of a husband. Totally unlike the first. I am not saying this to convince you to leave him. You will only know that if your husband is unwilling to go for help to even determine if your marriage can be saved. Mine wouldn't go for help because he didn't think he was the one with the problem.
I just want to paint a picture of what it should b like as married couples get older. We are going to lose our youthful looks put on some weight, get w wrinkles and grey hairs. I made sure that this time, the man I married, didn't just say he loved me, because words are cheap and can't be counted on alone. It is the consistentcy by which a man shows the woman that he is IN LOVE with her, not just loves an aspect of her only, and thats the only way I have found to trust when he says I love you. He and I both love each others personality and character and everything about each other on the inside. The outside of us is growing older in looks. But no matter what rolls or wrinkles I have, he still looks at me after 9 years with passion in his eyes. A woman can tell when she sees this passion and interest because the eyes darken as the pupils grow larger. This can't be pretended. I never ever had that with the first one, but once I experienced it, I recognized it immediately. Your husband may love you enough for it to make him contect to stay with you but it may not be enough for him. My husband for example has no interent in having sex with other women. He does see that mens roles with any females in their life, including wife is to uphold her and what she creates or wishes to do and to support her dreams and desires, etc. Ao he will compliment women on their jewelry or something like that, while I am there. Not a one sees him as flirting or hitting on them. He also sees a need and will help like my favorite example, the old neighbor lady whose clothesline lay on the ground and he volunteered to put it back up for her. But the important thing is he doesn't compliment or help other females behind my back and it doesn't take away from what he gives to me. I will always come first to him, my wishes and desires. I am sorry if it sounds like I am bragging becuase that is not my intent. I was once in a bad place marriage wise but I did learn what was right for me. No woman should have to be married to a man who treats her as you have shared. But us women tend to find ways to put up with it and live with it for our various own reasons but none of them will ever be good enough to explain why we stay. It took hearing from God in prayer telling me, you may think you love yourself dear, but you do not love yourself 100 %. So when I asked for explanation, I was told, "Choosing to subject yourself to the kind of treatment you get from your husband means you don't love yourself fully.I gave all, a free will and he is choosing to not uphold hiss vows to love honor and cherish you so you are freed from any vows you made. If you stay, you will die from the stress, if you leave, you will live much longer."
Since I was already experiencing stress related health issues such as daily headaches, a few migraines a year, rashes all over the body, stomach ulcers, etc. I knew it would get worse. I chose to live. Hopefully, if both of you can see counseling, there may be a chance for a future together. But you can not drag him against his will, he has to want to go. He may not think you are serious if you want to go this route, simply because you've put up with his shenanigans for so long. So you may have to simply separate and let him know he has so much time to turn around and agreed to go to counseling or if he doesn't care, it could mean instand decision to divorce.
Typically, men like yours, do not really love a wife as they should. Maybe training is all thats needed. But without any consequences to their bad behavior, and I too am at fault, allowing an ex to treat me poorly for 2 months shy of 30 years, a man will not learn to act any different. Their male friends get away with it, why cna't they. There is no sense of what is right or what it is like to be a good trustworthy man worth having at all. In ending, I will post a list that I revised by adding to it but the majority was written by a male for females to help them understand males and how to know when a man reallyy loves them, giving what a males behavior is like when he loves. There is a tally at the end for how many are true for your man, to see how much he loves you or how little so it may help make it easier to know where you at least stand and whether its worth trying to save or not.
Here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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