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How can I learn to calm myself down and not put our engagement at risk?
To make a long story short, I come from a low income family that could barely provide for me. I'm 24 and engaged to my fiance who's 28. He comes from a wealthy family and is supporting 80% of our current bills with no problem. We just moved into our first home together (renting) and it is close to the home of my dreams. It's more than I saw myself perhaps ever living in.
However, my fiance is very arrogant and has a giant ego. He wants to get his way and can be aggressive about it. He never cusses at me or hurts me, but he does yell and threaten to break up with me if he doesn't get his way. For example, we were furniture shopping for the new home and it wound up turning into an argument because we could not compromise. He said every item in the home should be to his liking. I disagreed and said it should be half and half and he needed to be okay with me having things that I like even if he doesn't since I'm okay with buying things only he likes. Well I lost my temper and yelled at him first after his rebuttal, cussed at him, took my ring off, and locked him out of our bedroom. The argument went on all day and he threatened to leave me and kick me out. We wound up eventually talking it out and he put the ring back on my finger before he went to sleep and said he would take me on a day vacation later this week.
Now that he's been asleep for a few hours, I've had time to think over what happened today. This might sound sad or greedy, but I honestly cannot afford to lose him. I looked at studio apartments and I can't even afford those on my own income. I already work 50 hours a week and can't work more because I'm also a FT student. I need to graduate so I can eventually earn more money and maybe be able to support myself. My parents cannot afford to take me in especially since I would have to quit my job to move home. I also need to maintain this relationship not only for me, but for my family in case they need to move in with us (we have plenty of extra rooms and space).
He's not the worst guy ever. He says he loves me and of course I love him too. I do a lot for him to make up for not being very financially supportive. I try to make his life outside of work as easy as possible. He's never abused me. It's just hard when he's yelling at me or telling me I can't have things. I grew up my whole life being told I can't have things so this is a big trigger for me. However, I need to get over this and face that if I want to continue living like I am, I need to just let him have the things he's solid on. Even my mom says I have the dream life right now, working, going to college, and living in a big home with a "rich" fiance. I feel so stupid when I think about how I've compromised this in the past. I need to learn to be more submissive because without him I would have nothing and I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.
How can I learn to be this way?
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Well, if you don’t want to get out of the relationship, I can’t stop you. Though, something tells me there’s still hope for this guy. You don’t seem like the type to rush through your judgement of a man’s worth too soon. You have a much longer description of your situation, complete with the pros and cons. You’re too rational not to have some point around this.
Anyway, first thing’s first is to try to learn how to calm down in an argument. Even if it’s his fault, you don’t have to stoop down to his level. Learn to find other ways to release your own anger, whether it’s in venting to a friend, a blog or a journal. Exercise to release frustration or google relaxation techniques to learn how to calm down. Calming down yourself really helps him trust you over time.
And if that still doesn’t work, well, you know the risks.
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When a couple is married, no matter what each earns, how rich or poor, it belongs to both, no matter who contribute the most. So even if you never earned a penny while married to him, if you were to divorce, though it varies on the amount of time married state to state and other factors, you could be receiving some kind of alimony, so you'd have to check. The reason I put this first is because it takes a while for a not so great situation to wear on you.
This may be your first serious relationship and like me, you are the lower income. I know what it is like to be in a situation where I had to put up with not being treated nice at all just to have a roof over my head and food to eat. So I spent 30 years with a man who was verbally abusive. Before marriage, I had no idea when he told me where I would go with him, what place I would eat at and what I should order, etc, that he was making decisions for me. He never abused me physically except some pushing at the end of our marriage. However, I suffered what one calls 'emotional abuse'. I didn't see it that way when I was younger so I can't fault you for not seeing it either. I will add in a list I added to from a man on line who gives advice in videos to women so they can understand some basics that ALL men should have. This one is about discovering if he loves you or not or how much. As I said, I will put it at the end.
You want to change yourself to be right for him. I did the same thing. It doesn't work. It might be a short while, as it did for me but hubby was not satisfied for long with any one thing no matter what I did. So when he complained of how I set up the kitchen, how the cupboards were organized, just to have peace and no name called or yelling, I was willing to do whatever he said, pretty much what you are going through. I changed things around and was excited to see if he liked it. He did not and called me all sorts of vile things, like stupid, a useless adult, an imbecile, very disappointing. I took it and even apologized, this again to attempt to keep peace. Promised to redo it. Did he like what I redid again? NO. So then I made a diagram of all the cupboards and asked him to write down for me, where he wanted things to go and said I'd follow it explicitly. I guess he forgot about his list. Even after I followed his written instructions completely, he looked at the cupboards and started yelling at me, calling me hopeless and was he going to have to do it himself cus I was so incapable? I showed him the note with his instructions and told him he couldn't blame me this time, that this is how he wanted it so if he doesn't like it, he can blame himself. But oh no, no matter how unreasonable he was, he still was not satisfied, so I began to let things go in the house. Why work so hard only to have him be critical and yell? We had 3 girls who got to observe how he treated me. There were occasions when they were teens when he would be totally unreasonable, not listen to them, argue with them like he was their age, but mostly, be totally unreasonable. He did that once in front of a couple we knew where the guy used to be a counselor and he talked to the husband that he has observed many things, that are not right in his behavior and suggested he see a counselor. He did go but I overheard him telling a friend, he was going only to fool me. He still didn't think there was anything wrong with him, only me and so he was not going to apply himself at all and get better when he doesnt need to. That's arrogance and actually knowing deep down that something is not right but if you ignore it, and deny it, no one will know the difference. SO people like this will deflect and blame the other person. Its a common manuever that psychologists see in people like my ex and your fiancee.
I had a lesson to learn in life. I am a believer in God and prayed. One day, I finally heard clearly from God about the verse that says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Then He explained that I was doing the same as many did, see the word 'neighbor' before the word 'self'
and automatically think I had to love my neighbor, or any human before I loved myself. God said that is wrong. I was told to picture a garden hose with a leak in it, a kink in the hose and something blocking it at some point. Now try to see love as a liquid trying to travel down that hose to shower whomever with love, like your neighbor, spouse, etc. You know its not going to happen. You have to think of loving yourself first I was told. Until you love yourself fully, you won't be able to love others and them wanting to receive your love and to give it back. My response was, "I love myself" And God said, Yes, you do to a certain percent, but not 100%. The reason why is that you have made the choice to subject yourself to being ruled and controlled by your husband and treated badly. In that one part, you have failed to love yourself fully. I answered, but I can't leave him and divorce, the church says You are against divorce. To which God said, If you remember your wedding vows, a serious promise made to each other, you have held up your half but he has broken almost all of his promises in the vow, so that renders his vows broken and null and void. So you no longer need to honor them. So you do have a choice, to stay but you will die some time down the road from the stress, or you can leave and live a happier life. When it hit me that the stress of living with an unreasonable man who couldn't be satisfied and didn't even really love me, would kill me in the future, I believed it because the stress has to go somewhere. I'll bet you are feeling some of it already with feeling you have to stuff your responses and just let your guy have his way. Stress goes either to your mind, affecting you mentally or emotionally, or it will manifest in physical ailments that are caused by stress. I had them. Headaches almost every day, migraines about 4 times a year, stomach ulcers, over all body rash that was itchy as well. Cancer and heart attack runs in my family and stress does contribute to causing those too. So I wasn't going to take any chances, as I wanted to see my daughters married and become a grandma. The reason I tell my story is because it aligns with your situation quite a bit. Although my ex wasn't from a rich family and we were just middle class, he did earn most the money in the household and when we had kids, he said I couldn't stay home with them, because he needed my little bit of money to help with the budget and bills. He on many occasions showed he cared more about money than actually me. Oh yes, He said he loved me too, just like your guy, but words are cheap. Words don't prove anything without any action behind them. I could say to someone that I am a Christian but if my actions did not prove that and went against it, then my saying I am one does not support the statement. Same with professing love. If the actions of the person don't support their profession of love for you, then their words are meaningless and are not true. Having been through enough of this stuff in my past, I can see in what you wrote that he may love some aspects about you but he most certainly is not in love with you or he would treat you better. Keep in mind if you ever have kids, even in a divorce, you'd still have to deal with him. Also, you don't want your kids damaged but being reared by such a man. All my kids exhibit their own issues with marriage due to what they witnessed between their Dad and I. I wish I had left him earlier for that one reason. I don't think you are ready to do that yet either. You will marry him and be miserable the entire time. Resentment will slowly build and make it even harder to keep going day to day, letting him have his way, and pasting on a fake smile. I can see in looking back that I wasn't happy by looking at my photos, I looked harried, worn out and unhappy, even though smiling for the camera. I first left to go stay with friends out of state when my kids were out of the home. I away from the husband a year when I came back and all my kids told me I looked so happy and looked healthier, I looked so different compared to how I looked when I was living with their Dad. They could see that difference. Just saying, this will happen to you too. I understand you are being forced into a bad decision, going through with marriage to a rich man to ensure your financial needs are taken care of. This is NOt an answer to prayer, this is a test for you as it was for me. I know you aren't ready to make what feels like the right choice, to drop him, and lose for now the financial security, but loving yourself enough to not compromise how you are treated, giving up what should be an equal partnership which money does not affect. I mean equal in both having a say on decisions, on picking out furnishings, etc. His money does not change the fact that he is acting like a spoiled child who is bored and can't be made happy, no matter how often he gets his way and yet he still insists on it. Not saying all rich people are spoiled. Money is not the root of evil, only the love of money, is the root of evil, when money is a factor in almost all decisions, and a person is not willing to share what they have with anyone else, not even a spouse, then they are going down the wrong road. You cannot change him. Outside influences rarely do. Change must come from the inside, as he needs to see he is the one with issues and he has to want to change for the better, remember, not by saying it but showing it in his actions. For example, my ex has had half a dozen relationship since our divorce and every single women has left him for the same reasons I did. Why? Because he has not changed and still believes there is nothing wrong with him. A married daughter and her family are now living in his house with him and can testify to that. I suggest you copy and save what I have written and save in a document on your computer or phone to look over later in years to come when you have finally had enough of a relationship where you settled for less as far as love and how he treats you. Money does not buy happiness. It does make it so there's less stress about paying bills but that is it. Just think of all the celebrities with tons of money who are living unhappy miserable lives. Some get into drugs, drinking, become demanding and start to lose acting contracts because of how they act. Nope, money will not buy you happiness. Now remember, I said no stress about how to pay the bills, but you will still have stress because of how he treats you. So you will not be able to avoid some kind of stress. The financial stress though has potential to change, maybe meeting a man who isn't rich but well enough off that you would not struggle financially and who also would treat you like a queen, compromises, is trust worthy, never raises his voice but compliments and supports your ideas and talents, is willing to share everything equally, not just money, but household tasks and so on. My second husband is like that. He will cook, clean and work. We are low income, but if he can earn enough to just cover our bills, he prefers for me to not have to work. On that test I mentioned earlier which is called, Does he love me? My husband aces every point on it. He truly loves me. here it is for you to look at.
DOES HE LOVE ME?
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.
1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you, your needs and wishes a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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