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Am I crazy and have I lost it ? I feel there is something wrong:(
I’ve been through so much in my life... growing up with alcoholic parents and alcoholic friends as an only child. Pretty much gotten 2 DUIs... and gotten in trouble for shop lifting I have to pay this class and money. I’m going to be 25. My parents are 64! My parents relationship ship has always been pretty bad fighting a lot my mom is a big time alcoholic. With still going through this court stuff without having a license and not being able to drive.. my mom fell back on her head had to get stitches, my dad is on disability with his knee, they have to get a loan on the house, I have deal with a bf that is an alcoholic we were off and on. I’ve lost his trust but he’s done crazy shit though as well from alcohol but yet I stay with him because unfortunately now I believe I am dealing with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ocd I don’t even know what else. Everything is fucked up! And it’s affecting my work. I’ve isolated myself a lot and ignore people because well look how my life has been, I’m always negative now or think bad. I think there is something wrong with me mentally and because everyone pretty much drinks and parties and with my life I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m depressed. THIS IS where I’m wondering if Isomething is wrong with me because I just want to ACT NORMAL AT LEAST U KNOW. I’ve done research it’s normal to have intrusive thoughts? I’ve had those where I thought I would harm someone even though I would not at all!!! But it makes me act weird or I feel like I’m acting weird. I’m all quiet at work I have no idea what to talk about, I’m stuck inside my head, I look at my co workers and see them looking at me or been asked if I’m okay. I’ll do weird stuff to avoid talking to people... kind of pasting or always finding stuff to do or sometimes talking out loud like “what was I going to do” or on my phone a lot or quiet. Even my body movement shows I’m uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable a lot. All of sudden I’m not me. I’ve tried different anti depressants the longest one I have been trying right now is 10 mg of Prozac. Today I had it with little coffee and ciggs which is stupid bad for anxiety right? I tried half alzapram I’m prescribed 0.25 but I went home early I was getting paranoid, dizzy, nauseas.. I keep constantly googling what is wrong with me or the medication I have tried. I’ve been out of it... bad memory I almost thought I have a brain tumor or am I Austic or just fucking losing it. God help this sounds like a shit show.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Try to look up Complex PTSD, often a PTSD based not only on situations like wars but an abusive childhood. It’s because when you’re still a child, you’re still vulnerable, and it’s easier to get traumatized for it.
Try to find a therapist in your area, or find a volunteer listener from the live chats in the website 7 Cups of tea. Go to traumahealed the website to find ways to cope, and look for Dr. Pete Walker’s website and books for more professional advice on it.
Feel free to go to Palouse Mindfulness for audio relaxation techniques for anxiety issues for free. It’s backed up with a lot of scientific research, and it might really help you.
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I know you had no choice having shitty parents. But your story made me think of a news paper story I once read, one of the few positive human interest stories I have seen and it made a big impact hearing it. It involves a dysfunctional family with two kids and the girl being honored was the older one. She had only a single Mom. Mom was into drugs big, and spent most of her time out of touch with reality and whacked out on the drugs, hopelessly unable to be a Mom and do the basics like shop for food and cook and keep up the house. This girl did it all. Besides going to school, she became like the parent, taking care of her sister and her Mom. Getting the money from Mom and getting food to put in the cupboards. Money most times was already spent on drugs. Mom was simply very depressed after losing her mate and now having a rickety place to rent that should be condemned. The girl found odd jobs as a kid and later worked as a teen to keep the household going. She also looked into Habitat for Humanity that helps people with low income get a place to live. She was always encouraging Mom to stop taking drugs, and when Mom heard they were on the list to get a good place to live, she finally decided to turn things around. She was only on drugs to escape her bad situation, unfortunately thinking of herself first, not the kids. Officials learned of her Moms situation when interviewed for a living place and Moms was willing to clean up her life since things were looking up, got treatment and later a job. The article says Mom thanks her older daughter for 'saving her life'.
That may never happen where you parents clean up their lives. All you can do is focus on you.
I had good parents but married at 20, a man who ended up being abusive though he went to church like me. I chose to stay due to children and worry of being able to survive financially. I have a past of extreme social anxiety which is what you sound like when saying you'd do anything to avoid talking to people. That was my problem. But no longer. I was like that through out children hood and my teen years. When I graduated HS, I knew I had to do something different to survive in the adult world. So I prayed and what God told me, I found in later years to be the exact same thing a Pychologist turned author/teacher wrote in one of his books I checked out from my library. So I would like to post a link to his website. Since you like going on line to figure things out, there is a lot to learn but mostly to gain some hope that what you suffer can and will be healed if you are truly dedicated to doing what ever it takes to get healthy. Yes, you have depression. I can't say it is clinical type or the temporary one from situations. Situational depression can last a long time if there is never a release from whatever is causing you extreme stress. Stress either manifests as disease and illnesses physically after a while or goes to your mind, affecting your mental health. For me, it affected my physical health, for you it is the mental health. However, there is hope. Read comments from those helped by Dr. David D. Burns. A woman who spent her life with depression that no meds could help, followed his non medicine solution and was healed after 50 years of being like that. This doesn't work for those whose bodies can not create the feel good hormones themselves in their bodies. When the hormones run low or are totally used up to deal with stress, depressed levels is another word to say low levels and so that is really what about 85 90% of the depressed peoples situation really is and they can be helped. Medicine is only for a very few according to this doctor. It is based on retraining your mind to stop self defeating, negative or distorted thoughts. It is something everyone has gotten at times, however a healthier person will dismiss those negative thoughts, not dwell on them and replace those negative distorted thoughts/thinking with a better one, positive one.
So here is the Drs Website. I hope you'll see that there is hope for you. If you don't have insurance coverage for a psychologist, you will have to do your best with his books, checking to see if your library has them, or buying them. If you have coverage, then look for one who deals in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive deals with thoughts which is good as that is the source of most peoples depression. I assume you no longer live with your parents. However, if you do, since their behavior and the memories of seeing them in their state, all the time is what causes you this amount of stress, I would recommend finding roommates to share an apartment with as soon as possible. However, I am guessing you don't have many real friends due to your problem, as I did when I had the great anxiety so I will share my step by step process of the solution I followed to become free of that anxiety. As for any distorted thinking, I can not help but only steer you in the right direction with this website:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Now my story with a remedy to follow . . .
I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
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