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I feel stuck with my S.O, am I being selfish?
I feel like I'm trapped with my S.O. because he makes really good money and has what's considered a top notch career. My whole family would probably judge me if I ever left him and so would my friends.
I'm not exactly unhappy, but he's also not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I cook and clean for him while I work and go to school. He's selfish and pushes me really hard to unreasonable expectations. Even though he makes really good money he still makes me pay half of rent and our other expenses, which I don't think is fair because he makes more than I probably ever will. I think he's kind of boring and he doesn't satisfy me in bed. He thinks extremely highly of himself and looks at everybody else as peons. Sometimes he even tells me he doesn't think I can ever be where he is and he struggled to come up with a reason that he's proud of me because my life before him was just so much more insignificant than how he lives.
The flip side is he can be sweet, compliments my appearance, tells me he loves me all the time, and if I just try really hard to not argue things tend to run smoothly, but then I'm constantly letting him get away with acting like a little boy (expecting me to do everything for him and throwing a fit when I ask him to do something). I've never been able to live as nice as we do so that's been a blessing and most of the time, I think that's worth putting up with him.
Together, we have a nice well furnished home with all the cooking supplies I ever dreamed of having (which is important to me). We can go on vacations and eat out at nice places. We can have people over. We don't have a mansion or anything like that, but before I was living in one bedroom in a 4/4 shared with 3 roommates and cosigned on by my parents just to afford rent. Now I live in a 3/3 home in a gated community just for me and him.
Sometimes I think I just need to learn to shut my mouth because if I push him too much I may lose everything and have to go back to living in the situation I was in before, which I hated. Most of the time when I lived like that I was stuck in my bedroom when not at work or school and had to only eat quick frozen/cheap meals because my roommates always hogged the kitchen and there was no room for anything. I lived in a bad part of town and was scared to go anywhere at night. I still have years left before I get my ultimate masters degree so I won't be making good enough money to live on my own for a while. That makes me wonder if I'm being extremely selfish and how many people would give a lot to be where I am now with his help.
Help?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Your significant other is not so significant, is he?
So what attracted you to him in the first place? How did you get matched up with a guy that seems totally wrong for you. It sure sounds like there is no natural chemistry between the two of you.
I can tell this is so, from what you said because as you said, he can be sweet and compliment you etc. However, there are some things that are red flags here, that shouldn't be part of any relationship between two people.
You listed things that were obvious and then others that you may not realize are problems.
Here is what I saw:
You know you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him. So tho you may like some aspects of him, for the most part, you don't love him and won't miss him if he left, only missing his money.
You do all the running of the household, essentially you are his maid and his mother...by dong all the stuff that any bachelor or good husband normally would do, or at least pitch in on. My husband cooks and we both do laundry and he usually starts the cleaning around the home and will ask for my help. I don't have to push him on this.
He isn't happy with you just as you are and is constantly trying to force you to change and morph into the woman he really wants. I learned the hard way that some people are never happy with who you are and will constantly try to change things about you. I did the wrong thing and actually tried to change who I was, my appearance, everything to get his love. My ex, never was in love with me, he admitted that to a counselor in the end. When you change who you are or are always forced to meet a mates expectations, what happens is that your personality and character are not bad things, just not right for him. So when he forces you or you willing change things to have peace, you end up with resentment and unhappiness towards him and there is no way such a relationship will ever be a good one, only rocky and unhappy at best.
Finding him boring is another indicator that you are with the wrong person, although I think you know this deep down inside.
He doesn't satisfy you in bed. This can be a little bit of fault on both sides of each wanting to receive but not to give. However in most situations, it is the fact there is no chemistry as was the case with my ex, yet we had 3 kids. When there is no sexual chemistry, neither is going to feel satisfied and fulfilled is neither inspires the other to feeling strong passion for them simply being being oneself, not dressing up and staging a romantic scene, but you in your own skin, your regular hair and voice. I lucked out the 2nd husband, of course I was real picky, and he gets aroused just by listening to my voice as I talk about generally anything. Then he is willing to do what it takes to make sure I get not only one orgasm but will ask me if I want more and often its two or three, before he is willing to let himself have his own. Once a man has his release, he is less likely to want to spend time pleasing his partner. There can be great sex if both partners are not selfish and just give because there is no way you can give in sex without really getting something out of it. If anyone is selfish here, in this one thing, it is HIM not you.
Thinking high of oneself and everyone else as beneath him, could be the trait of a Narcissist. I knew a friend/neighbor married to one and I got a chance to see this in action and hear such stuff as he talked to me. That or he's a controller, or some other sort of mental related behavior that is a disorder of sorts or a mental illness. Many mentally ill are not obvious and they are high functioning and never have been seen by a doctor.
He had already given up on you being like him or anywhere near it. This is a wrong comparison to have and will hurt a relationship. The right thing for a man is to support and uphold who you are, your talents, interests and to focus on bringing out those aspects of yours, and encouraging you to do what it is you do best and compliment you on it. This is what my 2nd husband does. This is something he wrote to me explaining who he is, what he believes when on a dating site. I knew instantly I'd found a keeper, as long as we had chemistry so we met in person and that was the case.
So he tells you he loves you all the time. It is just a reflex action like when someone asks how you are and we always answer fine, even if we are not. Words aren't always true. Words are cheap. So if a guy only said once that he loved you, how does a female know he loves her? By his actions, how he treats her. If not being treated like a Princess, put up on a pedestal and always looking for a way to do something special for her that she can do herself, then a man is showing by his actions that he loves her. Actions speak louder than words dear. So I am pretty positive that even if he can find one aspect about you that he loves, he doesn't love you and he is not in love with you. I didn't know any of this stuff when I married at 20. I had to learn the hard way. I made the choice to stay with him instead of get a divorce because I could never earn what he did and even then his was not big bucks, so I wouldn't be able to survive on my own. I had to get close to age 50 before I had the guts to simply leave him. It was 8 more years before he was ready to get a divorce. I had a rough two years before I met my husband. I know right now of a woman my husband used to work with who needed a favor from her. She has a new boyfriend but the old one who was abusive is who she went back to, but only for the financial security and she says only for a short time until her other boyfriend can get re-situated in an apt rather than the motel room he has interim. The old bf does his crap but she doesn't let him push her around, and no matter what he asks her to do, if she doesn't like it, she doesnt want to. I pretty much did all the same except rising to his bait for arguments. If I defended myself or verbally fought back, it was like fuel on a fire and he would go ballistic. It was safer to tune out and pretend I was listening to his every hateful word.
So as to your thought of learning to shut your mouth, it is not that you have the problem, he does. However you have to act smarter than him. He may be well educated but he has only book smarts and has no natural wisdom. Wisdom can't be got at schools or fought for and he lacks this or he would have figured out long ago that you are not right for him, to stop trying to change you into someone a little more right for him. What about whats right for you. Obviously this guy is not only, not a good candidate for you but due to his laziness, mommy/maid complex and being selfish, he will not make a good bf or husband to even a girl who would be right for him.
Right now, what you are doing is choosing to have financial security over having a man who truly is in love with you and proves it by his actions. I understand dear. Sometimes, women need to do such things to survive. However, you better be on good birth control because you don't want to accidentally have a kid with this goon.
One choice you have is to stay with him until you are done with school and have a good job and put up with all the crap, or the other choice is to find yourself another guy now, while still living with him. Of course it would have to be secret or he'd probably kick you out. You owe nothing to him because he has been using you as free sex and free maid and that's a plus to his way of thinking. Money not spent on hiring a maid or paid for a street girl, is money he can invest elsewhere to get himself further up the totem pole.
The reason I spent so much time going over the obvious you listed, was to give you another viewpoint. You need to be able to recognize when you have found the Right man. Unless you think you can go back to the way you lived before as your 3rd choice, then you only have the choice of being unhappy for how ever many years you have to put off with his using you while you use him for having a place to live and food, etc... or you start looking for another man, hopefully one who has his own place and then when the new guy wants you to move in, then you tell the current guy goodbye. I know this doesn't sound too on the level but in todays time, there are no other options left to a female who will almost always earn less than a man and still try to live on her own....it's no longer possible in this economy and the cost of living. Do what you must. If you wish to know more on how to start looking for Mr. Right, I have a saved document explaining this and it will help. Its what I used to find my sweet wonderful 2nd husband. Don't ask in the comment section. YOu have to start a new question and go to my column so it can be posted just to me, not the whole group. I wish you the best.
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So I'm going to be frank. Yes, you are being a tiny bit selfish. That is completely normal though, everyone wants to live a good life. Asking you to pay half the rent and expenses is perfectly reasonable, even if he does make more than you do. However, if all he does is make money and nothing else, that is unreasonable as well. You need to be a little more specific I think. What is he refusing to do? You mentioned that having all the cooking supplies you ever dreamed of is important to you. So you shouldn't mind if he knows he sucks at cooking and you like cooking. If he's looking down on you, then all you have to do is work really hard and prove him wrong. However, there is another complication. You don't like him. So why are you still with him? You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you don't even like. As for finances, ask a good friend to split rent for something slightly better than before, but if you're still in Uni, you don't need to go on vacations or eat out a lot. You have your whole life in front of you to do that. You can probably tough it out for a few more years. After you graduate, you can live as lavish of a life as you want. I think you're being a little bit picky, but that's understandable, and having a S.O like that is not helping your situation. What happens when you break up? The way your relationship is going now, you're bound to break up. So why wait? Everyone works jobs while at Uni and college. You need to learn to be self-sufficient, and not rely on your S.O's money so much. On the other hand, he's not treating you so well anyways, so why stay?
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